My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Fantastic Sue ....... shame that you won't see your car ever again though! Lol

Judi xx

Hi everyone.  Sue the letter was lovely - thank you so much for sharing it with us.  And now your daughter has passed her driving test as well.  You must be so proud of them both.  Give your daughter my congratulations.

Fiona I think the cemetery where Chris is must be a bit like the one where Gordon is.  Like Lynne I seem to be able to put anything I want there.  I have been and put a small bird bath within the curb today because Chris loved to watch the birds in our garden.  Some of the graves with no curb have small fences round them and some have edging stones all round them.  There are lots of toys, solar lights, lanterns with candles burning in them (I have one for Chris which I light everytime I visit) and no-one seems to touch any of them.  It always feels like a safe place.

Judi I didn't see any news yesterday but that must have been such a shock for you.

Lesley I hope you were able to make the most of your nice sunny day.  I have been out and about but it has been a very damp, dull day here today.

Gayle I hope you have great fun out around some of your old haunts tonight.

Helen I had a lovely girlie night in with Becky last Saturday - nice food, little bit of wine and some TV - glad you had a lovely time with Nat.

My friend couldn't make it after all this afternoon so i used the time wisely to get some jobs done and get on the wii fit again.  Hopefully I have Stu's girlfriend this evening for some food and company.

Have a nice evening everyone.  Ailsa xx

Well done to Sue's daughter, you can ask her for lifts now!

I have had a really nice day. I took myself off to Manchester and wandered about in the lovely sunshine. Spent some money on myself and had lunch out! On the way home I called at Rachel's and had a lovely cuddle with Daniel.

I was thinking and chatting to Colin this morning and I thought I would share with you. My life has totally changed, nothing seems the same, then I realised something is the same, has remained unchanged and that is my love for Colin and his for me. We loved each other so much. When we were apart, say at work we both felt secure in our love for each other, I could feel it if I was out shopping, at a friends anywhere at all. That has not changed, yes we are apart, only this time for longer, one day we will be together again. Until then I have to try to think this is just another time apart and try to approach it like I did when he was out at work etc. I hope this makes sense, I know what I mean lol, I have not had too much wine! It has made me feel calmer today somehow, like he is just away, he still loves me, we just can't be together in person.

I've booked my train tickets, whoop!

I hope tomorrow is sunny too. I want to try to find an outdoor house for my loopy cat!

Hugs to all, Lesley xx

Evening all - Sue well done to your daughter for passing her test - now I guess I'll have to take mine too??  Kind of puts me on the spot doesn't it??  Can't be beaten by a youngster!!!!!  Ealier this week I went to our Readers' Group and one of the books discussed was by Doris Stokes (her autobiography).  The lady that read it is a bit of a sceptic about D S's claims - but said something which I found interesting and I don't know if you agree with this or not.........The lady in question has been a widow for a good many years and said that even now she feels a 'presence' in her house that she can only describe as being her husband............She can't see him or touch him but it's as if he has just gone into another room for a minute or two and she still feels his warmth and love around her.  She finds that this helps her to feel calm and at peace with actually being on her own...............

yvonne - if you're still looking in, would love to know how you are doing.

sue xx

Good luck with the cat house hunt Lesley.  I hope the weather is nice for you and that my weather is a little better.

I am curious about what both of you say about a 'presence' Dot & Lesley.  To this day I still feel as though Chris is not far away and that it is only a matter of time until we will be together again.  I am not a religious person but I still believe that people have such an impact on us that they live on in the things and people they have affected in their lives.  I feel very calm when I am at home and also when I visit Chris's grave.  The other place I feel close to Chris is in my van.  Chris chose my van for me after he was diagnosed.  What I really hope is that it is while I am driving that I feel his presence because he always told me to drive carefully.  He was worried I was too distracted by his illness to concentrate on my driving properly.  I want it to be while I am driving and not the van itself as realistically I will have to have a different vehicle at some point.  I talk to Chris in this house, at his grave and in my van so I must feel he is there mustn't I?

I've had a busy evening making up a piece of furniture I got from ikea last week.  It went fine but there is one screw thing missing so I will have to go on their website and see if there is a way of getting it sent to me instead of going back to the store.  It means I haven't been able to finish one of the drawers.  Anyway I got it to put all of Chris's painting things into so that they don't get dusty or spoiled.  I have been looking at some of his sketches which was nice but sad.  I have a bookcase to build tomorrow so here's hoping all the pieces are in that box!

I was a bit down earlier but I think I have pulled myself together.  Stu's girlfriend changed her plans tonight and went to meet a friend she hasn't seen in a long time.  She does absolutely right but I felt a bit abandoned.  I don't want her or Stu to know I felt like that and I have kept myself busy instead but I had turned down 2 other offers of something to do this evening and ended up in on my own.  As has been said many times on here already other people have their lives to lead.  I just feel a bit isolated because that was 2 letdowns in one day.  My friend didn't make it round this afternoon either.  Hopefully I will get some visits tomorrow from the kids and I am supposed to be going to a neighbour for lunch.  Good thing is I got loads done.

I don't want to be too sorry for myself so I will get over it.  I have things on for the next few weeks so it shouldn't happen again like this for a while.  Hope everyone has had a good evening.  Ailsa xxx

No time to post properly but whilst I remember it Lesley, we have a "Dave House" for Dave cat and it is a brilliant little outdoor "kennel" specially designed for cats.  I will find you the website.  xxx

Love to you all and hugs for those that need them.  I have got the fire going on the ledge and the hot chocolate is brewing, I feel a long night coming on, a very silly little thing set me off tonight and feeling down, so anyone who wants to can join me there, otherwise sleep tight my little penguins. xxxx

Think I will join you by the fire on the ledge Rosemary.  Just been on facebook and my girls have been sending each other messages about the nicknames their Dad had for them.  Big meltdown just kicked in and can't see a thing for the tears.  Bed might be the solution xxxx

Aw Ailsa, big hugs for you. Also lol, there is ALWAYS a screw missing, it's part of the flat pack experience!

Ailsa, I wouldn't say I have felt a presence exactly, what I think I was trying to say is before he died, we often spent time apart, not long periods but whilst at work or visiting friends etc. His love for me was with me where ever I went and mine with him, why should it be any different now? He is not with me and the only difference is I don't know where he is this time, I can't picture a place in my mind's eye. I know where his body is but not his soul, the essence of who Colin was/is. Just because I don't know where he is this time and it is going to be for longer doesn't mean his love for me is any less than it ever was. I am trying hard to feel as if this is just another time apart like any other, just for longer, trying to remember how loved I felt when I had gone shopping, surely it is just the same when I go shopping now, his love is still with me, no less than before. It is not so much that I feel his presence anywhere, just feeling his love inside me, where it has always been. I am sure that whatever he wished for me before, wherever he is now, he would still wish the same. He would not want me to be unhappy and live a half life. One of the last things he said to me was that I must not be scared because he would never leave me, his love would always be in my heart, he was right, it is, it never went away, I just felt too frightened to feel it.

Rosemary, I have something in mind for the cat house but I can't find just what I am looking for. I wanted something like the indoor totem poles you see but with a cat house at the top, I want it high up. All the ones I have seen are on the ground. Last time we had a cat, we used an old rabbit hutch with a door removed, the cat loved it. I think I am going to have to go for that option again. A double tierd one means I can put food and water at the bottom, straw at the top and his bed behind the enclosed section with a door. He should be snug in there. He is getting bored stuck in while I am at work but I don't like the idea of leaving him out without a shelter. Would be just my luck to spend all this money and him run away, lol.

Hope you all have a good day.  xx

Morning everyone.

Quite a dull day here but ...... for a change almost not cold (I was lging to say warm but that would have been an exaggeration!)  But it does mean not quite so many layers of clothes.

Ailsa, how odd you should post about 'abandoned'.  I was also expecting a friend yesterday afternoon at around 2.30 and when she hadn't turned up by 3.30 I texted her.  She immediately phoned and explained that her brother had turned up unexpectedly etc.  anyway, the upshot was that she didn't come round (not her fault at all) but it was quite odd because I felt very 'vulnerable' for an hour or so - it was quite odd because I was going out in the evening, so was going to see people, but for a short while it did throw me.   I hope that you and Rosemary kept the fire gently burning last night and gained a little comfort knowing we are all there with you both.

Lesley, please don't talk so loudly about the wonderful house you are planning for you cat - I think my two dogs may have been looking over my shoulder as I read it!  They certainly are looking at me as if they are very hard done by!  I am glad that you had a good day shopping, and I think your description is exactly right hun, Colin's love is exactly as it always was.  I hope this feeling of calmness stays with you for as long as possible.  VERY glad you have bought your tickets madam!

Helen, very happy that your 'red men' (you will notice I am almost fluent in football speak now) won!  Yes Dottee, it  does mean that you have to pull your finger out - can't let these youngsters beat you. 

To everyone, hope you have a good Sunday, speak later.

Judi xxx