My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Well Helen, if you are bringing everyone coffee, I take mine with just cream or milk......  I am up and about early, have taken the dog for a nice walk in the rain, rain all week here but green leaves are sprouting up all over.  I had a wonderful visit in Newfoundland, sunny weather and more active than I have been for a very long time, lots of walking, we took the ferry to Belle Island which is a very small island close to where I stayed.  There once was a mine there but actually most of the people from Belle Island have moved to Cambridge looking for work.  Peaceful and beautiful spot by the ocean, I find the ocean so calming.

Anyway back to work and busy here, I did get rid of that virus and do hope I didn't get any of you with it.  Don't get on fb when you are very very tired.  I had some tears last night, think it was coming home and once again being alone.  It wasn't too bad and then I decided to throw out all Dan's socks.  Just the sock drawer but it didn't affect my feelings at all. 

I find that Leslie you have such a good way with putting what we all are feeling into words.  I also don't want to think about the future, can't think about a future without Danny, I miss and need him so much.  I know I have to let him go but not yet.  I also did decide to give his car to his brother in Montreal so Neil is going to come here sometime in May to pick it up.  That will give me the kick I need to get this house cleaned.  My 6 months is fast approaching too but my counselling group starts just before that so I hope that will help a little.

Teri, sorry you are having family problems and hope things are starting to settle.  Families are wonderful but also a big pain sometimes.  Sue your mom sounds so funny.  My MIL came last year and tried to pull my shower control out of the wall, it was brand new!  Now it is loose. 

Patricia your photos are lovely, your descriptions are wonderful to read.  I can understand you needing some quiet time to be sad and to feel your emotions.  I find when I am away it is so much better to be busy but I also find myself craving alone time to cry for a while. 

My neighbour's father passed away this week and I find I want to help especially as they have been so very good to me but I don't have much left in me to give right now.  I will try to get their little dog out for a walk tonight for them maybe but don't have the energy to do much else. 

Special hugs to all of you who are getting to those tough anniversaries and hugs for all.

Bren

Dear bren

You are doing brilliantly - I know what you mean about the sock drawer!!

taking your neighbour's dog for a walk will be a lovely thing to do - a friend did it for me  when alan died and it was so thoughtful. i also know what you mean abouy not having any thing else to give - we are all still far more fragile than we realise.

The 'mother' saga continues.

Dhe decided to have a bath this morning instead of a showe , despite the fact that i have a special shower seat and that she has only had showers, no baths, since she had her stroke last June.  getting in the bath was not too bad; however, getting out was another matter. . i came very close to ringing the fire brigade for help!!!  think that the thought of burly firemen seeing her naked was enough to spur her on to make the extra efforf to try to move - that and the fact that i virtually lifted her out.

Oh joy - I wonder what tomorrow will bring! i am taking her to visit a 90 year old friend tomorrow afternoon; let's hope nothing goes wrong!

sue xx

Hi Bren x

One coffee coming up!!

Glad you had a good break and like Sue said taking the dog out for your neighbour will be a big help. We can only do so much xxx

Sue I m sorry but had to laugh at the thought of your Mum desperate to get out the bath when you suggested the firemen lol!! You re very patient, I ve been there, done that with my mum and as much as they`re hard work I wish she was still with us xxx

Well I ve been to the gym, nearly killed myself as I ve not been for a week!! Enjoyed it though, feel better. I ve washed the car and had some dinner. Going to clean the inside of it now. Then maybe do a few jobs in the garden.

I cleared a few more bits from Paul`s wardrobe yesterday, thought I was in the mood to cope with it but the tears started with one certain fleece he used to wear. How daft!!! I also cant part with any of his football shirts so as quick as I was taking things out I was putting them back in lol!! I also was ruthless with my wardrobe so now need some new clothes, nothing to wear!!

Anyway have a lovely afternoon everyone, speak later

Helen xxx

HELLO everyone. all thistalk of coffee is really frustrating because I have not been able to get one today. just went to starbucks and it was shut grrrr..... I shall be glad to get home so I can get one whenever I want.

today i went for a walk around the area. very interesting and i didn;t get lost the area. very interesting and i didn;t get lost at all whoopee. went for a meal tonight and nearly got dragged into the restaurant by the owner. i got dragged into the restaurant by the owner. i think they were desperate for business lol. setting off for home in 11 hours time. SO I shall be home by 7ish tomorrow evening. talk about going back in time. lol I so wish I had a time machine time. lol I so wish I had a time machine but i guess this is the next best thing x x xsee you all soon love and angek hugs x　x x Patricia x x x p.s. Who wants to comeand wash my windows？ after all, if you are planningtowash windows it would be mean to leave me out lol x x x

Just a quicky!!!

Dont know why I m doing it but got chatting to a friend on facebook earlier and he told me about `Wendy the Spook` who is a psychic on our local radio. He spoke to her last year after he lost his wife so told me to ring as he knows the D.J and she was really good. Well OMG I rang and I think I m on between 6 and 7. Will let you know how I get on hee hee xx

Helen xxx

Wow Helen!  I see on Facebook you were on and it was good.... more details?  (Only if you want to of course, but longing to hear more) xx

Been catching up on soooo many posts!  Only halfway there I think, but Patricia love the photo's, you look so elegant and Stuart so proud.  Loving your reports on the Land of the Rising Sun, such a fantastic experience glad you are able to enjoy it. 

Lynne hope your dad is ok today, what a very brave man, like father like daughter eh?  Big hugs to you both.  Ailsa I have emailed a suggestion for where to meet, I'm so excited now and can't wait.  I hope it gives you something to look forward to and get you over the beginning of May, in a strange way once you get past that first anniversary and you can push away the "this time last year" thoughts it is a moving forward into a another phase. 

Sorry just had to stop and talk to father in law, he always phones about 7 pm, so have lost all I was going to say.  If you remember he had a kidney removed at the end of the year (cancer but contained in the kidney), he has been feeling very tired again lately and not right so is having more blood tests but mother in law whispered to me that he is having a colonoscopy next week so things must be a bit more of a worry than he is telling me.  She must be really worried but neither of them have ever told us much, they are very private, but also I think they still think of us as "the kids" so can't be told things, even or because of all we've been through not sure which.

Oh my eyes have improved a lot, still really itchy and red and the eyelids are baggy and look ugly but much better than at first.  I've spoken to the spa and also emailed Elemis, whose eye stuff it was, not so much to complain but thought they should be aware of the adverse reaction.  Definitely not having any treatments too close to the wedding - I'd end up looking like Dracula's mother never mind mother of the bride!

Hope you are all ok, lots of love and hugs, will look back in later xxxxxx

Evening all ... Sorry Sue i've had a little giggle to my self about your mother , i'm sure she taught me all i know lol .. Helen cant wait tohear more but i know your going out so i'l  wait with bated breath  .. Rosemary i'm glad your eyes are a little better now , what a dissapointing thing to have happened , so glad you and Ailsa are managing a meet , its such a boost .. Dad is ok , he's still struggleing a lot with pain but hopefully when he has the stiches out next week he'll improve even more and he's building up to mums anniversary tommorow (as we all are ) . He is a amazing man we do moan about him sometimes but what he has had done since mum died is nothing short of a barbaric , if you could see his face now its heart breaking , and i know he does get upset about it , even at 81 he still doesn't want to look like he does . but like i tell him , he's alive and we all know people who would rather be here with us .. ..

Well house done , garden done , valuer coming errr NO not till thurs , i'm gutted , i'll never keeo it this tidy lol , even with me living here on my own , oh well at least its done how i want it to be , i've done all the hard work , just have to keep on top of it now ..

Hugs to all  my penguin friends xxxxx

Hi everyone.  Just a quick post to say hello.  My mum & dad are expecting me at a pub quiz tonight so I need to get ready.  Rosemary and I have sorted the detail of our meet now so i am really excited.  We will be meeting up on Tuesday the 11th May.  Helen I can't wait to hear about Wendy!  Lynne - shame the valuer can't get to you sooner but well done anyway.  Sue your mumantics are keeping us entertained - she's keeping you on your toes.

Lynne I am glad your Dad is doing okay and I hope he is soon in a lot less pain.  This must be so difficult for him and for all of your family.  Lots of love for tomorrow Lynne ((((((bug higs)))))).

Patricia your photographs are great.  I love your outfit.  Will there be more photos when you get home?  Have a safe journey back.

Well I really must go so so sorry if I have missed anyone out.  I didn't get time to make any notes and you all know how bad my memory is.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xx

Today there was a knock at the door.

when i opened it, there stood a footballing friend of alan's, complete with petrol mower, strimmer, and a variety of other tools.

'Thought i'd come and do your garden for you', he said.    2 hours later, grass is cut, edges neatened, soil turned over and debris cleared.

What a star.

Thank you, graham.

xxx

quick update - have now got mother into bed.

this evening she has managed to put a cup of hot tea on top of a slab  of unwrapped chocolate (don't ask)  which in turn melted and went EVERYWHERE.    then, on the way to bed, managed to break the bathroom lightswitch.  thank god she's in bed now.

sue xx