My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Ha, ha that's a point, maybe we should all get updated photos posted before we meet up or wear a red rose, lol. I don't think I have seen a photo of Gayle. Have a wonderful evening, can't wait to meet you all.  xxxxx

Hey Judi, I don't think there are many of you either. You have a big hat on, maybe you should wear that to meet Manda and I!

Evening to you all, It has took me ages to catch up on all the post, my friends son had my laptop away to get all the updates done, i have missed it but seems to be working a lot faster now. Not a lot going on with me just working away been very busy today. Galye and Lynne i hope you have a good night. I have nothing planned for tonight or tomorrow. Had my niece's girl to stay last night so that was nice. A woman i use to work with her husband has just been diagnosed with cancer, and like we say i feel for her as we  know what she is going through. Kim is a bit better again it's so hard for them. Darren doing fine but no jobs so thinks he will make home when he has done all his trips as it's so expensive and money running out fast, but he had a great day at Steve Urwin's zoo and got some good photos. It's been a great day here but it's been very cold and i think it will freeze tonight. Well not had tea so better go and see what i can have speak soon Luv to All Fiona xxxxxxxxx  

Lesley, I will let you into a secret, as long as you don't tell anyone round here.  The hat was hired!!  sssshhhh.   That picture is of Ed and me at his elder daughter's wedding in 2005, everybody spent an absolute fortune on their outfits - particularly the bride's mum - but my friend found a lovely dress and floaty jacket that she thought would suit me (how lovely to have a personal shopper!) for £70, the shoes I already had, the handbag was £4 online!! and the hat was hired ... teeheee.  But on the day everyone was very complimentary. 

But it does mean that it is unlikely I can wear it to Newcastle ..... you will be glad to hear!

Judi xx  

Gayle ..... ARE YOU READY YET ....... LYNNE'S THIRSTY!

Hi all, had a good evening and a lovely meal with the family. They are all so lovely. Unfortunately I now feel very, very sad and am missing Ray more than ever. Have been in tears on and off since 8.30 pm.  Ah well, this is my life from now on. Guess I better get used to it.

Lynne andGayle, glad you met up. Hope you are having a good time.

Love and angel hugs everyone x x x Patricia x x x

Angel hugs to you,  Patricia.

Time to get back in the middle again.

sue xx

Thanks Sue, I seem to be so needy at the minute. I just don't know what is wrong with me. I think I must be going crazy. Why else would I let myself get into this state?

Not crazy Patricia, just hurting.

I have taken the dogs out (how repetitive am I! - tomorrow, just for the sake of a change I will tell some story about playing in the garden with the orangutangs!) and am home and if I am honest I think that the high of the last few days has worn off a little as I am feeling a bit flat and am allowing myself to listen to Deacon Blue (it was on constantly when I first met Ed). 

However, what I can say to both you and Manda, and anyone else that is that horrible dark pit that seems to be impossible to drag yourself out of, whether is solely due to 'habit' or 'time passing', now the dark days or sad days, while still crap, are more manageable. 

It is almost as if your brain is telling you - 'Yes, this is it, this is how it is now, and it's not good - but you know what, you have had better days and you will have more, so you can accept this for what it is - a bad day, and no more than that, and eventually they will lessen in number, with the good ones increasing.  It is a different kind of good, not as wonderful, not as fulfilling but can still count as good.  

Maybe it is that you eventually learn to measure 'good' in a different way, I am not sure.  Does not compare to before? Absolutely not.   But if you measure it against your 'new normal' then yes, there can be a good days. 

So, although today is obviously going to be a 'quietly reflective sad day' for me, I can cope with that, and with all my heart I hope that you all reach that step.  One day at a time, at your own pace.

With so much love - Judi xxx

I have been thinking along the same lines as You, Judi, Patricia, Manda. What is the point, is this it, my life now? I know I will have calmer days, maybe happier days but carefree days??

I look at photos from earlier last year, I look as if I have not a care in the world, will I ever feel like that again? I am pretty certain I will never be with anyone else, I am too selfish and know I would hate anyone who tried to step into Colin's shoes. For instance, if i was with someone else and took little Daniel out I couldn't bear anyone with me as that should have been Colin's role, one he wanted so much. That is just one for instance there are many, many more. However, at the same time the thought of spending every night/evening alone, no-one to share with, no-one to look after, to be no-one's special person, fills me with dread too, there is no pleasing me!

I now have everything I ever wanted, except for the person I wanted it with most.

It's funny, I have always been OK with my own company. During the school holidays, whilst Colin was out at work, I always manages to find things to occupy myself. I suppose I was happy because I was secure in the knowledge that he would be coming home. I used to love getting the house ready for him, you know, fire lit, candles, a glass of wine ready. He also said he loved to pull up in the car, seeing the house all cosy, now I feel at a loss. I have just finished my cleaning and ironing but so what there is no-one to appreciate it. i loved to feel needed, we needed each other.

My holidays for this year are sorted but I often wonder what I will do in the future, holidays alone would be horrid, no-one to share with again.

Well I am off to wrestle with my hair straighteners in a minute, the worst thing about my wrist being broken has been not being able to do my hair, vain I know but am determined to do it today!

Have a decent day all, can't wait to hear how Gayle and Lynne got on!  xx

(((((((Hugs))))))) to everyone. x x x

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x