My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello everyone.  So glad you are back Lynne.  What can I say about Karen & the phone Lynne - apart from did we really expect anything else from you or your sister!!?? lol!

I hope everyone is having a decent weekend even though the weather is shocking.  I have Becky & Declan for company now and apart from that I will mostly be trying to fifnish the never ending sitting room!!

I have put some photos on facebook of Chris's headstone and kerb.  The lads did it today and it looks lovely.  I've been twice already and taken some flowers.  Tomorrow I am taking a lantern so that I can light a candle whenever I visit.  I am so glad that we have a stone mason as a family friend because it has been lovely for Stu to be able to help fit the kerb & headstone today - he felt really proud of doing this thing for his Dad.  The vase that Ryan made as a gift for Chris looks lovely in the centre, with the words from each of the kids.  They each chose words from songs in the end.  I will be able to sit on the bench and glance across to Chris.  It feels complete.

Take care everyone.  I hope you are all okay.  have a nice evening.  Ailsa xx

   Go, girl - love your idea of Christmas shopping!

Let's face it, by 8 o'clock you won't know whether your feet are killing you or not!!!!

i was feeling just the same about Christmas shopping, Helen, but once I'd made a start it wasn't too bad. There's always the internet; don't know where I'd be without Next.co.uk!!! (Richer, perhaps???)

Enjoy tonight.

sue xx

Have a great night Helen.  Sounds like the best kind of Christmas shopping to me.  I'm sure you will look great in your heals.  I can't get my head round Christmas shopping either but have promised to try harder next week.  I might manage better once I have put my tree up next weekend.

Glad to hear the good news from the Halifax Lynne - enjoy the chocs.  Abbey are still dragging their heels for me but I will try again next week.

Hi Sue - might even try your idea and internet Christmas shop.  Ailsa xxx 

Dear ailsa,

have just looked at your pics on fb and they are beautiful - the headstone and kerb look stunning.

I've been to Alan's special place today and taken a solar powered lantern; it has  a spike on it to secure it to the ground, and I'm really pleased with it. i also have some sky candles to send off at Christmas, and the grandcchildren can send a message to Grandad.

Onwards and upwards, my friend.

Sue xx

Sue, that pic isn`t a million miles away from my shoes!! Like you say after a few drinks I won`t care lol!!!

Ailsa like Sue said it is absolutely stunning, not seen such a lovely kerb and vase. Your son should be proud xx

We`re all getting there, slowly but surely. Group hig everyone ((((())))))

Helen xxx

Ailsa the kerb and head stone are lovely , how neat and tidy everything looks . Gordons place is a bit like a mud bath but think i've only got meself to blame for that , its all the pacing round it .. I cant wait for his head stone  to go up , still no word . Have a good night Helen 6.30 wow you are going for it , hope the shoes hold out lol , but you have done what i've been doing these last few sats , go xmas shopping come back with clothes or shoes , bags or boots , oh well how many shopping days left ? Sue thank you for the comments on pics and video , i couldn't resist putting the video on , all she is saying to the singer is  " i'm so drunk ", he said dont worry we are too . They we're lovely She doesn't know i come on here tho , she knows i talk to a good bunch of women who have lost there husbands (or wifes in Daves case) but she doesn't know its this site , she thinks its through face book , i like this all to my self lol xx. Judi your theory on grief was spot on , it made me cry tho , but thats nothing new .. I'm off out with the big boss tonight , he's up from birmingham with a open wallet so it would be rude not to go , got all the kids for lunch tommorow so better not go to mad lol .

Hi to everyone else , love the group hug xxxxxxx might get on again before i go out , hope everyone is ok . xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ailsa what a beautiful memorial, I love the words and the whole thing is really classy, the bench too makes it very special indeed.  Glad it is all done for you and all the family feel part of it. 

Sorry I've been a bit absent recenlty, so much going on and I think I'm having a bit of a close down.  Like many of you I'm a bit wobbly on the Christmas front, I've started doing the shopping and I don't mind getting presents for everybody, the cards I had printed but must get round to addressing (and writing the odd note to go with some).  Last Christmas we had had such hopes which were dashed only weeks before when Steve came home from hospital to "get his affairs in order" with only "weeks maybe months" left to him.  It was three days before Christmas that he had been downstairs for a while and very nearly couldn't get back up the stairs, he didn't come down again, he couldn't bare the thought of Daniel having to carry him up there.  Christmas Eve I can't really remember and Christmas day he was in bed all day, it was all just awful and how we got through I don't know.  But this year we are going to Cornwall, we will still have Christmas and we still have to speak to the families of course, but it will be just the three of us and the dogs and we will be away from everything we have always known for Christmas and then maybe next year we can start fresh and make it something different, but Christmas again.

When I was down about my birthday last week my sister told me I should stop living in the past, well I don't see this as such because the past is so much part of everything I feel right now (I didn't hit her, thankfully she was talking online), she knows what we went through and when she and mum came over on Christmas Eve she couldn't even bear to go up and see Steve, that was fine I know she didn't want to remember him how he had become, but really she has no idea how insensitve that was. 

Sorry to go on, I don't want to bring everyone down and I am getting along better now, as said by others the bearable, coping times get longer, the happiness creeps in in various places and ways but then the grief hits hard again, although it;s always there deep inside like a piece of grit inside and oyster shell, maybe the memories we keep are the pearl that is made.  However much better it is though and however well I do, I long with all my being to have one more hug, all I want for Christmas.

Ohhhh I must stop!  I will leave you all with a big hug from me - love the group hug up top - lots of love and I will come back more cheerful soon.  xxxxxxxx

Hi everyone.  Becky, Declan & Suzanne are downstairs playing rockband (beatles) on the wii.  It is lovely having them here.  Going to stop for x factor now.  Sue - your solar light sounds lovely - what is a sky candle?  Thanks for the group hug.

I need to confess to the wrong sort of Christmas shopping today - no presents just a lovely red coat for me!  I will get pressies next week I promise.

Have a lovely night out with the big boss tonight Lynne.  If he's got his card out enjoy it.  I will check before I go to bed to make sure you are home safe!  There is a lot of mud round Chris's grave as well but I can't believe it isn't worse after 3 lads have ben working round it today.  Chris's brother has been on the phone to say how he likes the headstone & kerb.  He says he will be visiting the cemmy a lot more than perhaps he did after his dad died.  I know he is really struggling with his kid brother dying.

Esme I am sorry your sister said such an insensitive thing around your birthday.  Christmas is going to be hard for us all but we will all be there for each other.  Last Christmas we still thought Chris was going to beat this thing.  I was getting reaaly mad and frustrated with the doctors because Chris constantly had infections and I didn't think they were doing enough to help him.

I have designed a Christmas card for this year that I can edit and print for everyone to save me writing my name without Chris's.  I will print address labels as well than I don't have to write anything just sprinkle glitter!!  I like you likening what we feel to an oyster and our memories as pearls.  Lots of (((higs))) Rosemary.

I am being kicked off this PC for my grandson to get on - don't mind when it is for that little star.  Have a good evening everyone.  Ailsa xx

Dear ailsa,

this is actually a sky lantern; sky candles are a bit smaller.  We shall write a message to Grandad, light the fuel cell, and we should be able to see the candle fly for miles in the   Christmas sky.

sue xx