My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

No sign of baby yet Ailsa! Am starting to feel quite low, think it is because Christmas is here now and every programme on TV is tinsel and merriment. I am sitting here alone having a pity party for one :-(

The forecast is for more snow overnight, up to 10cm, I am worried incase Rachel and Dave won't be able to stay over tomorrow, they have not far to come but I can't expect Rachel to walk round here in her condition. As it is the only night I have company over Christmas I am really looking forward to it, can't bear the thought of being alone and there is not room at their house for me to stay there.

Colin and I always had a lovely supper on Christmas eve, Lobster salad and pink champagne.

Am feeling really fed up. x

Oh Ailsa, sorry Becky can't make it earlier for you, little things become so much at the moment don't they?  Still having fun with the mobile signal, but it was nice to be in touch and at least when I get home I know you can reach me whenever you need - I even have my phone on overnight often as Daniel texts me to let me know he's home safe when he works nights.  That goes for you too Lynne and anyone else who would like to pm me their number, although mobile phones can be a pain they are also saviours too, a lot of people learnt about texting when Sam was in hospital and mine was a lifeline when I was staying up in London with her.

Lesley big hug and hoping that Rachel and Dave can be with you safely, I know we will all be thinking of each other but it can still feel very lonely at times can't it?  I thought being away might make it easier, not being around everything that has memories of Steve, but I still keep thinking of what he would be doing here and what he would think of things.  Samantha and Daniel are so lovely and gave me a lovely card and wrote in it emotional stuff, I have to admit wrapping their presents before we left had me sobbing I just feel I've let them down this year Steve always ended up spoiling them rotten at Christmas and I just couldn't get my head round much this year (last year was bad enough).

It's been heavy showers today interspersed with huge hail storms, enough to make it look like snow outside, then more rain so it was a wet play day and the dogs were fed up, but they hate the cold and wet so wouldn't have liked to go out even if we had taken them.  On the whole though we haven't got the ice and snow that is causing everyone else so much problem, so stay safe all and keep going, only another couple of days and we're through to the otherside.  Next it will be New Year's Eve, I've never liked that - will have to try an MSN link or something and we can have an online party!

Toodles for now dear penguins, have to hand the laptop back in a minute, this sharing business is a pain.  Take care all hug bigs, bug higs and the odd huge hug too xxxxxxxxx

Hi.  Well I am in the same lonesome boat as you tonight Lesley.  This is getting difficult isn't it?  I thought that if I did things a little different to how I would have done them when Chris was here I would get by but to be honest all I seem to do is remember - just like you are doing - what Chris and I would have been doing.  Chris was a bit of a workaholic so I would have spent tonight and tomorrow night getting everything done and nice for him coming home.  Then we could relax together, have something to eat, maybe a takeaway he had picked up on the way home,  a small drink and then snuggle up in bed to watch TV.  I don't know what to say to you to make you feel any better other than I am here and I really know how you feel.  I don't want to be on my own but I don't really want anyone else here either.  Tomorrow evening the kids and I are going to Chris's brothers for something to eat.  We will probably stay until about 10 so I can't keep you company on here I'm afraid.  I will keep everything crossed that Rachel is able to come round to yours for the evening and as soon as I get home I will check in to see how you are.  There will be other penguins from our huddle on here anyway so you will not be on your own.

Rosemary if I am honest I am dreading New Year far more than Christmas.  Christmas is an excuse for me to have all my family nearby but they are doing their own thing for New Year and I can't blame them.  Chris always had a gig on New Years Eve until these last 2 when he was ill.  So we have always been to a party in a club or pub for New Year.  Always got home in the wee small hours after a great time.  This year my mum & dad and sister and brother in law are coming to mine - just does not compare.  It will also make coming on here very difficult while I have company.  Still, where there is a will there's a way.  Will you still be at the cottage for New Year?

Sorry if I sound a bit down - I don't mean to - blame it on my cold.  Ailsa xx

Wow so much to catch up on , cant we chat lol . Thank you to the ladies that have sent me texts today , i love it like Esme says most of us have got our phones with us all the time , anybody whose number i haven't got and wants to give it to me , i've got space for a few more contacts , you can never have enough friends .xx Sue glad you enjoyed your night out and thank you for the offer of help with me being stuck tommorow i've sorted it now but i'll admit to having a "stress attack " earlier . i took my car into the garage to have a belt tightened as it was squealing and afetr the battery went flat the other day i phoned the garage and they told me to take it in for a 5 min job , yes right ... The mechanic came after about 20 mins and told me that is was a longer job as they needed to drill a bolt so would have to fetch it back tommorow . I said i'd be struggleing as i was at work , he said well we're open till 2 , big help when i dont finish till 3 if i'm lucky . I then realised i couldn't even get to work , i then though how the hell am i going to get home now aghhhh the boot was full of xmas presents i was taking to the kids . I phoned my son and he came to pick me up with 4 bin bags of presents (not all from me ) i was really stressing by the time he got to me but he calmed me down and said we'd work it out , which we have now . My crew mate is picking me up in the morning and my son and his wife will fetch the car back , but why is it that the littlest things can almost tip you off the end of the ledge . i wont go , i'm hanging on to you all , Ailsa big big hug xxxxx

I need to re read , ive lost it xx be back soon xxxxxxxxxx

Me too Lynne - I am worrying about Becky now.

Need to calm down, take some anti-cold stuff and get an early night I think then it will all seem so much better in the morning - it usually does.

Same goes for me by the way, with the mobile - it is always on xxx

Well i,ve got to throw the towel in tonight , really shattered , its a busy time at work , obviously everybody wants to go home from hospital , expecting another busy one tommorow so i'll sat good night to youy all . Ihope you all have a peacefull night and all our families get where they need to be tommorow . Thank you ladies (and gent) for everything xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Ladies,

Well it is nearly upon us and hopefully the anticipation is worse than the main event.  I just need to do some housework tomorrow before my family arrive.  Its -9.5c here tonight so very cold so think I will go and heat up my penguin and snuggle in bed with it.

Thinking of you all.

Gayle xx

Hello all

Lesley - lobster and pink champagne - now there is a lady with class.  I throw down the gauntlet to you all to top that one.  I hope Rachel and Dave manage to come round, but if not then I will be on here tomorrow night, cos as long as Boy manages to get here I will be making sure that he goes out with his friends if they are all home.  So, as I haven't wrapped presents yet you can come online and I will ask you which colour paper for each present and if you think I should put bows and baubles on them.  You can decide who gets the 'classy wrapping' ( I normally do that if the present is possibly not as exciting as it should be) and who gets the seven miles of sellotapte and the cheap paper that always rips!

Rosemary - are you telling me that those two gorgeous mutts of yours are also woossies when it comes to bad weather!  I thought I had the only one. Ailsa - oh yes that "I don't want to be on my own, but don't want anyone here either" scenario - makes perfect sense to me hun.  Last year I became quite paranoid about the 31st because I couldn't bear the thought of anyone saying "Happy New Year". Two friends were going to be coming round but I cancelled them ....... but they turned up anyway and we sat in the breakfast room (yes I know that sounds pretentious and it really is just a wide corridor to the kitchen with a table in it but that is what Ed and I called it!) and we just chatted away and didn't even notice 12 o'clock coming, so it was ok.  But my mum had had the good sense to tell family not to phone at 12.

Lynne, see the garage did their worst and you still overcame!  Four bin bags of presents .... would you consider adopting me (yes I know I am too old) I would be no problem honestly, and I would check for possible mishaps that befall you .......... on the other hand that would be a full time job! lol.

I hope that everyone is safely where they are supposed to be and wish a clear and starry night at 7pm on Christmas night when candles will be sent skywards filled with love and warmth and thoughts for each and every one of those much loved people who enriched our lives, made us laugh, made us cry, at times made us mad but mostly made us what we are.  And as I happen to know that we are all very special they did a damn fine job, didn't they.

Judi xxxx

Morning all , what can i say its flipping here the start of the time we'd all been dreading , wish i had your penguin Gayle xx Judi ha ha i would love to adopt you but the presenta wasn' all what i'd bought , i'd picked some up from dads too , what a day to have everthing on me , oh well hopefully my son will get my car back later , my crew mate is picking me up and dropping me off , so actually when you look at it i've got people running about after me for a change lol . I might not get on till a lot later , my friend wants to go for a little drink when i've finished work but she doesn't want to be out late as she has young children so i will probably be on tonight full of  alcohol lol . I wish you all the best of days ,i wish everybody safety on the roads , iwish all my patients to get home for christmas and i wish all you lovely people peace xxxxxxxx I hope our loved ones are watching down and our proud of us for getting up in the morning and "just getting on " the best we can .

Take care all

Speak later

Lynne xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Morning everyone well like you say it is nearly here whether we want it or not!! Hope everyone receives their visitors and gets to where they need to be. My house has been lovely and full, we were all feeling sorry for ourselves yesterday after a fantastic night for Liam`s 18th but raring to go again today.

Feel a bit guilty that I haven`t gone overboard on pressies this year but everyone has got what they asked for. Going to meet Paul`s mum and dad soon to put a xmas wreath at his `special place`, should look nice in the snow!! They`ve bought him a pot of xmas flowers.

Not sure if I`ll get on again today so BUG HIGS xxx to all you lovely ladies and Dave xx We`ll do it tomorrow and make our loved ones proud and can`t wait until 7pm!!! Light the skies up.

Take care everyone, Merry Christmas everyone with lots of love from me

Helen xxx