Hello all, sorry not be about much - got rid of the bad weed now, thought we could have a communal bonfire and cheer up the neighbourhood, certainly warm us all up if nothing else. I love snow, I've always loved it by my goodness I've had enough now!  Can't get the horses vetted, can't get the stables or the fencing sorted so we can move them home, the yard we are at now is 5 miles away and a pain getting there at the moment and icy too so not much fun for the horses.  Dug us out and Daniel (although his neighbour then brought round his digger and finished the whole lot for us, brilliant what a relief), managed to get the dogs out most days to play and today took them for an hours walk so all in all I am fairly knackered. 

On Friday evening we did manage to send three sky candles for Steve (it was a year on Friday) and the first to soared away really fast the third was so funny, it started to rise then dropped down and skimmed across the top of the swimming pool (covered in snow and ice), with Daniel leaping along the side (me panicking that he would slip in) he was blowing on it and then managed to get a grip on it at the very end and yanked it skywards, whereupon it caught the draught, lifted over the hedge and then dashed off after the other two, silently vanishing into the night.  We reckon Steve had a hand in that one, it certainly brough some laughter through the tears.  As Samantha put on her Facebook status (all things in life are now measured by the Facebook status it seems), "365 days and it still hurts", the difference is dear friends that are still wading through the early days of bereavement is that you do become able to cope with it more, it still hurts, you are still sad and you still miss them each and every day but you do start to heal and cope with it.  I hope that helps.

Just had a lovely beef casserole and read that Lesley is struggling with the chicken tonight, hope it's coming along now Lesley!

Will look in later and see how you're all doing, love and hugs xxxxx

Ok how scary is this?  I just Googled the Penguin teabag dunker (It's a Penguin Teaboy don't you know?) and there were lots of listings...... including a link to this thread and Sue's post!!!!!!!  As it said on the link BE AFRAID.......

Oh Rosemary your post made me cry and then smile! What a very strange few days I have had. I feel elated at the birth of my much awaited grandson. Rachel had two miscarriges in 2005 the 2nd one was twins. It took her all this time to build up the courage to try again. Colin was so excited about finally becoming a grandad (Pops, he wanted to be called) I so wish he could be here to share all this. I was only thinking today that I have not cried much this week, probably because I have not had as much time to brood but, and I don't know if this will make any sense to anyone, I feel frightened that he is becoming less 'real', more a photo, a memory, it makes me hurt a little less but I don't want that to happen I want him to always be real to me but it is this thing I am feeling right now, yearning, pining that makes me hurt so much. Maybe this is the way it has got to be to enable me to cope. Sorry if I am not making sense, I have not been drinking, honest! Sometimes it is hard to describe what is going on in your head.

The chicken took forever to cook, by which time all the rest of the meal was overdone! Still edible though, just!

I know exactly what you mean and strangely was thinking somewhere along those lines earlier today, but I too can't put it into words properly.  I think that is why going into 2010 seems so hard, it feels like we are leaving them behind, moving on and not loving them so much, but that isn't it at all.  It's almost like if we smile we don't care so much, if we aren't crying then people will think we are "over it" and don't care so much.  Actually all our loved ones would want us to carry on, they'd want us to smile and laugh and live, keeping them in our hearts but not being sad.  Sorry going off on a waffling ramble here.

Be sure that "Pops" is close and beaming at little Daniel with all the pride and love you ever imagined he would and then he is turning to the new Grandma and giving her one hell of a hug.  Not ever just a photo in a frame, thats just the bit you can focus on when you need to, always a friend close by and just a thought away. xxxx

Rosemary and Lesley - how eloquently you put into words what I am sure the rest of us feel.  Tonight I had supper with Ed's sister Anne and her daughter Jackie and family.  I know I have explained before but Jackie has been a friend of mine for 25 years so all really family to me. 

Anne's husband died very suddenly three months before Ed.  Last night she went out for the first time socially (she has been out with me, with Jackie etc but not with friends) Anyway, she went to dinner at a friends house and there were fourteen of them in total and she had a hoot.  There was a mix of couples, widows, widowers, divorcees etc.  She was telling us about what they had laughed at, what she had talked about with a widower etc and I could see that Jackie didn't really seem to want to hear too much and at one point I thought see actually seemed uncomfortable about hearing that her mum had had such a super time.  Now these two are so close and more like friends than mother and daughter and Jackie ADORED her father.  As I was leaving I had a wee chat with her and it seemed although she was really glad that her mum had gone she was having very mixed feelings about the fact that Anne had enjoyed the evening so much.  I told her that I though the bravest that Anne had done was to allow herself to enjoy the evening, it can be so much easier not to try, not to let yourself laugh and joke with friends, exactly for the reasons that Lesley and Rosemary wrote.   I know that sometimes I think, totally illogically, that if you are laughing then it could be seen that you have 'moved on'.  Not the case at all, it's not moving on,  it is learning to cope.

Helen - I think it is about time you went back to work madam, you might forget how to do it otherwise!!!  I LOVE the fact that Sue's 'be afraid' post is now in google.  How cool is she!  Patricia, I hope that your daughter gets home soon hun.  To everyone else, loads of love and warmth.

Judi xxx 

Rosemary and Lesley you certainly echo all the feelings and thoughts we all battle with. Wanting to feel better but then not wanting to forget, still loving and missing them but needing to cope and carry on. As has been said our loved ones wanted us to be happy and carry on, I know Paul did he told me often enough before he died which I appreciate so much now. He even went on to tell me to meet someone else which of course I couldn`t listen to when he said it but bless him he insisted I listen. Such a brave man xxx

Judi I am back tomorrow, don`t panic I wont forget. Like riding a bike lol

Hope everyone has an ok week in this weather

Helen xx

HAVE A GOOD WEEK, MY FRIENDS.

SUE XX

Jennifer still not got a flight home. Last I heard they were getting a coach to take a three hour trip to turin airport in the hopes of getting on a plane home.

For some reason I feel very very sad tonight. I have been thinking of this time 30 years ago when I went into labour with Jennifer and Ray and I went to the hospital for the pending delivery.  It was a wonderful experience and we should have been celebrating with her today. It all seems to have gone wrong. Oh well, I guess I just have to deal with it. I appear to have too much water in my body because it is leaking out of my eyes.

Rosemary, Lesley, we will never ever forget our loved ones. That is impossible. We just becoming more accepting of the fact that they are not here in the physical sense. It is so hard but we have to do it to keep ourselves sane.

Rosemary (((((hugs)))))) for getting through this very tough first year.  Well done

Thanks for the link Sue.

Take care everyone. Don't work too hard.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Evening to you all,

Just catching up with all the post, we all seem to be feeling the same just now. Well i got Darren off to Aus yesterday there was a few tears i think Kim was the worst, so just waiting to hear he has arrived ok, should be anytime now. The house is very quiet tonight will have to get use to being on my own again. Lesley i know what you mean about being happy about your first grandchild but as you say there is someone missing so makes it a bit sad aswell. Charlie had the cold so Kim has had him at nhs 24 tonight but not on his chest just choked up, just another worry. Lynne hope your dad gets on ok at home i know what it is like my dad is just the same and he would have me and my sister there all the time if he could but just impossible, i stayed with him last night. Well the weather no better here and talking about more snow tomorrow no joke now. I have not had my car out for over a week now. My brother in law came in today and started it for me as it is not in a garage and also my cold water was frozen coming into the house yesterday so he was checking for me to thank god for him and my sister. Got my laptop all set up with skye so hopefully see Darren soon, just can't get it into my head  i will not see him for a year how will i survive. Well i am off to make a coffee now and wait and see if i here from Darren Speak soon. Luv and hugs to you all. Fiona xxxxxxxxxx  

Morning all.  I didn't get on yesterday as I spent a lot of the daylight hours clearing snow and taking down my outdoor Christmas lights which were still up (not lit though!).  My internet connection was too slow to post - it kept timing out - but looks like it is okay today.  I should be getting ready for work and haven't had a chance to read the posts and catch up.  Hope everyone is okay.  I just wanted to send you lots of ((((((bug higs)))))) Fiona.  I hope you have heard from Darren now.  The year will go surprisingly fast once you start getting news of the things he is getting to do while he is there.  I hope Charlie isn't too bad with his cold.  Love to everyone.  Ailsa xxx