My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa
Night night Granny, so glad that you are getting to spend these first few days with Charlie - and I will bet that Kim is even more glad that you are there!
Well, have to say bye bye to Boy tomorrow, it has been lovely having him home and the fridge is almost empty so it must be time! LOL. Seriously, I have loved listening to him tell me about how much he is enjoying his course and how glad he is that he took what I believe to be a brave decision and changed his course two years ago. (He was studying auronautical engineering and now is doing sound engineering - goes SO much better with his tattoos I think!)
Minor blow today in that I had applied for a job online and today heard from the company saying that there had been a mistake and actually the closing date was the previous Friday and no one had taken the position off the website. They said that they had been impressed with my cv (welll they would say that wouldn't they!!) but they have actually already offered the job to someone else. bummer. Do you think that someone is trying to tell me something ...... every time I get off my bum (which is still spreading at an alarming rate!) and motivate myself it don't happen!! Won't stop trying though.
Love to you - hope an ok day had by all.
Judi xx
Judi, please don't despair. Something will turn up soon. It is just not your turn yet. The right job will become available eventually. Keep on trying.
Sorry Boy is having to return to his studies. You will miss him. Glad you have enjoyed his visit though.
Fiona it seems you are enjoying being a granny. How lovely for you.
I do hope that everyone else has had a reasonable day.
Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x
hello everyone. hope you are all ok. have been struggling a bit for the last few days, haven't felt up to posting but i have been reading...
the dog came home yesterday and i was hoping that having her here might help me to sleep but it hasn't worked so far! early days yet though...
Helen, what a week it's been for you... well done on making in through. Gayle, glad you are enjoying being back online! Ailsa, hope your weekend with Becky helps you both feel a little better. Judi - what a disappointment about the job! nice feedback though... Fiona it sounds like you are enjoying your new role as Grandma, how lovely for you. hope everyone else is having an ok time of things.
thanks for all your well-wishes about my trip to the hospital - my blood count has risen a bit so I am officially out of the dangerzone for now. i know i should feel more pleased about it but all i can say is at least Hayley hasn't got to cope with me going through treatment again - the poor thing has been through enough already... I felt guilty that i am having a remission yet Miles didn't. silly i know, he was worrying about me right up to the end, but logical thought is out the window at the moment!
Wish it was a bit lighter, I would get up and take the dog for a walk. oh well, back to tossing and turning for a bit longer...
take care all. manda xx
Morning all - Hope you all have something good planned for the weekend?? I'm looking forward to 'time out' with friends and am going to Manchester to see a matinee performance of White Christmas tomorrow. Not often I get the chance to go to the theatre these days!!!!!! Judi - that seems a bit mean about the job - but as already said the right job is there and waiting for you to find it!! You will know when it appears...........Fiona - happy grannie-hood to you - and happy 1 week birthday to little Charlie. Each milestone will be marked by all......and I'm sure he will soon develop little quirky traits of his own........... Manda - so pleased that your blood results were better - please don't feel guilty about remission....you still have things to do - being there and supporting Hayley for one thing!!!!! I've not long been back in my house after taking a stroll around the park with my Ellie-dog. I love early mornings - it's so peaceful - not even the birds are coughing/spluttering/warming up the vocal chords!!!!! And this morning was really cold and crisp - lots of leaves to rustle through!!! Stay in touch with the child within!!!!!!!!!! Ailsa - I do so hope that you have a good time with Becky this weekend - make every minute count.............I hope she feels that she can open up and talk with you..............there may be tears (?) and lots of hugging for you both!!! Patricia - what to say to you? Not sure - but I would guess that you are 'coping' as best you can - always here encouraging others.....stay positive.......I know I haven't mentioned Lynne and others that call in here - but you are all in my thoughts......Love and ((((((((((((bug higs)))))))))))))) to you all Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Manda, I have missed something along the way I am so sorry. I didn't realise you were having treatment too. Glad to hear your bloods are better at the momnent.
Dot, I am ok I just have a few wobbles now and then. Some days are better than others but then everyone in this world has times like that don't they?
Ailsa, I do hope that youre daughter is talking through how she feels now. it is such a worry when our kids are hurting and we can't take the hurt away.
I hope that everyone has a reasonable weekend. It is going to be a cold one according to the weather forecast.
I am working tonight (well someone has to).
Be good everyone or is that too much to ask?lol
Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x
Hi everyone. Seems there has been a big problem getting on here tonight but I am so glad to be on before I go to bed. All plans for early nights through the week failed miserably so I am shattered tonight. Becky will be here by lunchtime tomorrow so I want an early start. Stu is going to help to put Chris's headstone and curb in place tomorrow. I am banned from visiting the cemmy tomorrow until Ryan is happy everything is as it should be. I will get flowers tomorrow ready to take on Sunday. Becky wants to go on her own again on Monday before she goes home.
Manda I am so pleased to hear the good news about your bloods and please don't feel bad about remission. You have work to do with your lovely daughter and that is why things are as they are.
Good luck with work tonight Patricia. I am still plodding on with my sitting room - has anyone ever taken so long to do one room? Ryan was round tonight before he does the headstone tomorrow and said the room looked so much brighter so maybe it will be worth all the ahrd work. Stu and I did a bit more on the fire surround - nearly done now. I am collecting the carpet shampooer for the weekend tomorrow.
Glad to hear you are so busy Granny Fiona - just as it should be.
Lots of love to everyone else but I am off to bed now xxx
Evening Sue, thank crunchie it`s Friday!!
Ailsa hope your weekend goes ok with your daughter xxx
Lynne welcome home, sorry about the weather xx
Patricia we don`t want to be good!!!! No fun lol!!!
Gayle I agree with Ailsa if March is better for everyone that`s ok with me
Natalie`s away in Edinburgh this weekend and Laim`s working. I`m out for a meal with friends tomorrow night.
I went to the gym earlier for a review, quite pleased with myself!! Lost some weight and cms!!! Not quite inches but it`s a start!!! Fitness test improved too!! Haven`t tried very hard lately so quite keen to carry on now.
Hi to everyone else, have a good weekend
Helen xxx
Hi to everyone i've not spoke to on face book , i was really looking forward to catching up on all the posts last night and couldn't get on , i notice this morning that Helen and Ailsa managed it , but i was already tucked up in bed (shattered ). The holiday was fantastic , the weather was far hotter than i thought it would be , the only thing was the pool was colder so we didn't veture in to that . The only mishap was when a drunken sis dropped her phone down the loo (the phone she bought to replace the stolen one ) she was gutted, but up to now its still working , dont know how but, just have to see how it goes . The weather here has been really bad hasn't it ? . I 'll have a good read at all the posts i've missed now , i have missed you all xxx . I got a phone call from the Halifax whilst i was away to say that they had listened to the last conversatio i'd had with them and they we're mortified about what had been said ,, the thing is , she said all the information was there for the lad on the phone to see , i said to her did you hear me pleading with him to look for the death certificate , she said "yes i was pleading with you as i was listening to it " . She said both him and his team leader are in trouble (i didn't really want that ) but dont want no one to go through the crap i had too, any way they have refunded all the insurance money i paid from july (not sure if they would have done that anyway ) and a big box came this morning with about 10 different boxes of thorntons chocks , great just when i'm trying to lose weight lol , so its back to mine for a feast then . Anyway just waiting for the kids to call , hope fully they will eat some chocks .
Speak later and i'll catch up on the posts xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Lynne
Welcome back xx Good news about Halifax at last!!!! Pass the choccies round!! Have a good night tonight xx
I went xmas shopping this affy and ended up treating myself!! Can`t get my head round buying presents. I`ve bought some heels for tonight but don`t really `do` heels so been doing the housework in them to try and get used to them lol! Meeting at 6.30 so early start!! Could be messy!! hee hee xx
Natalie has just text from Edinburgh, she`s just had a deep fried mars bar. She said it was heaven!!
How`s everyone else`s weekend going?
Bug higs
Helen xxx
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