My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Oh Lesley, you have put into words exactly what I have been feeling for the last couple of weeks...

I said to Lynne only yesterday that I have been really struggling again. I've not been sleeping and when I do I have nightmares, I can't stop crying - the slightest thing sets me off... I put it down to the '6 month low' hitting me a bit early. Have started to feel a little calmer this week, thank heavens! I am so glad that we are going away next week, I'm sure the sun will do us good. 

Be gentle with yourself and hold on tight to your lovely little man.

Manda xx

Evening all , well thats me done for 10 days , but gots lots of things planned , mainly work in the house , i'm determined to get it up for sale ...

  Amanda and Lesley so glad you've both posted again , your both going through the pre 6 month mark trauma ,most of us have been there, i remember it well , mine was over christmas and i was distraught most of the time , i never want to feel like that again . Its 9 months today but i have tried not to dwell on it to much , i'm trying to think , its just anther day of sadness ... How nice that Patricia is keeping in touch with us , you have a fantastic time and keep taking those pictures .. Bren i hope you enjoy new foundland , and once again keep taking those photos .

. Helen , hope you we're succesful in your prom dress shopping if Nat ever got up lol .. Enjoy your couple of days away , its a lovely place isn't it , i remeber going with Gordon once .. Ailsa i hope your feeling better now so you caqn enjoy your time off work .. Judi , what are you going to be up to over easter . mischief no doubt lol .. (love ya really )

 Wise words Sue and a lovely picture again , where would we be without you and your pictures . Fiona , try and have a little time to your self aswell hun , i know you want to keep busy but think of your self too .. Rosemary , any more plans yet ???

  Well dads op is next tues and he cant wait , at first they said he would just be a day patient but now they say they just dont know how it is going to go , he really wants the op but also he is a bit scared (i#d be a lot scared ) they've got to get this plate /chain out by only giving him a local anasthetic , (not fit enough for a general ) i just hope after all this , it does improve thingsfor him .. Anyway thats enough form me for now ..

Lynne xxxx

Hello Everyone,

Hugs to you Lynne on your 9mths - mine's as you know was a couple of weeks ago and I really felt it.  I hope the op goes well on Tuesday and will be thinking of your dad. 

Lesley & Amanda - I don't have the right words to say to you or any comfort about it getting easier but just know that we all think of you every day and are here for you xx

Helen - hope the shopping went well.  I know what you mean about this weekend.  Easter Sunday last year Wully came home for the hospice on the Saturday night for one night and it was horrific to be honest.  He was very ill and he had 2 pumps and glass ampules of morphine to be injected for breakthrough pain (which was frequent) and I had to keep breaking them and giving them to him and couldn't do it well and kept cutting my fingers on the glass trying to open them - especially at 3am whilst I was still half asleep and so tired.  He was determined to sleep in our bed (which was upstairs) which was an ordeal getting him to it (and the last time he ever slept in it) and then in the morning he went down the stairs on his bum and then collapsed twice at the bottom (once on top of Ewan).  I had to get my neighbour in to lift him with me into his wheelchair and I had the kids with me too - it was very frightening and upsetting for us all.  I just had to take him straight back to the hospice.  Then on 7th April we were told he had 6-7mths and there was nothing more could be done.  He only got 2.5mths.  Sad times ahead for the next few months until the anniversary I think for a lot of us.

Ailsa, Judi, Dottee, Sue, Rosemary, Patricia (loving the tales from the far east!), Fiona, Dave, Bren, Teri and anyone else I missed (sorry!!!!) hope you are all ok.

I have a busy few days ahead of me so hopefully won't be that bad.  Off out tomorrow with a friend, and then again on Saturday with a girl I used to work with and got in touch with me now that I moved back.  Then mum and dad are taking the kids away Monday to Wednesday to the caravan so I will have to get some social engagements in my calendar!!!!  Work is still bedlam but I am quite calm about it this week - don't ask me on Monday though!

Take care everyone.

Gayle xxx

Have just got back from my group. A lot of tears from many of us tonight, along with a few laughs. I think it does help, the same as talking to all of you helps. We were talling about moving on, new relationships and a different kind of life. Very difficult things to talk about and not a subject most of us want to admit to thinking about, let alone doing.

I have been thinking about how things might change and have been thinking more and more of late about how frightening it is to think about being alone for the remainder of my days, yet knowing that right now I don't want a relationship with anyone else. We all got talking and I sumised that what I actually want is to be able to be taken out occasionally but only to nice places, wined and dined etc but it has to be written into my imaginary contract that it stops there!!! Can you imagine? I like the idea of male company but only on my terms.... how selfish is that? We had quite a laugh about it though, the hospice even talked about a small business on the side, where both parties could set out their terms and conditions, lol.

Seriously though they made me feel much better as they said that because I was beginning to look at the future and imagine meeting new people, even if only as friends, means that I am slowly starting to accept that Colin has gone and realising that I still have a life. I agreed, I have been doing new things but like a shy child I venture from my hiding place, take a few tentative steps and then go scurrying back to my hidey hole until I feel brave enough to do it again!

Am now winding down with a drop or two of red.

Lynne, thanks for your continued support, I hope your dad's op goes well.

Manda, please bring us some sunshine back, I always feel better when the sun is shining down. Hope you manage your six month mark while you are away.

Hugs to Gayle, thank god I never had to go through what you and Wully did. I kept meaning to say after looking at his photo, I can see why you fell for him, what a looker!!!

Love to everyone else. xx Lesley xx

Lesley glad you went to your meeting and got benefit from it.  You can do this and you will.  Your comment about Wully made me smile as I can picture him now beaming that you said that lol.  He was not very confident about his looks and when he had his big op he lost 4 or 5 stone so got all big headed when he could buy nice clothes.  x

hello all, it is morning here (8 hours ahead of the UK). Yesterday we went to Osaka castle. Itn looks a bit like a pagoda from the outside. Inside it is all about the person warlords who built it. We did attemp-t to watchb some short videaos about it but I kept noddinbg off oops...  nothibng new there then.  Lots of walking going on. my legs are aching from it. Last night we went to visit Kayo:parents and saw a traditional japanese room..  We then went out for a family meal (how strange does that sound). They are such friendlyb people and must wonder what their daughter has got them into. lol. In was eating some sort of raw fish and drinking (yes drinking) Saki. myb family were shocked when I said I would have more Saki. they were afraid I would be fvalling all over the place as it is about 14% proof.  I was fine as we were sat for quite some time.

the table was a low one with the seats where you squat but they were cheats becausse there was a well under the table so you actually sat as normal. not easy to sit on orn get up from though lol.

moving to Kyoto today so will hopefully find internet there.

Love and angel hugs to you all x x x Patricia x x x

p.s. not read the post so hope you are all ok x x x

happy Easter to  all you lovely people .

sue xx

Afternoon all , Happy easter to you too Sue , what a lie in you had 12.30 was it , how did you do it , i think we're all going through a sleepless restless period , probably this easter thing thats happening , makes us realise even more what we're missing .. I'm trying to keep busy , got lots of jobs planned but not made much head way yet . oh well tommorow is another day ..

 Take care all Lynne xxxx

Hi, lynne

I was so exhausted that i went back to bed with the cat after i gave the dogs their breakfast - how sad is that!!!

my teenage daughter actually woke me up to see if i was alright - can't bloody win! she rarely emerges from her sty until gone midday - she had to be up today to meet some friends so decided to wake me as well!   don't you just love 'em!

Don't like easter at the best of times; have always found it hard to cope wih, and this year is certainly not the best of times.   it would help no end if I could shift my rear end and get on with some of the jobs that desperately need doing  but can't get moving.

As you say there's always tomorrow - perhaps i'll waste that as well.

sue xx

napoleon is replying to gayle's Facebook status - i don't know how to post it there!!!!