My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi Lynne. The Japan trip is set for 30th March. 3 days after the English wedding ceremony. I am not too sure how I feel about the proposed trip but everyone else is looking foreward to it.

I hope your 'brain' start to work better soon.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Thanks Patricia , i wont forget that date , its my daughters birthday lol . I'm sure when the time comes you'll be ready to enjoy it , remember you wont be able to go back afterwards to enjoy it , hopefully you will be fine hun . Dont know whats a matter with my brain , i just feel drained all the time . I am ok tho and i have been singing (well a noise was coming out of my mouth) along to the ambulance radio , poor patients lol . 3 weeks and i'm off for the week so hopefully i will get my brain back in gear . xxxxx

Dear Lynne, my poor patients have to 'suffer' my singing ever time I go to work. I bet you are looking forward to some time off work. Time to recharge your batteries.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Evening everyone.  I hope Manda & H have got off now.  I know the flight was delayed but hopefully all sorted by now.  Sue enjoy Cornwall and I hope your Mum is good.  I think Helen & Gayle are both off tonight as well so I hope you ae all enjoying yourself doing something different.  I dropped Declan off with his Dad this morning.  It was so lovely to have him and to smile a bit.  he told me a lovely thing.  Sorry if the relationship is complicated but - Becky's ex-boyfriend's mother told Declan he is really lucky to have great-grandparents.  I don't think he had thought of that before but he now seems very interested in the enormaty of having a mum, a nanna (me!) & a great grandma (my mum).  I suppose not all of his friends have families made up of so many generations.  Anyway the good news I have not done any of my dodgy breathing sonce Declan visited and I see him again on Friday so it's all good.  I can go to the outside of the huddle for a bit.

Lesley it is so sad to hear about your friends hubbie good she has your support.  You must watch out for yourself as well while you are there for her as it will be very hard for you so soon after losing Colin.  If she should decide to join us on here as you so rightly say we will make her very welcome.

Lynne if you are feeling drained it is good that you have a week off in 3 weeks time.  I am feeling more worn out than I had been since after Chris's birthday but I have used all my holidays and don't get anymore until 1st April.  I could really do with even one day off as I might stop feeling so overwhelmed all the time.  I have never run out of holidays before but I took quite a few in April before Chris died that probably should have been compassionate leave but that was never addressed by my work because of all the redundancy thing that was happening when Chris died.  I will just have to see how I get on in the next month and a half.

Judi - I will take you advice and plan a couple of evenings for telly viewing and avoiding the world in the next couple of weeks.  I am busy all this week but I think I could get Tuesday & Wednesday to myself next week.  If that works out I should really go ahead and tell people I am busy some evenings when I just want to be left alone to re-cooperate.

Patricia I must agree with Lynne.  You need to remember that you must enjoy the trip to Japan while it is happening.  I am sure you know that anyway and will make very effort to appreciate it.  I am quite good at feeling I must try doubly hard to enjoy for both Chris & I.  You are so right about having to try to figure out a way to accept our changed circumstance.  Some days it seems easier than others but I still can't get over how random it is whether I am having a good day or a bad day and why do some bad days feel like I have made no progress whatsoever.

Well I am tired tonight so I should just get off to bed I think.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Take care Ailsa xxxxxxxxx

Thats me back in from my night out and feeling much calmer.  I don't know what came over me this morning but for the first time since Wully died I really felt like I could just have walked out of the office but kept thinking where would I go?  I couldn't go home as my mum would be there and would worry and I didn't want to come and sit and cry in an empty hotel room.  But just been out with 3 of my friends and it was a good laugh so probably just what what I was needing.  I know exactly what you mean Lesley about the urges.  I too get them and sometimes feel like I hit a self destruct button.  My urges usually just involve gettting very drunk though and then having a massive hangover to make me feel worse.  The worst one was when I visited the hospice in December and really could have done something daft if it wasn't for the fact that I have 2 kids sitting at home waiting for me to come in.

The "urges" have been getting better though and meeting Lynne was such a good tonic so I am sure after the March meet we will all hopefully feel a bit better.

Ailsa - huge hugs.  Please slow down and take care of yourself as we all worry about you and your breathing.  Have you seen the doc about it as it sounds worrying - you must look after yourself.  Glad to hear that Declan lifted your spirits.

Huge hugs to everyone else and thanks for the kind words and texts.

Gayle xxx

Hi everyone

Thank you so much for all your birthday wishes for Boy.  Yes my marvellous, precious, wonderful, handsome, clever, awesome .......idjeeit ....... who forgot to charge his phone yesterday (even though his mummy reminded him to do it) and therefore couldn't take any of the calls that all his family were trying to make to wish him happy birthday until about 4pm this afternoon!!!!  What a numpty - do you guys know how many phone calls I therefore had to let me know that they had all been trying to get through to him....... but did I tell on him ..... no - I just said that he had been having problems with his phone but they were sorted now and he was SO grateful for all their wishes!!!!! 

The children's icecream cake was delivered to where he works part-time, the announcement on his student radio station was apparently suitably 'lovey dovey' from his mum.  Even the banner on the building opposite his flat worked out eventually!!    The boot of my car looks like a bootleggers dream - I must drop the supplies for the party off tomorrow - we have the quiz all written out, and the cocktail competition ingredients are all ready, the embarrasing photos have been blown up to huge proportions, the Morrocan lamb and the lasagne are made (in the freezer), the new guitar is waiting for him, step-sister will arrive from Dubai in time to gatecrash the party on Friday ......... come on - what have I forgotten???

Lovely day apart from ten minutes when I was walking the dogs and completely out of the blue tears were streaming down my face and all I could do was stand still and think "Where on earth have the last twenty-one years gone?" it was very a very bizzare, intense and literally breathtaking moment and then it stopped as fast as it started!!   Very odd indeed.

Ailsa I really, really hope that you do manage to keep those evenings 'blocked off' for Ailsa time.  Please try.  Sue, I hope that you visit to Mum is good and that you also get some time just for you.

Gayle my darling - I am really glad that you are feeling a little more chilled tonight.  I just know that Lynne was a marvellous tonic ....... wait til you meet all us other little Schhhhhhh .... you know whos - (come on then, who else remembers those adverts).   well I think we go very nicely with a Gin and slice!  You are doing a MARVELLOUS job of keeping everything going hun, just believe in yourself.   And Lesley - well done you for recognising these urges and working out how to deal with them the best way you can. 

Lynne and Patricia - do you want to borrow the photcopied Barry Manilow words that Gayle insisted I do for her?  I am sure she will share them with you once she has learnt them off by heart.  I think you patients would all appreciate a bit of Bazza!!!!

Well I am well and truly shattered and am going to sneak off to bed early tonight.  Lots of love to all and speak (hopefully more sense) tomorrow.

Judi xxxx

Lesley. Thanks for the invite as a friend. I have read some of your many posts and you are an inspiration so positive after so much pain (not to mention living in Manchester)>
Continue to be strong and I will be in touch
Love John 

Morning all

Thanks John for your post, I try to be positive but don't always make it! I have sent you a PM.

Patricia, Judi, WOW! Japan sound fabulous, I wish I was going. Judi you have worked so hard to make Boy's birthday a special one, I am sure he appreciates his very special mum!

Gayle, I am glad you are feeling a little calmer. I tend not to drink to much as I don't like the feeling of being out of control. That said I have a little something most nights! I had a lovely G&T last night, was it you Judi, talking about them? I had never had Gin before last year and thought I would try one, I'm hooked it's my favourite drink now.

Not much planned for today, I was hoping to do some tidying in the garden but we have had a little snow overnight. I think I might have a lazy day. I bought a dvd I have been waiting for ages for it to come out. 'The Time Traveller's Wife', I loved reading that book, so I might pour a glass of red and buy some chocolates and laze in front of TV later with my knitting!

I have a breakfast date tomorrow, never been out for breakfast before with friends!

Ailsa, do you think your breathing problem could be panic attacks? If they continue you must see your GP, just to get checked out, don't want you missing our meet!

Well the ungrateful one went out for the whole morning yesterday. What a sorry state he was in when I returned from the dentist. He had ignored his lovely cat house and seemed to have spent the whole time sat in a cold, muddy, bush. he was one very wet and dirty cat! Do you think he has special needs, lol! I wouldn't mind but just 2 metres away was his house complete with food, water and a big, furry bed! Oh well, I don't know what more I can do.

Keep thinking of Manda and H in Florida, I hope she is enjoying the sun, can't wait until we start to get some.

Have a peaceful day all, speak later, love Lesley x

Very quick one as on the way to the shower (very smelly, dirty and cold at the moment) but Lesley would you believe Dave also ignores his "Dave house" and spent the whole night out in the cold night before last and just doesn't go in there!  Only once did I find half a mouse in the porch area so he knows it's there, silly cat

Judi you are an amazing mum, what lovely surprises for Boy, glad he's enjoying his birthday's. xxxx