My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Good luck amanda hope everything goes ok for you

Love ans angel hugs x x Patricia x x

Really off to bed this time, just wanted to say that Amanda you are doing so well, it is such early days hun for you and Hayley.  Special love wafting your way for tomorrow and fingers crossed.

Patricia hun, obviously I didn't know that Christmas Eve held such significance.  There is absolutely nothing I can say that can take those horrible memories away, let the tears out darling and I am passing you a cyber hankie and warm embrace.  So difficult to even contemplate the idea of 'celebrating' Christmas - but I know that you will be there for your family, as they are for you and together, somehow, you will manage through. Remember - one day at a time, at your own pace.

Judi xxx

Morning all - just thought I'd drop by and wish you all well.......and leave you all lots of (((((((((((((((((bug higs))))))))))))))  Dot xxxxxxxxxxx

Hello everyone,

So nice to be back online again.  We are having really bad weather here like everyone else I suppose and I need to go out and get the boys soon and so not looking forward to it lol!

Amanda, good luck tomorrow - we will keep everything crossed.

Fiona, babies are so gorgeous and I am sure you are a very proud granny!  Is Kim recovering quite well from the labour? 

Patricia - I know what you mean about Christmas.  Wully was in hospital this time last year with a bowel obstruction (caused by scar tissue from ops not cancer) and it was awful.  He loved Christmas and we always went for the tree together and he always wrapped all the presents and I had to do it all myself - probably to start getting me ready for this year.  He finally got home thankfully on Christmas Eve.  I did visit Santa a few days before that (not on my own lol!!!) and he did ask me what I wanted and I said I wanted my husband home for Christmas so I think he maybe waved his magic wand.  Think I would ask for the impossible this year though.

Helen - thinking of you today and hope you are holding up.  What an emotional time you have had lately.

Ailsa, Lynne, Sue, Dottee, Judi and everyone else - hugs from me.

I noticed a couple of people can't make end of February so we could push it into March if that suited?  Let me know what you all think.

Away to cuddle my internet wonderful laptop :-)

Gayle xx

Hi all

Just back from work and as I suspected there is a sleeping Boy on the settee!

This is my theory.

Initially this grief enveloped every single fibre, muscle and ounce of me. It was all encompassing and total.  Over the first few months it seemed to get even stronger until I thought it would overwhelm me.  Then occasionally there were glimpses of a smile that would pass my lips and momentary times where I felt happy, only to have the reality crash down again.  Slowly the frequency of smiling and even laughter increased, but always with that feeling of emptiness being there. 

I know that before Ed was taken I was known as a happy person, I always woke up happy and it took something fairly drastic to change that.  After Ed died it was the opposite.  I woke up ..... full stop .... but eventually I started waking up ..... and something would happen to make me happy, even if just for a minute.  These days happiness is allowed in more readily and I am grateful for that.

What I am trying, not very well, to say is that I think grief initially fills your body completely, leaving no space for anything else. Then gradually there is the same amount of grief but there are now spaces that life can enter, so therefore it must be getting more concentrated.  This continues until there is ball of very, very concentrated grief inside.   This means that there is 'non'grief' space inside to carry on with life.  And that is how it goes on.  You start to manage to accept that you have to 'carry on' and you can, even enjoying whole days at a time .... it is just that if something happens to to touch the 'grief ball', it is so intense and instant it almost takes your breath away.  But it will go back deep inside again, so you can pick yourself up until the next time.   So I think it is a bit like Marmite, you don't have it all the time but when you do it is very, very strong.  

I hope you don't think I am being flippant.  It is just that I find that I am able to have days in a row now where I can almost see the 'old me' again.  Then when something; a song, an e-mail, a person, a picture brings it back - it is crushing .... but I now know I can and will pick myself up.  I think this is progress.

Judi xx

Afternoon all xx

Been to say goodbye to my friend`s Dad. It was a lovely service, emotional and hard but nice xxx They were hugging me and asking how I was amidst their grief!! All supporting each other I suppose. We also had a toast to say Happy Birthdyay to Paul. I feel absolutely exhausted now(didn`t sleep well last night) but promised Liam and Nat we would go out for tea so off out soon for an `all you can eat chinese buffet`

Judi I think your theory is pretty accurate. I can see how my feelings have changed over the 6 1/2months and you describe it perfectly. I was beginning to see the `old` me but this last week has knocked me back a little bit. Hopefully `she` will emerge again soon. So glad Boy is back with you and taking over your house!!

Amanda I think by your facebook status you got on ok today xxx

Fiona glad you`re enjoying being a Granny.

Hi everyone else, off out soon. Just hope I can stay awake!!

Love to all

Helen xxx

Hello everyone.  I think I have this whole evening to myself and I am actually very grateful for that today for some reason.  I am very tired.  Manic 2 months culminating in even more manic 2 weekends is catching up on me.

Judi - you hit the nail on the head about Becky.  That is the main reason I have encouraged her to come up this weekend.  Fortunately I was always the one of Chris & I permanently on a more even keel.  There was no escaping how annoyed I was at the weekend but I was conscious that Becky was very fragile (she is normally really tough) and I don't want to make things worse.  I am not a 'shouty' person and am know for 'imploding' rather than exploding.  I have seperated the 2 things now and need to help Becky get back to the wonderfully confident person she is.  We will take another step in that direction at the weekend.  I am so glad you have Boy home.  It is lovely to have the kids close - enjoy every minute of it.  I like your theory about grief.  I think I am at a stage where there are moments when I forget but then a moment later it pops backs in my head with a vengance almost as if I have to pay double for taking a moment off.  I think that sounds like the marmite you talk about.  I hope you are able to make the get together but if it clashes with Boy's 21st there is not decision to make.

However if Gayle is right? perhaps it is worth moving the get together into March if more people could make it then.  I certainly could.  I haven't made any plans past January next year so far so if it is more convenient for everyone else I am happy to move it into March.

Patricia - I just want to send you lots of ((((bug higs))))xx.

Manda how are you today - how did the hospital visit go - I thought I saw on facebook that things were looking okay - I do hope so, you deserve a break.

I hope you are okay as well Helen.  What a day you must have had.  Lots of love x.

How is everyone else tonight - Sue, busy granny Fiona, Tarnie, Dot, Lynne in the sun?  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xx

Just wanted to check on Esme, Dave & Yvonne as well before I have my early night - hope you are all okay.  Ailsa xx

Morning all - not a lot to say...so sending love and lots of (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to you all  Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Evening All,  Well i am shattered been and spent the day with Kim and Charlie as Kim's husband had to work as we didn't expect Charlie so soon, it was work he had already booked but i don't mind as let me spend time with them, he is so tiny but doing fine he will be a week old tomorrow. I am back again tomorrow morning then back to work on Sat. I don't mind  when we meet up as nothing planned. Christmas is a thought  , never had a last year and no notion this year again, have not done any shopping yet  . Hope you are all ok tonight. Well granny better go and have her coffee and get off to bed ready for a busy day again tomorrow. Luv and Hugs to you all.  Fiona xxxxxxxxxxxx