My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

ooooooooooo - Sue you are sooooo naughty..................but I like you......and Napoleon. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi everyone.  Hope you are all having a good weekend and that weather is being as good to you as it is to me today.  I have all but finished spraying all my fences and deck now.  Perfect day for it today.  I went to the cemmy and sprayed Chris's bench as well.  I had my hair done and then met up with a friend for lunch.  We have had a really good chat and I took the advice of the counsellor and told her some of the things that are bothering me about this time of year.  Glad I did as she was really comforting and I feel less anxious now I have told her some fo what actually happened.  Sue thanks for telling me I am not alone last night.  It makes a difference and like you I think it might be best if I could cancel May and more straight to June.  Dot I feel safer knowing you & Percy are on patrol.  I bought a pink tutu today to wear for the RFL - should be a giggle!

Helen - sorry about the head but glad you had a good night out last night.  I need to do more of the same.  My friend and I have been talking about my life before Chris got ill and how much removed my current life is from that.  For close to 30 years my life revolved around Chris and his gigs so it was a fun social life.  Recently I have noticed that I am missing that as well as Chris now.  My friend's husband plays double bass in a band so I think we are going to try to go to some of his gigs.  I have enjoyed going to the theatre but it is not really what I am used to so something a little more exciting is called for.  Just need to figure out how to do it without Chris to help.  It is so good that Paul encouraged you so much to carry on as it gives you just the right thing to aim for.  Chris concentrated a lot on practicalities before he died which has been a huge help in the early months since he died but now I find I don't know what to do now all those things are sorted out.  We didn't really talk about how I would carry on 'living'.  I think in Chris's case that would have been too uncomfortable to think about.  I admire Paul for doing that for you.

Gayle I'm glad that you can at least travel back on Monday.  You're parents and the kids will enjoy the extra long stay but you would most certainly have gone round the bend!!  It will be lovely to have you back.

Lynne - can't wait for the latest news in a PM - what on earth does plan g involve?  This is starting to sound complicated.

Teri I am so sorry that things seem to be getting worse for you and your family.  Please take care of yourself and try not to let it all get you down even more than it clearly has already xxx

Judi it seems you are having a great tiem with your Mum & dad around.  So glad to hear that the computor is all back in the right place so no more contorsions to use the PC.

Fiona I didn't realise Britain's got talent had come back on tonight. - hope I can see a catch up on sky later

Rosemary that video on FB of Dave and the little bird was so funny I watched it a couple of times.  Clever little bird that one so maybe it was a sign!!

Well I am going to get off to bed - think I felt a dream about Chris coming on last night so you never know - I might dream a bit again tonight.  Looking forward to my Liverpool trip next week and some good nights out with the kids.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Sue - that's so funny.  Hi Dot - hope you and Alan are okay.   Ailsa xx

Morning xxx

Yes Ailsa I admire Paul for that too but need him to give me the push now lol x Its not easy but your friends gigs sound a good idea. I feel in one way as if I m going back to last May and wonder if I have moved on really. Thought I had but not so sure this week. Sorry Gayle that positive Helen on Friday isnt so positive now lol!! Rollercoaster again!

Ailsa did you dream last night?

I didnt do any of the things I was going to yesterday so lots to do today!! Might even do a roast!!

Gayle hope you get back ok on Monday xx

Teri I really feel for you, I just hope things can get sorted. We all sound busy but think its our coping mechanism still x

Judi I am so pleased your mum and dad finally made it and you had your chat with them. Also pleased you re not doing yoga positions to use your computer now lol!!

Lynne last night sounded great but like Ailsa waiting to hear about plan G!!

Fiona I was half watching Britains got talent, too busy on here lol and not concentrating.

Rosemary my friend at work swears by her angel cards so can understand your hesitation in asking them questions. They can be very accurate!!

Manda and Lesley how are you this weekend? Is it a moped you were on Manda, sounds great!!

Sue are you back at work tomorrow by any chance.....not rubbing it in lol!! If its anything like our Nursery you have got all the new little darlings to look forward to starting, lots of tantrums and tears lol!!

Whats everyone else doing today?

Thinking of you all

Helen xxx

Hi, helen

Yes, back to work tomorrow - new children start on Tuesday. Oh, joy!   They'll be alright ??i expect - i don't allow tantrums, unless it's me throwing one.

Going to take the dogs out now - beautiful morning. just trying to postpone the dreaded paperwork for school. will have to get it finished for tomorrow, but HATE doing it.

sue xx

Morning Sue

Lady after my own heart!! Tantrums not allowed lol!! I have got a few bits to do on the computer for work tomorrow too, will probably leave it until the last minute!! And what do we tell the kids lol!

Enjoy your walk xx

Helen xx

Hi Ladies and Dave

Manda and Leslie hope you are doing ok, not seen your posts lately.   Yes Paul sounds so brave, we couldn't talk like that, the only time Dan tried to, I got choked up and said 'what am I going to do without you?' and he couldn't answer, we didn't have time to absorb what was happening, just 10 short weeks.  One thing he did say, when he was in so much pain and could hardly walk to the car, not able to do anything.  I had to take care of everything, including trying to mow the lawn.  Dan said he hated to see me so unhappy, I was so stressed not knowing what was going on.  He felt bad that he couldn't do more.  So I do know that he would not want to see me suffering like this but it is hard to get out of it.  I had a horrible week, emotionally, just cried every night and all day yesterday.  I am not sure if it is the big 6 months looming in another 10 days or so, or if it is that I am trying to sort out the tools and stuff.   I know that my head and heart are battling right now, my head is saying let him go and my heart says I don't want to. 

Today I am going to Paris, Ontario, only a short ten minute drive with a friend.  She wants to look for crochet patterns at Mary Maxim which is a wonderful wool and craft supply shop.  We can have a nice lunch out and so I hope to enjoy the day.  I must get this dog for a walk in the rain before we go, he really loves that, seems like wet grass smells so much nicer to him, we have to stop every two seconds and sniff.

Teri, please keep posting here, I found that reading others feelings and how they were coping was a huge help to me and still is.  It is good to know that you are not alone and that we all have felt what you are feeling and have gone through it.  You will have better days.  I am sorry the family is causing problems and do hope that gets sorted soon for you.

Lynne, no more wine for you.  Everyone else, have a good day.

Bren.

Hello all , , i know i know , my never again didn't last , bad sister lol .. Teri i really hope your family problems start to ease , i know how much it up sets me when something goes wrong in the family , try and take care , i know thats easy for me to say xx  Helen , Sue and Ailsa i keep thinking all the time about the dates coming up in may ,sorry  i cant think of anything to say constructive i just wanted to let you know that i am thinking about you all xx  Bren so sorry you feel so alone , i know friends arn't always enough but is anybody enough to fill the big void in our life xx  I'm really struggling to remember anything today dam lager (not wine)) . A old school friend has just called me , i bumped into her at the hospital as she had just lost her mum , well we've had a good chat and cry , she knew i'd lost Gordon but not how , i thought i could talk about somethings without crying but obviously somethings never change . Thank you for doing the cards again Rosemary , like you say they wasn't clear cut but very interesting , i think they picked the turmoil and my in ability to make a decision . But i have made it now , i al sticking with plan g and i am full of enthusiasm for it , i just needed a push to get me started . To those of you who want to know i will PM you but dont want to keep boring you all , so let me know .. Judi my kids loved what you put on my facebook status lol and thanks for the messages .xx take care all , i'll be around all night , no beer tonight lol , just ironing for work .Lynne xxx

Evening all, what a beautiful day it's been, I've managed to get the lawn cut (just got the little paddock to mow sometime during the week), loads of washing done and dried on the line and all the hoovering done - top and bottom.  Now I'm totally wiped out and aching like it's going to hurt tomorrow - the darned hand mower wouldn't start for me, nor the petrol stimmer so I had to give up and plugged in the old rechargable one and thats heavy. Samantha has been to Thorpe Park today so will also be totally wiped out when she gets home, hopefully she has had a wonderful time. 

I hope you have all had good days, even those of you tensing up with May looming, I hope you have managed to enjoy the day a little and relax, it's days like this that it would be so great to pull up a few chairs in the garden, open a few bottles of wine (or put the kettle on for gallons of tea) and just chat the day away with you all, sorting the world out and all it's problems and talking our fears and worries out to each other.  Ah well, one day maybe.  Sending you all lots of hugs, the ledge is ready if anyone wants to join me for a glass or two and watch the sunset. xxxxxxxxx

Hi everyone

Thanks Lynne xx We ll all get through May and who knows what the next year will bring? Better things hopefully xx It is the anniversary of a friends son who died today a year ago just before Paul, he was 9 bless him and had cancer. Paul`s cousin and his parents have been doing all sorts of days and out and activities this weekend in his memory. This time last year we didnt realise Paul would go so soon after little Jimmy xx Also tomorrow a year ago we all went to Center Parcs for our last family holiday, lots of lasts. We just torture ourselves dont we?

Anyway on a positive note I have made us all a lovely roast dinner today, not made one for months and we sat at the table together. Another first in a long time! We had a lovely meal and sat and chatted and laughed even with that empty chair, still so obvious!

Think I m still tired and feeling sorry for myself after Friday night lol!! Another early night tonight I think.

Next meeting with friends tomorrow night for fundraising night, last minute plans etc.

No beer or wine for me either Lynne, never again still lol!!

Right off for a shower, be back later no doubt

Helen xx