My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Morning all.  I am over the meltdown of last night - just tired I think, should have gone to bed sooner.

Lesley the cat house you have in mind sounds purrrfect - sorry!  I used to have 2 cats when the kids were little and they would have loved to snuggle up in that while I was out.  No wonder Judi's dogs are jealous.  I am glad you feel so much calmer.  Like you, I am not sure I described properly what I feel about Chris's presence.  I spent long periods of time in our house on my own while Chris was singing at weekends or while he worked a late shift during the week so when I am at home it is very easy to forget he is not coming home.  It is a nice feeling sometimes but I come down with a bit of a bump after a while.  During the time when I am feeling like he might be home soon I can really feel his love which is the presence I mentioned.  I think it would be similar to Colin's love that you can feel.  The love I can feel is exactly the same as the love I felt for the past 34 years.  Unlike you, I can't feel it when I am shopping or at work or alot of other places.  I don't know why.  I am not concerned that I can't but it makes me anxious to get home or at least into my van where I can feel it.  I suppose it just shows how different people and relationships are.  I think it would be lovely to feel Chris's love all the time but for now at least, I can't say I do.  The good thing is I am feeling it right now because I am at home and that is a lovely way to start a day. 

Glad you got your tickets - only 34 sleeps to go.

Good luck with the driving Dot!  Hope everyone else is okay today.  It is just as dull here again so I think I will go and tackle the bookcase.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xx

Morning everyone,

Bit delicate this morning but had a good night.  Bit of a blast from the past staggering up through the town arm in arm with my pal but a laugh.

Lesley, I am sitting here in tears reading your post as what you say is so true and has really struck a chord with me (its funny how affected you get by some posts?).  Wully adored me and I always felt very safe in his love.  When he died a medium told me that she could see me with what looks like a large blanket round me and that is Wully wrapped round me taking care of me.  For a very long time I haven't seen that or felt it but you hit the nail on the head when you said at times you didn't allow yourself too.  I don't let it in as I can't bear very often too and generally just feel angry with Wully and have done for months as that is my way of dealing with it but when I read your post I got a wash over of feeling of love from Wully which I have let in for probably 5 minutes before I shut it all down again.  I don't feel strong enough to let it in and it is easier for me to put up a brick wall.  I better go as the tears won't stop.  Probably just feeling sorry for myself with my hangover lol!

Gayle xx

Oh Gayle I didn't mean to make anyone sad  :-(    I wanted to share because I think Colin would be sad if I felt his love any less than I ever did. He wanted me always to know how much he loved me but like you, I kept shutting it out or maybe it was more that I couldn't feel it because of my blind panic. Ailsa, I'm sure wherever you were while Chris was alive, he loved you and that love will always be with you no-one can take what he had for you away, it is yours for keeps.  :-) Our lovely hubbies may not be with us in person but no-one can take the love we shared from us.

Well the new cat house is now in place, it has a downstairs for biscuits and water and an open upstairs as well as an enclosed upstairs, complete with furry cat bed. Is my mad cat grateful? Like hell he is, he is studiously ignoring it! When I put him in, he leapt out as if I had placed him in a container of burning tar! Hmmm, he'll be glad of it when the back door is closed and it is howling with wind and rain, either that or he can hide under a cold, wet bush, my consious is clear ;-p

Well no sunshine but it is reasonably warm and dry.

I have bought a rack of lamb for my dinner tonight, never cooked one before, I hope I don't mess it up as it was fairly expensive.

speak later Lesley x

Hi Gayle hun, you know what then .....  I am glad you have a hangover (how mean do I sound!) if it meant that you let the love in even for five minutes!  We are all learning to deal with this new and scary situation we find ourselves in the best way we can, everyone differently.  There are no right or wrong ways, just our way.   But I like to think that just for a minute today, sore head and all, you felt snuggled by love - even if it did make you cry.  And you know what, Wullly loves you and knows you so sompletely that he will know and understand full well about the wall .... and how to sneak past its defences occasionally!   Lazy day for you missus. 

Loads of love Judi xxx

hey Judi, I hope you shut your dogs in another room before you logged on, although maybe I'll send it your way if catface continues to be so ungrateful, lol. x

I'm sorry if I've upset you by asking the question about a 'presence' in your house...............stupid of me not to realise it!!!!!  I'll go away with a pink embarassed face and slapped hand.......

As for the driving - well I can drive but have never taken a test..... and now it's harder being in 2 parts (or is it 3 now????)  Excuse the memory in the retired brain cell - it can't multi-task!!!!!! xxxx

I don't think you have upset anyone dotee.

dOT, WILL YOU EVER STOP APOLOGISING FOR YOURSELF?

wE LOVE YOU JUST AS YOU ARE, DOTTINESS AND ALL - AND YES, IT HAS GIVEN US SOMETHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT BUT i'M SURE THAT i SPEAK ON BEHALF OF ALL THE PENGUINS WHEN i SAY THAT YOU HAVEN'T UPSET US, AND i'M SORRY THAT THIS IS ALL IN CAPITALS BUT I PRESSED THE WRONG BUTTON AND I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO REDO IT!!!!!

sue xx

Napoleon says if he can do it, so can dottee xx

Hi All , sorry i'venot been on , i've been without internet for 36 hours aghhh , i've got it sorted now but i need to catch up . I did a long post yesterday morning and lost it , hopefully its working ok now , i couldn't cope lol . Back soon xxxxxxx

Back from Tescos, flowers placed and a chat with Ed.

 I am quite sure Dottee that it would be IMPOSSIBLE for you to upset us!!! I completely understand what the lady was talking about.  While I may not always describe it as a presence, a lot of the time I just 'feel' my love for Ed and his for me - and that will do nicely thank you. 

Lesley - you quite right ..... I was laughing out loud at the luxury you have provided for 'The Ungrateful One' - Joey is now sulking so I am going to have to have a chat with him and explain that they are very lucky dogs in that they actually have their own bedroom in the house, and it may well be the case that 'The Ungrateful One' doesn't have that luxury!!

Sue - HOW ARE YOU TODAY? teehee. 

Off downstairs to bribe the dogs.  loads of love - Judi xxx

Lynne ..... arrgggghhh indeed - I just can not and will not imagine life with out my internet, so glad that you have it fixed.