My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa
Hi, all
lynne, glad dad is home ; hope he has a better night, and is soon able to put al this behind him.
Oh Helen, I am so jealous of you going to warwick castle. our eldest daughter was at warwick uni, and I have happy mempries of a long weekend spent up there doing the tourist thing - we had a fab day at the castle. You and nat look great in the pics.
ailsa, your break with Stu and Suzanne sounds enticing - isn't it lovely to spend time with our various offfspring. I have just fetched my mother from cornwall to stay for a week or so - stress levels rising already!!!! alice has very sensibly gone out to see a show in Weston super mare, and Helen has been and gone - just the two of us! Just before she left home this morning, my mother managed to lock the bedroom windows, then somehow flushed the keys down the toilet. Must introduce her to lynne sometime, might get a few tips........
May is approaching rapidly; can't believe it's almost a year since Alan died. In some way it seems forever, but then again the last day and night are so very clear in my memory. Ah, well - onwards and upwards.
Love and penguin hugs to all
Sue xx
Hello to all my penguin friends. It is 11.34 here and the sun is shining. The 'kids' have gone off to a beer museum (not my thing) so I am just chilling in the hotel att he minute. The zen bell has just been sounded but I have no idea why. I just know that it is somehow quite comforting. This is my last day here and I am really looking forward to getting home. This is going to sound crazy but I am missing Ray so very much that I need to be home to feel closer to him. Not a day has gone by that I have not thought about him (hardly a second in fact). He would have loved it so much. My feet would not have touched the ground as he would have had every day planned and organised. Sitting here now I can feel the saddness overwhelming me and that is not good. It is almost the first time I have been alone in the past few weeks. Right then, I shall pull myself together and get on with this post.
Yesterday Jennifer and I went to Shibuya. That is where the busiest crossroads is. The lights all turn to red for the traffic and then the pedestrians all cross the roads at the same time. it looks amazing. Especially as they all had umbrellas up due to the rain. Also there is a statue of a dog which in times gone by waited for his master to return from his travels (the master had died). There is a film just recently made3 about this very dog. I think it is called Hatchiko Here is a picture outside the station.
Last night we went up Tokyo Tower. The view of the city at night is amazing. It is abolutely huge. The cheery blossom (sokora) are in full blom everywhere and look beautiful both day and night. Because Ray dreamed of coming to Japan (especially Tokyo) I sprinkled a few ashes under a cherry bloossom tree byt he Tokyo Tower. It seemed somehow appropriate. As I did it I could hear him saying 'good, now I have some of my dna in different areas of Japan' i.e. Kyoto and Tokyo (The old and the new capitols of Japan) He would be so amused by that. I now feel that I have completed my mission and fullfilled my self made promise to my darling husband that I would get him to Japan.
From there we went for food and then a few of us went to a local bar and sat until about 1am just chatting.
I guess I should get sorted and go for a walk. I am thinking to climb the millions of steps to reach a small shrine where there is a beautiful garden and a small ponf with 'greedy fish' otherwise known as coy carp. apparently if you throw food to them they gobble it up. It is a lovely tranquil haven and well worth visiting if you crave a little peace and quiet.
Anyway, enough of me. I hope that Lynne's dad feels better soon, and Ailsa, don't be so hard on yourself. I have spent so long just sitting here that my silly brain has forgotten all it has just read. So to all having issues of any kind i send out my loving thoughts. to all coming up to anniversaries (most of you) I send support and love. To just coping with day to day existance then be kind to yourselves and remember our loved ones wanbt us to be as happy as we can possibly manage to be (easier said than done I know). I cannot believe it is 13 months since my dear Ray relocated. I miss him more and more as time goes on but have come to realise that I have to make a 'new' life for myself and make the most of what is left of it.
So my penguin friends live life to the best of your abilities and make them proud.
Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x
