My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Just a quick posting to say thinking of you all and huge hugs to everyone that is struggling.

I am doing not bad again for the moment and thinking of all the positive things that are going on at the moment.  I was saying to my sister the other night that I feel that I am beginning to feel like the old me again.  For the last 4.5 years I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and no time to myself.  Now I have lost quite a bit of weight, started getting back into wearing nice clothes, going to the hairdressers and beautician regularly and actually feel 34 again.  Not nice how it has happened and of course would rather have Wully back any day but it feels good to feel a bit more "me" again instead of carer, wife, mother, friend if you know what I mean?

Judi - step away from the ipod - don't be sending me your playlists lol!!!  I am a music fan and always downloading songs from itunes as I have an iphone which is permanently glued to my hand and it plays through the speakers in the car.  The song "run" that Rosemary mentioned is a special song to us as I bought Wully the single when he was in hospital last Christmas.  He was always scared being on his own and the line in the song about how no matter where you are I will always be by your side was to help him and it did.  I then played it at his funeral and his nephew (who is the same age as me) asked me about it and I explained the words.  He has since went and had those words tattoooed on his back which was very touching.  Not sure if anyone watched the hope for haiti concert but you can download the album on itunes and it is brilliant although have the hankies ready.  One song on it reminded me of all of you and I meant to post earlier about it - it is Lean on me and I think very apt for all of us.  The other one is bridge over troubled water by Stevie Wonder.  Anyway I am waffling now!

I am going to go to Birmingham on Friday on my own and looking forward to it.  Will pass on all the tips lol!  If anyone is nearby and fancies meeting up then give me a shout x

Take care everyone and thinking of you all always.

Gayle xxx

Glad you are feeling a little more positive Gayle, well done and good luck for Birmingham I'm sure you will have a lovely time.  I think Paul McKenna is brilliant and have tried his "I can make you thinner" techniques, scarily they do work.

I have just posted the prologue to "the book" for anyone that wants to read it, it is under my blogs "Tanglewood", hope you like it, I just rehashed it as wasn't sure about the beginning so do feel free to comment as much as you like I won't be offended and will probably be re-writing a lot more yet.  Toodles for now, will be back later xxxxx

Thanks Rosemary and will definitely read that - I love books and always have one on the go!

I hope you are doing okay and you are in my thoughts today.

Gayle xx

Could do with a hug and a huddle tonight, too many memories have decided to wash in.  Can't cope and hitting the chocolate biscuits and anything else I can lay my hands on.  Thought about having a large Baileys or two but got to get up early tomorrow for the horse so don't want to face a thick head.  Can't even cry yet as I don't want to upset Samantha, will have to wait til the dark of the night.  Sorry all, just had to have somewhere to say this, if not out loud at least where someone will hear it.  Thanks xxx

Oh Rosemary, I'm so sorry to hear that you are so down... and I understand what you say about not wanting to get upset infront of Samantha, I'm the same with Hayley. It's not that she would mind seeing me in tears, or even that she would feel uncomfortable, but I don't want to drag her down with me or rely on her to comfort me all the time.

Sending you much love and a great big hug, just wish I could do more...

Manda xx

Thank you Manda, just being there and understanding as a mum is enough.  Bless Sam she would give me a hug and today she gave me a wonderful facial, but you can't let your children in on the worst of the pain too often can you?  Not only that, she worries so much about things and can't cope if she thinks I am not coping and it just all gets worse.  I so wish Steve was here to share the worry of Sam and Dan, then I wouldn't be sad about losing him would I.  Not sure where to go from here.  Thanks Manda xx

Huge hugs Rosemary - totally understand exactly what you are saying and like Manda wish there was something more that I could say or do.  Go and have at least one drink as that might help you sleep a bit better too xxxx Feel so helpless and sending you lots of virtual cuddles and don't forget that even though we aren't there you are in our thoughts and all the penguins are huddling round you right now.

Gayle xxx

dear Rosemary

so sorry to hear that you're in the dark place;  memories work two ways, don't they! they ether bring smiles and comfort, or quite the opposite.

     “Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”

We WILL get out of this dark place; the loving, good memories WILL start to replace the bad ones, and we WILL survive.

because we love.

Yesterday was the anniversary of alan's diagnosis,and no matter how hard I tried , it was on my mind all day. what if.....  if only......... should I have............

We loved them and we saw them through the most harrowing of times; it is right that we remember those events from time to time, but it is also right that when we are ready we will move on and smile at our happier memories.

Lots of love and ((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

sue xx

Rosemary, Sue, anyone else in torment please, please accept these great big ((((((((gentle hugs)))))))) sent out with love to comfort and cossett each and every one of you. Take heart dear friends, we will getr through this. the question is how and when?

No great words of wisdom to offer just my unending support x x x

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hi eveeryone.  Had another busy evening as I had a few things to get into this week before I go to see Becky on Friday.  Rosemary I am sorry you are feeling so sad just now.  These flamin anniversary dates are awful aren't they.  I always feel I need to protect the kids as well even though I know they would say I shouldn't.  I'm sending you and Sue lots of ((((((((bug higs)))))))) and hope they help a little.

I have read your blog Rosemary and can't wait to read more - well done.

Gayle you sound so much more confident than you did.  It is lovely to read.  Have a great time in Birmingham at the weekend.

Rosemary I have some software for my laptop that converts cassettes to mp3 format with the help of a little box that I attach to the back of my cassette deck and my laptop.  I am using it on my record deck just now but once I have finished converting my LPs & singles to mp3 I am going to do the same with my old cassettes.  It is a kind of on going project of mine to be archiving all my music and photos properly.  I love my ipod and am trying to get all of my music on to it.  I have finished putting all of my cd collection on it and couldn't do without it.

I had a little bit of good luck today that I want to attribute to Chris helping me out.  I still have his van to sell.  I couldn't do it sooner because Stu was using it when he changed his job in September.  He had a company car with his old job but his new one with the police didn't have a car.  He got his car in November but it seemed a bit close to Christmas to try to sell the van.  I made up my mind to do it in February as I promised Chris I would not let it rot on the drive.  I was dreading doing it as I hate discussing money with people & I definately can't haggle.  There is a small job needs to be done on it as well.  Today an old friend of Chris's called to see how I was doing but as I wasn't in he left a message on my mobile.  He wants to buy Chris's van, as is because he is a mechanic, and convert it into a camper van.  I am so relieved and pleased in a very emotional way.  I love the idea that it is going to someone who knows Chris and will look after his van.  It is no ordinary van as it is a very rare model.  I am sure Chris would love that it was going to be turned into a camper as well.  Al doesn't live too near me so I won't have to see Chris's van on the road too often but it will be nice to see it occassionally.  I feel like that was a brill piece of luck for today.

Well I had better get off to bed.  Goodnight also to Patricia, Fiona, Helen, Lynne, Dave, Manda, Bren, Lesley, Dot and anyone else looking in this evening.  I hope you are all okay.  Ailsa xxx