My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi everyone and Happy Easter xx

Lesley your group sounds great, shame there is nothing like that near me. Sorry you re all struggling so much at the moment, hopefully things can improve for us all soon. Not a good mix with the long weekend and like Lynne says makes it more obvious what we re all missing. This rollercoaster again!!

Sue 12.30 !! I am so jealous, I m not sleeping well at all at the moment, driving me potty!! Thought all that had stopped.

Well I bought a dress, belt and purse at The Trafford Centre. Nat has also found her prom dress!!! She actually tried it on last week in Debenhams so decided to go back for that. It looks lovely on her.... she went for a long one in the end and its emerald green. Really suits her. She just need shoes and accesorries now.

Just keep swimming everyone!!!

Helen xxx

Love the pics Sue - couldn't resist that on status shuffle - thought it would give you all a wee chuckle!

Helen - glad the shopping went well - can't way to see Nat in her prom dress on the night.  How exciting!  Wish I was 16 again lol.

Gayle xx

Ha Ha spot on Sue , where you find them i'll never know .. Yes think were all in the "got to get that done but cant be bothered mood" .. Glad you got your very inportant shopping done Helen , clothes first food second lol  . Cant wait to see pics of Nat in her prom dress . Can you believe Gayle is sat in the sun after all the snow . you enjoy it Gayle xxxxx

Ha ha, love the pic Sue. What are we all like!!! Just CBA today lol xx

thick old me - what's CBA??

Is it can't be a****d?

Cant be a**ed lol x

Hi again everyone.  You won't understand that but I just lost a post.  It is so annoying having to try to type everything all over again isn't it.  Nevermind, it is late so I am probably one of very few still awake so I have time to re-post. 

Lesley I think I am feeling very similar to you.  I am really scared of the amount of time ahead of me without Chris.  If I ever have to see anyone else again I want it to be entirely on my own terms with absolutely no strings - how selfish is that?  I had my 2nd counselling session on Thursday and my counsellor has picked up on the fact that i worry a lot about how I am affecting other people.  I mentioned that I had decided to walk to 20 mins to her house so that I could think of what we could talk about.  She has asked me not to think about it at all for next week.  I need to let her worry about that.  I am apparently not letting my feelings out for fear of upsetting other people.  I think I would like a group session so that I could see more of how other people are feeling and dealing with this.

Helen well done with the shopping.  Not long now till my trip to Liverpool.  I'm glad you got Nats dress - can't wait for the photos.

Bren have a lovely break in Newfoundland & Gaspe and Patricia even though you are tired keep enjoying Japan.  It sounds like you are having some lovely experiences.

Lynne good luck with getting the house ready to sell - enjoy your week off.  Every good wish for your dad and his operation on Tuesday.  I'm sure he will be fine and feeling better very soon.

Sue - sleeping in till the afternoon eh?  You must have needed it.  Gayle enjoy the break on Monday when your mum & dad take the boys.  You've been working hard and deserve some fun x

Fiona I bet Charlie makes a real mess with his bath now.  Nice to hear from you Dot - think we are close enough to have the same weather!!

Manda, when is it that you & H leave for your holiday?  Have a great time.

Rosemary I spoke with Becky about how I could get time off during the move to visit you and she came up with a cunning plan so I will message you about it - I love cunning plans lol x

Rosemary & Teri hope you are okay and the weather is not being too unkind.

Well I should get off to bed as unlike Sue I struggle to sleep in!!!  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx 

Sorry - the last 'Rosemary & Teri' should have read 'Judi & Teri'.  I'm tired and I hate that my MORE button doesn't work xxx

Morning all

Ailsa, does your local hospice not have a group you could join. It sounds like your counsellor is good but I found 1:1 puts you under pressure to keep talking, where as in a group there are lots of chances to listen and just join in as you would in any other conversation. Because I had felt so bad for the three weeks prior to the session, I nearly didn't go as at the session before I had felt really positive and a couple of the other said I gave them hope. I felt by retuning in a negative state of mind I would be dashing there hopes but then thought, hang on, this group is for me too and if I can't show my true feelings there then where? As it happened before I got chance to speak, one of the men I had been chatting with and got friendly with came in and said just what I have said, I immediatly felt better knowing that I was not the only one to have slipped back down. All in all I came away feeling that I was improving, I realised that although I had slipped I had not returned to the very bottom and now feel hopeful that each time I fall it will not be as far down. I hope you manage to get something from your sessions Ailsa.

I will share something the counsellor said to me: when Colin died the old Lesley died too, out of the ashes a new Lesley is born. She still has a lot of the characteristics of the old Lesley and looks just the same but she is new. She has to find out who she is, what she wants and this all takes time, step by step she will gain confidence. It made a lot of sense to me as I can feel myself poking my head out of my shell but diving for cover as soon as something out of my comfort zone happens, however, my head stays out for longer and longer each time.

I look around and see lots of confident women all living alone and can see how it might even be a challenge, exciting to have a new side to me...... if only I didn't miss Colin so very much. It feels like a tug-of-war, I know I need to move forward and make a new life but part of me desperatly cling tight to my old life. Maybe I am not meant to be alone, I miss having someone to share with, the house does not feel lived in, not a home.

I will be glad when the Easter weekend is over, hate bank holidays, jealous of all the couples!

I am waiting for the vets to open, am worried about Catface, he has developed black growths near his nose, they have got quite big. He seems OK in himself though.

Lynne have you found a place to buy yet?

Anyway must make a move, new dishwasher coming today... hope the delivery men don't make a song and dance about getting the thing in, they usually do. Honestly anyone would think I lived up ten floors!

Love to all.  xxx Lesley