My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello everyone.  Sorry I am very late again.  I have just been catching up on posts from the past couple of days.  I missed my pilates last night to go to a neighbourhood watch meeting.  I am the treasurer.  I would have been better off at the pilates!  I don't think much is ever going to happen with the watch so getting close to dropping out - life being too short to waste an' all.  I went to the cinema with a couple of friends tonight - pizza first.  It was good fun but one of my friends brought me an 'I saw this and thought of you' gift - a penguin torch!!  It is one of those wind-up ones.  I have to squeeze one of his wings to charge him up.  It is lovely.    She knows I am struggling right now and thought it might help.

Bren I am glad your cold is getting better and that the arrangements for your trips are all sorted.

Lynne your holiday year must finish at a different time to mine if you have to take more unused holidays after easter.  Ours starts again on the 1st April and I can't wait as I have had no holiday left since the beginning of January.  I have 3 days away in April with Stu & Suzanne and 2 more off at the end of April to help Becky move.

Rosemary the dress shopping sounds brill but I so understand how you are feeling about the other things.  Each day I ask myself similar things but I also know the answer is just as Judi says.  We have to help them live their life to the full though don't we? ((((((hugs)))))).

Patricia it sounds like you are all ready for Stuart's wedding.  Wear all 3 fascinators if you can't decide - or keep popping out of the room to change tham - that will be fascinating!

Dot sorry your arm is still sore but the meerkat sounds lovely.  Hope you are okay otherwise.

Good luck meeting up with Gayle (tomorrow?) Judi.

Fiona you did well doing the sports relief walk on Sunday - it was a nice day here on Sunday so would have been good for a walk.  ((((((hugs)))))) to you for Monday.

Sue - yet another great penguin picture.  helen I was reading on facebook that most things are done for your charity night.  Do you know more about your meeting with the consultants yet?

I have come home tonight to a message from CRUSE.  I contacted them 2 months after Chris died for counselling and they said it would be 6 months.  I honestly thought they had forgotten.  I need to decide now whether I think it will help.  I am really not sure what to do.  I dn't suppose I will know until I try so I am thinking that maybe I should phone and make an appointment tomorrow.  If it doesn't feel right and can just go the once can't I?

Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

at the risk of sounding thick, what is a fascinator?

Sue it is usually a little net flower on a comb or headband for your hair xx

Thanks xx

Hi all

Ailsa, of course you can just go the once hun.  You just try it if you want to, and if you think it will help then carry on, if you don't then stop . Simples xx

Rosemary - I happen to know that there are some very beautiful mushrooms, so no excuses!  Although all this talk of fascinators is making me think we may have an evening outfit too!  Hope that you have enjoyed your evening and that your friends appreciated the make up! 

Fiona hun, huge hugs for Monday.  Well done you for doing the Sport Aid mile, I watched all the Eddie Izzard programmes about his 43 marathons in 51 days - incredible, just incredible and quite tear inducing.  So what's new!

Helen - it was only about three and half days ago that you were last on holiday!!!!!!  Bad luck on Sunday hun, That Alex Ferguson chappie was trained by me up in Aberdeen, so you should have known what would happen. 

Yes, it is tomorrow that Gayle and I are having coffee, she is coming to me (as long as her satnav works - otherwise she will need to phone for me to give her directions - now that could be quite funny cos I am not reknowed for my sense of direction!)

Nothing much to report from here, if I don't do anything exciting to tell you soon I will just make something up .... ok!!

Night night everyone from "an ever so 'umble" Judes xxxxx

Dot, I am sure thr right penguin will come your way pretty soon. Hope you and 'action man' are doing ok. (((((hugs)))).

Ailsa, the fascinators are not for this weekend they are the wrong colour (well I could get away with one of them I guess as it is a cream/straw colour). I have a hat for this weekend.Unfortunately I have been in silly shopping mode this past few weeks and keep repeating what I am buying. The thing is, I can't make my mind up in the shops so that is why I end up with so many things.  That and the fact that I can share them with Jennifer coz they are interchangeable. Pity I can't borrow her clothes too. Oh to be her size. Ah well, only myself to blame. Yesterday I bought the evening meal three times so by the time I got home I had no idea what I had actually decided to cook. (I go round the supermarket and think "oh that will be nice for tea, then forget and see something else and pick that up too. Duh! Mush for brains).  Ailsa, there is no harm in giving the councelling a go. As we said before, at least it gives you chance to talk to a total outsider about how you are feeling.  Be kind to yourself. x x x x

Sue, are you ok? You don't say very much just lately. Hope you are not having too tough a time x x

Judi, I hope that you and Gayle have a good visit. it will be good for yuou to catch up (so long as you and the sat nav don't send her to the Outer Hebrides lol).

Helen, hope the charity night is a great success when it arrives. Did you get a prom dress yet??

Rosemary, don't let all this new flood of emotions get under your skin hun. You are hanging on by a thread i know so let us make sure it is a magic thread which is as strong as tensile steel. Can't have it snapping now can we?The penguin huddle is waiting to welcome you and Ailsa to the middle.

Teri, what a gorgeous little fella Murray is. Congratulations. I think babies are wonderful for getting us through traumatic times. My little great niece was my saviour. I used to go visit for a cuddle when I was feeling at my lowest. She always made me feel a little better. She awarded me her first smile and her first chuckle. How lucky  for me. x x

I do hope everyone else is not doing too badly at the minute.

As for me, well wouldn't you know it, I now have a respiratory infection and am on antibiotics. Great timing or what?  Ah well, it is my own fault. I should have gone to the docs long ago. I am hoping that I start to feel more human by Saturday. (sorry for rambling).

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Morning everyone , sorry i didn't get on yesterday , i had a day from hell , sorry probably being dramatic , half a day from hell , first of all about 11 yesterday my sis phoned and asked me to go to dads clinic and try and get him in to see some one today , she had gone to see him and he looked very unwell , we could see over the last few days he seemed to be very down but we just thought he was fed up , any way she looked in his mouth and the plate/chain thats in , seems to be protruding even more , its caising him a lot of pain and he can hardly eat , even the fortu creme puddings which usually slide down . I spoke to the sister in the clinic who know the family and dad , she went to see the consultant and when she came back she said the doc said there was nothing they could do untill they take the plate out , so i asked when that was , and she said qpril some time , she could see i wasn't happy , i said course i wasn't , how could we watch him keep going down hill over the next 4/5 weeks , she promised as soon as they got some dates for surgery he is on the top of the list . Now we feel very let down , its hard to tell you whats happening in his mouth , but there is hardly anything left . We didn't want them to do the last op (which has now exposed the plate) he looks masacared and i'm not being dramatic there , grrrrrrr i hate my hospital . any way we made him an appointment with the gp last night and he has got an infection in it so we're hoping that once the anti biotics kick i  maybe he wont be in as much pain . When i'd just finished sorting this out my daughter  in law phoned and said my son had disslacated his knee  at work , he works 30 miles away so he was in a local hospital to that , aghhhh she wanted to fetch him home later but there car  was at his work . agghh again . Anyway we managed to work out that if she borrowed her friends car she could collect him when he was ready and i would take her to collect their car when i'd finished work so that why i didn't get in till about 7 last night . My son is on crutches now and not sure how long he will be out of action for . Anyway sorry for the ramble , sometimes you just need to put it all down dont you .. Good luck with the metting Gayle and Judi , give each other a hug from me . Hugs to everyone else , i'll be back later calmer and more sane (not a chance ) 

Take care .. Lynne xxxx

Morning everyone.  Is that you up for an early shift again Lynne?  You had a dreadful day yesterday.  I hope today is better for you.  It really isn't fair that your Dad is having to struggle so much while he waits for his operation.  I know he will appreciate everything you are doing to try to get it sorted for him and hopefully finding the infection and treating it will mean his pain is eased.  You seem to be having to keep an eye on everyone else right now so make sure you take care of you as well Lynne.

Rosemary I hope you had a good night out.  You need a little bit of fun so I hope you had some giggles.

Patricia even though the last thing you need is to be unwell this week I am glad that the infection has been found and you are on antibiotics as I know it was concerning you.  You know what is wrong now and there is time for the antibiotics to kick in before the weekend so that you can enjoy Stuart's wedding.

Well I had better go and get ready for work.  I am going to ring CRUSE and then see what happens - nothing ventured, nothing gained.  Teri I saw the photos of Murray on facebook and he is beautiful, congratulations.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Looking in an waving, not meant to be here as I've told Sam off for not doing her room and the bathroom she has made an extension to her room in terms of mess, she sits on the computer half the day.  So sending you all love, will be back later xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ok so either it's really quiet on here tonight or you are all waiting with baited breath for my return! Well I'm on my second glass of wine (actually also known as the other half of the bottle), so not sure if I can make much sense.  Having been really positive today and thought I had it all sussed Samantha and I ended up having a huge row this afternoon.  She had been moping around all day, firstly claiming a headache, then being tired and finally saying she was missing Wayne.  She saw him last night, he stayed the night and left at 5.30 this morning (early shift) but wasn't going to see him til at least tomorrow night after we had been up to London to visit the academy (long day looming).  I said the usual things about seeing him soon and it being good to be apart for a while to look forward to getting together again.  Anyway she carried on moping about and being miserable and finally said she had to call him and ask him over as she missed him and I didn't understand.  Sorry but I snapped and it was probably unfair and not the right person but the final straw, I just burst into tears and said "yes I miss my man every day and he isn't coming back, at least you're seeing yours tomorrow!"  She then burst into tears and told me that was unfair..... we went on from there, shouted at each other a lot, said stupid irrelavant things (well she did, I was utterly fair and always right!), she then said she was going to the yard (to do the horse) on her own.  I went upstairs in total meltdown, convinced that she would crash the car and die this time and there was nothing I could do and ..... she came back, we cried some more and then went to the yard together and talked it all through.

I'm wrung out and probably sozzled on too much Black Tower, oh well. 

Ailsa hope the counselling goes well, tell me all and maybe I will go and blow their minds totally!  Do you think they are ready for me?  I think we are all good for each other as far as talking things through and supporting each other and understanding, but maybe we need a calm, detached person to tell all to and talk it all out, stops it going round and round in your head doesn't it?  Anyway, good luck I'll be holding your hand (but promise not to listen). 

I think I'd better stop now, I keep going wrong and having to go back and correct it (OCD, I can't just leave it so any typo's you see means I didn't, woops!)  Need to get coffee I think xxxxxxxxxxxx