My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

FormerMember over 15 years ago

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My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Everyone,

Glad to hear everyones day has been okay. Mine too although I had the health visitor out this morning checking up on us and had to go over it all again. Its physically exhausting and draining but then popped into my work for 5 minutes to say hello and break the ice and it went fine. Not looking forward to spending lots of time there but start back next Monday and will work from home and build up my time spent in the office.

Think the Wii Fit challenge is a great idea Kev. Will need to drag mine out - I used it earlier this year as I did a midnight walk for the hospice but it has been gathering dust since then.

Have a good night everyone.

Gayle x

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Everyone,
Well today not been bad for me either, work busy as our summer sale on. I also dread the dark nights. The wii fit sounds good Kev but is it just another thing i would buy and then it would be put to the side like all the rest. Really need to do something though as my weight creeping up and up.Well goodnight everyone better get off to bed and see how i sleep tonight.
Take Care
Fiona x

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi everyone. Not had a bad day again today. I think this might be the longest I have gone without getting really down since Chris died. I've been okay since Monday. Something to celebrate so I will have a nice rewarding glass of wine when I have done a few jobs. I want to feel positive because I want to have a chance to remember good times with Chris - maybe I will get a chance shortly. I am really anxious to dream about Chris. I am not aware of dreaming about him so far but I have been taking nytol to make me sleep. I haven't taken any since the weekend and I am hoping maybe now I will dream about him soon.

I need to sort my Wii out before I can have a go with my Wii fit. I have a fortnight off work from next Thursday so I will try to sort it out then. Hope your dinner wasn't too burned Kev! Take care everyone. Ailsa xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hello everyone, Ailsa my dinner was ok ta, I still think Di is in the kitchen. Dream's, I have only had one about Di since she died and would love to have more, I've also only had one about my mum. Is everyone else ok tonight?

kev xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Folks,

Had an okayish day too also. Busy cleaning - my house is sparkling! I have two estate agents coming tomorrow to value it and sell their services. I have been feeling generally okay too Ailsa which worries me as I keep waiting for a big avalanche of emotion.

Had to take my husbands car to the garage for its MOT today. It was okay but they recommended a new tyre but the guy said I should check with my husband what he wanted to do when I got home. I felt a bit strange and of course said my husband died. He looked really awkward poor guy! Never mind - sure I will have lots more of these conversations. I also got a new book from the merry widow website and it seems quite good so will start that tonight.

One thing that has been bothering me lately is that my husbands oncologist and pallative consultant haven't even sent a letter saying they are sorry to hear Wully is gone. The GP came and saw me after a couple of weeks but I would have thought the consultant would have at least got his secretary to send a letter. My husband saw him for 4 years through lots of troubles. Did anyone else get letters or anything from their partners consultants?

Have a good night everyone.

Gayle x

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Gayle, nothing from Di's onc, but I got a sorry letter from the trial nurse ( Di was on a trial and they gave her her chemo a lot quicker than normal to see if it made a difference, it didn't). I went to see Di's onc 2 weeks after she died to ask what went wrong, he quite bluntly said " you are either lucky or unlucky with cancer, he said Di was unlucky", it was almost like he wanted to say "next".

Kev xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Everyone,
My day not been to bad, just had a freind in tonight so we have had a good chat. I have only dreamt once about Derek and it was just on Sat night but it was one when he was in the hospital and i had to phone and see if he could get home so alas it was not a good one.
Gayle i got two letters one from the doctor that looked after Derek when he went in to the hospice and one from the nurse who looked after Derek when he went for his chemo but none from the oncologist but i thought she was very straight to the point and i didn't take to her. Hope all goes well with your house tomorrow. Where did you say you were hoping to move to?
Kev you will be kept busy now with your son on holiday. Well i am off tomorrow so have to do some work in the house before going to see my dad. My daughter has her big scan tomorrow so hope all ok with baby.

Take Care Everyone
Fiona xxxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Evening everyone

I have had an amazingly ok week so far, very strange really but Paul would be pleased!!! Just been out with friends tonight for a couple of drinks tonight, we had a laugh which was nice. Like you say Ailsa waiting for the bubble to burst but there`s still the weekend!!

Got a couple of books out of the library tonight on loss and grief. Even managed to have a laugh about them with friend and daughter as they aren`t due back until after our hols, good beach reading eh??? Friend said there will be a big space round me on the beach while I read them lol xxx

Anyway better go to bed, got party at school tomorrow for our little leavers going to `big school`

Night everyone

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Gayle

No not had letters from consultants, had letters and phone calls from palliative nurse and phone call from gp. Also had card from hospice where Paul went. Suppose we`re just a number to consultants ????

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

I think it is terrible that none of us even got a standard letter. It wouldn't be too much to have their secretary send out a letter. We had, had some issues with the consultants lack of help for a while but he had know Willie for years! Never mind - being angry about it will not help or change anything. The hospice have been fantastic and they told me they get in touch with me 6 weeks after he died to see how I am etc and they also send cards every year on the anniversary of your loved ones death. Kev - how awful for Di's consultant not to give you any comfort. I suppose we are just numbers to them.

Estate agent visit went okay but felt a bit tearful a couple of times. He thinks I will get about £10k more that I thought so that was a bonus. Just have to deal with viewers soon though which won't be good. Might get my sister to do it! Fiona - we are moving to Ayrshire and their are loads of house for sale down there. I think I will take a wee drive down on Sunday and have a look again. My 4 year old wants to see some of the houses so will drive past and show him them. He is all excited about moving as he will live near gran and granda who live 1.5hrs away at the moment.

My husband and I had two cars but both were in his name. So one of them, they are coming to take away today. It was the one I drove but I am still not looking forward to it. I suppose it has to be done but it is just so hard. They said they would be here at 12 and still aren't here. I wish they would hurry up as I just want it over and done with.

Hope everyones day is okay.

Gayle x

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My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?