My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Good evening all.  WELL DONE JUDI - CONGRATULATIONS - BUT I KNEW YOU WOULD DO IT ALL ALONG!!!!  I was just thinking how nice it would be to get out onto that ledge, huddled round the fire, drinking hot chocolate and keeping each other safe when I got to your good news.  It definately lifted my spirits.

I've sold the van.  It wasn't suppose to happen until next week but Chris's friend who bought it sold his car as soon as he put it up for sale so he needed the van straight away.  He rang me at lunchtime.  I thought I would be okay with this because it was something Chris had specifically told me to do and I have been woried because it has been 9 mths almost & I haven't done it yet.  However after I spoke to Al I started to feel sick and then my dodging breathing thing kicked in.  Then I just knew I was going to cry so I legged it to the loos.  A colleague followed me and we had a hug but I decided I would have to go home.  Seemed like the only logical thing to do.  I got some flowers and went to chat to Chris and then when Al came for the van we had a lovely reminise about Chris so I have calmed down now.  I'm proud I have done it and I suppose it was never going to be without tears was it?  Don't you go rushing to sell Dan's car Bren because there is no rush.  I am not intending getting rid of anything else of Chris's now.  Stu has joined a band so he wants me to keep Chris's singing gear for a while at least so that takes that pressure off.

I hope your laptop & your cold are better soon Bren!

Lesley & Rosemary I feel so much like both of you most of the time.  I live alone and find it so sad that no-one really seems to come to the house much now Chris isn't here.  Stu & his friends all supported the same football team as Chris and they regulary watched matches at my house because I had a big TV and a fridge full of beer and pizzas.  Since Chris died they have slowly started going to the pub to watch matches more & more often.  I feel sad that the house isn't as noisy at it was this time last year.  However I have to also admit that sometimes when I have had a few too many visitors I wish they would all just leave me alone to grieve for a bit.  I think it just means there is no pleasing me.  The one & only thing I want I can't have.  Gayle I don't eat at my table now either.  I tried to but I feel very lonely so I usually eat in the sitting room now.

Dot I hope you & Alan are able to do something nice this weekend.  I love the picture I have in my head of Patricia with Mr Tickles arms stretched out all around us.  The pictures are lovely Lynne & Sue.  Hope you are doing okay Dave & Fiona.  Hope you have done well on your hygiene course Helen.  I have some work on a certificate course I need to complete so maybe I will get on with it next week.  Rosemary I hope you have fun with Sam's birthday celebrations this weekend.

Right I am off for some hot chocolate and to do some packing for tomorrow as I am way behind now.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xx

Thanks Napoleon!!

Thank you all so much for your wonderful wishes.  When Ed died I discovered that my self belief, which previously had never been in any doubt,  had actually only been fuelled by my darling's faith in me and in fact turned out to be a hologram which disappeared with him ...... I think maybe I see it twinkling again, thanks to all of you and the confidence you have shown in me.

Judi xxx 

Judi, that hologram is shining bright at the minute just keep it fuelled and it will shine even brighter x x x

I've had an idea for the project we were talking about a while ago.  Together we could put together a book - title A Huddle of Penguins.  Anyone can contribute but no-one has to, write as much as you like or as little.  The basic idea is to tell our stories, tell people about our lovely husbands and wives and what it meant that this awful disease not only took their lives but how horrible it actually was to go through.  Not to frighten and horrify people, especially those who are having to go through it or suddenly find themselves facing that possibility but to possibly help others understand this isn't just about losing someone you love but watching them suffer and feeling helpless.  It would be a way of showing others how we got through, how we found ourselves on here and other things we did to cope firstly with the illness etc and then how to cope with the loss.  Giving others hope and promise that they too can get through it and there are places and ways to get help, highlighting the marvellous work MacMillan do and the hospices etc, showing people that they need to ask questions and they have the right to answers, even when those answers are so very scary who to turn to for help in dealing with them. 

We have a wealth of knowledge between us and I think it could help others, in the first instance it might just make it together as a book about how the huddle of penguins came about, sell for X amount and profits could go to MacMillan and hospices of our choice, but also another thought occured to me that if it did actually work that we could get it together properly maybe we could do a condensed version that could be available free for people at the hospitals and hospices so they could read bits (like where to obtain benefits, how to get online and find support here) and if they wanted to they could buy/borrow the book and read more.  A bit like calendar girls but very different (no nudity thank goodness!)

So what do you think?  The committee room is open......bring in Napolean he's sure to have something to say about it.  I'll go and put the kettle on.

Wow Rosemary you have been busy with your 'thinking cap'. Well done you.  I am not sure exactly what I would contribute to this but will try my best to oblige. Of course I dohave a story to tell or I would not be here. I guess we just have to write it down and then see where it takes us. It is very scarey though even thinking of taking on such a huge project. There are lots of practical and legal issues which will need to be looked into before we embark on this journey. I love the idea though.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Rosemary - do you have any idea how amazing you are - I think that is a wonderful idea. 

Bizarrely (but in no way as useful as your idea) just last week I was thinking to myself that if you trawled though our posts from the beginning you could select certain ones, or cherry pick, chronologically, and they would tell a very honest story of how this journey can be.   Do you think that we do actually share the same brain cell - it just gets a bit smarter when it lives with you!!!  Obviously I will need it back for the new job, but I think you should keep it until then and work on 'the plan'.

Today I bought a pair of fuschia pink wellies ......... because it is bl**dy snowing again.  Enough now, I say. 

I am off to a silent auction (no I won't be bidding) at an art exhibition organised by a friend in aid of their chrity 'Befriend a Child' - a mentoring system that runs in conjunction with the Children's Panel.  (where 'troubled' children are sent if they have done something wrong or committed a crime etc).  So am planning on my black shift dress, fuchia pashima and fuschia wellies - what do you think?

I won't be late so will be back to see how everyone is.

Tons of love to all.  Let me know how you are all doing - special hugs to those that need some care.

Judi xxxx 

Hello Ailsa..... my john died also on the 2nd of may 2009..i.m not 2 good with words but all of the above i feel the same!!!!!!not only i had caner myself...jan nina jill....i had my treatment 3 months .... and my john worked away...he came home not feeling rite..they gave john 6 months,he was with us five and a half months....i miss him so so much i can,t explain......please take care...jan nina jill......................

Evening all , well had an absolute week from hell , but i wont bore you with it all . Well done Judi , i'm so proud of you xx Ailsa i hope you've got to your daughters ok , have a nice weekend xx Rosemary , have i missed where your blog is ? great idea about the penguin book , cant wait to hear more ideas xx Hope everybody else is haveing a good evening , Helen will be on the wine now lol xx I'm making plans to go and see  Gayle in Birmingham , just trying to sort everythinkg out xx

Take care ...

Lynne xxx

Evening everyone

Lynne sorry you ve had a bad week xxx and I am sorry to disappoint you I havent poured a glass yet lol!! Told you I over indulged last Saturday lol. Might save myself for tomorrow night.

Good news you re off to Birmingham, have fun xxx

I ve just had a full house, son and daughter with friends then in laws. Finally got house to myself, aahh peace x Actually can enjoy the peace now, remember when I hated it. Progress eh? x

Love to all, have a good Friday night

Helen xx

Hi Helen , you have dissapointed me now , no wine lol . Been a change in plan now so not sure about Birmingham , oh well roll on march 13th xxxx