My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello again everyone.  Physio went well and I am definately making progress.  No painkillers anymore and I am not in so much pain after doing something strenuous.  The acupunture seems to be having some effect as well.

Hello Sadanna.  I am very glad you found our little bunch here.  I am so sorry though that you find yourself in this position.  You must be very shocked right now as everything has happened so fast for you.  Please don't think you have 'gone on'.  This is a place you can 'go on' as much as you need to.  It is too soon to be thinking about going back to work.  Although quite a few of us here have found work to be a benefit we didn't go back until we felt the time was right.  Take as much time as you need.  A few of us seemed to go back after a month or so but you have had so little time to even understand your husband's illness never mind anything else.  Take each day as it comes.  Do you have some family or close friend to help you?  I hope we hear from you again soon.

Timmy - thank you for joining us and posting.  Watch out for your mum but take great care of yourself and your brothers as well.

Lynne - I will make sure there are photos of the bench once they are done.  The headstone and kerb ar going on on the 14th & 15th November weather permitting.  I am glad you were able to enjoy your grandsons birthday is a more sedate way!

Helen, your friends sound wonderful.  What an amazing plan to have a charity night in Paul's memory.  I am sorry today has been such a tough day for you.  I hope tomorrow is a better day.

What a day you have had with the cats Gayle!  Don't blame yourself.  You were trying to do all the right things at the time.  A semi-feral cat will be very capable of looking after itself and I am up there with Lynne believing there is still a very strong chance he will find his way home before you move.

It sounds like the bereavement group meeting has left you a bit numb Patricia.  Just watch out for the feelings coming back and look after yourself.

Sue, didn't you win the quiz last week?  Here's to you winning again this week.

Right - I'm off to bed.  xx

Hi guys

Sadanna, hi from me too.  You need the biggest hug going.  As all of the others have said, don't expect too much from yourself for a long time yet, disbelief and numbness.  One day at your own pace.  I only recently joined this thread and have found great support here, I am sure you will too.  One day at a time, at your own pace.   Timmy, you sound as if you are doing you best for your mum, but must remember that you need support too.  My son has been fantastic to me, so I know that you will be helping her.

It hasn't stopped raining all day, the dogs and I are going a bit stir crazy this evening because no long walk possible.  Sue, I am really sorry, when I borrowed that brain cell I meant to get it back to you sooner!  lol.

Ailsa thanks for accepting on FB, I will go and have a look at any photos etc - anyone else who is on with photos I can look at - let me know who to search for and request.  And good luck for shopping for the wedding outfit, I am glad that you have your sister to go with.  I don't like needles, so accupuncture doesn't sound very nice to me.

Gayle, you poor thing.  I lost a greyhound once for nine days and although everyone assured me they are very capable animals you can't help but worry.  I know it's not really a comfort but it sounds as if he knows his way round the outside world.   All the same, with trying to organise everything that you are, you don't need added stress. 

Patricia, I bet you were shattered after your meeting, I hope that you are finding some comfort or release  (I don't know if that is the right word) from it and gently it can help with small steps.  Hugs to you. 

Lynne you are wonderful, you always manage to put things so well and make me smile, I think you must be a tonic to have around .... and not the type that goes with G!  If the rain comes down from me to you, you will have to get a little gazebo to go over your bench.  I hope you can get your headstone sorted soon, I know that it means so much to you.  I think it must be a little different in Scotland, as the stonemason filled in a form for the Council and I just signed it and it only took a couple of weeks in total.  Once I had settled on the words I just wanted it in place, so I can imagine you are the same.

Helen, what an emotional couple of days you have had, you must be drained.  So lovely to think that all those people recognise how special Paul is and want to do this.  Quite reaffirming for you I would think. 

Love to everyone.  Judi xx

Hi Everyone,

Welcome Sadanna,i am also sorry you  find yourself here, but for me it's a life line as you don't feel so alone and everyone knows what  we going  through. I would not worry about work the now you will know yourself when the time is right. Gayle i hope your cat turns up i would be lost without mine. Judi well done at going looking for a job i hope you are lucky as i find i would go mad if i didn't have my job.Helen charity night sounds good. Lynne glad you enjoyed birthday party, can't wait till Kim has the baby. We are off shopping tomorrow to get the last of the baby things. Ailsa hope you are ok. Had a friend down tonight she is just back from a cruise nice to hear how it all went. Patricia hope you are ok after your bereavement session i don't know if there is anything like it where i live. I hope everyone else is ok tonight. Well better get off to bed and be fresh for my shopping trip.

Luv to All

Fiona xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks everyone

Yes I do have support, my mum lives close by. My son lives in America, he has just gone back. My daughter only lives streets away, she is missing her dad very much, they were so close. I don't want to put on my daughter too much as she is expecting her first baby on Jan' 1st, she mis-carried the last 3, we were both so looking forward to being grandparents. Colin talked of nothing else.

I promised him at the very end, while he was unconsious, under sedation, I would look after our children and the baby, I hope I have the strength to do that. It is so very hard looking at all the baby things we have bought for them, knowing he will never get to see the baby wear them or hold it in hs arms... gutted.

I don't know which I feel most, sad or angry.

Evening all , i think its quiet on here tonight as people are having trouble logging on , i know Fiona is , she's been on face book . Sadanna i'm sure the baby will bring you joy as well as sadness , but the joy will overtake the sadness. Its a cruel world , i sometimes cant work out if i'm mad or sad that my husband , my soul mate and best friend was taken from me . I hate this lonely life but i am not going to waste it , Gordon would be so dissapointed if i did , he had no choice i do .I hope you get more replies , i'm sure you will .. Sorry its short but i'll be back on later , i'venot been in from work long ..

Take care Lynne xxxxx

Hi all

Fiona sent me a message on Facebook, she is having problems logging in.

Judi, I will look for you on facebook.

Lynne that is a great way to look at it that they would be dissapointed if we wasted our lives.Like you I hate the loneliness but will try not to waste my life, Paul would not want me to either. A new way of thinking, thanks Lynne xxx

Sadanna the baby is a lovely thing to look forward to.

Gayle hope you feel better today, sure your cat will be ok but can understand how you feel.

Feel bit better today but full of cold now so another early night!!

Hope everyone else is ok

Helen xxx

Thanks Helen  , i hope i can keep this positivity up but we all know how up and down we can be . xxxxx

Good evening everyone.  I have to agree with Helen Lynne - that is a wonderful way to put it.  Like everyone else posting on here my life feels horribly loney but I have a duty to get on and try to find out how to enjoy it for both Chris & I now.

Sadanna it is lovely that you have a new baby to look forward to.  I know it will be difficult for you and your daughter when you feel your husband should have been there but it will be a wonderful thing when the baby comes.  It sounds like your daughter has had a tough time getting there.  Fiona, who is also posting on here but is having trouble getting on this site tonight, is expecting a grandchild in November.  She has similar feelings to those that you have but is excited as it gets close to time for the little one to be here.

Judi - I seem to have to do the same with my stonemason as you.  I am collecting a form for Chris's older brother to sign tomorrow but then the stonemason will take care of it for me and I don't have to worry about getting the permission back from the council.  Chris's brother is the official 'keeper of the grave' and not me because another of Chris's older brothers and his dad were buried there already.  I met the cemetery supervisor today and I am able to have a bench where I wanted it.  I will be placing the order tomorrow.  I have to get it from a nominated supplier and it isn't cheap as they keep telling me.  The way I look at it, it is going to be there a long time and I am going to sit on it a lot so it is worth it.  It will take a little as 2 weeks to be ready or up to 3 months depending on stock - keep your fingers crossed it is 2 weeks.

Right I am going to click post.  I started this post nearly an hour ago but the phone keeps ringing.  I wander how many messages I have missed!  Take care.  Ailsa xx

Thanks Ailsa , its nice to know i may be helping in some small way xxxItsgreat news about the bench , like you i hope its only a couple of weeks for you , it really does make a difference when you can just sit and relax up there . I have so many people come and talk to me whilst sat , its just a shame the winters is coming , the sun is on the bench from early morning , right up untill dusk so i love it up there (prefer not to have the reason to go ) but since i;m up there before i go to work or afterwards , i may as well be comfortable . Whilst i was away last week i'd asked my daughter and 2 daughter in laws to pop up and check on the flowers sometime and they all turned up at the same time , nothing had been planned as they all work , they said they had a good old chat whilst sat on the bench , i'm sure Gordon would have been listening to every word , he loved a good gossip lol .

Hope everyone else is ok .

Lynne xxxx

Just a quick one from me - mind you how many times I say that and then just go on and on and on!  Helen I got your request thanks hun- and how glamorous is your profile photo!!!!!  Have spent an hour or so looking at everyones photos today - it is so nice to put faces to names.  Lynne I loved your Benidorm ones.

Very warm here today, so two long walks with the dogs.  I was at a friends this afternoon, they are just about to open a small hotel in a few weeks, so a very exciting time for them and it has been good for me too. I have known them for 25 years and the husband, Nick, became Ed's closest friend and then his boss!  Nick's father died unexpectedly exactly a week before Ed so it was a horrendous time for him - father and then best mate.  He and I knew each other before we met our respective other halves and he is like an older brother to me.  I seriously thought he was going to 'go under' for a couple of weeks after Ed died but I believe this hotel has 'saved' him.  They are great at involving me in site visits and asking my opinion about decor etc (as if I would know!) and that has led me to feel quite excited about the opening too.  And before anyone asks, yes he did say that I could work there, but I think I would rather be a friend than employee!!!! 

Right, off to have my supper, may well pop back later if the tv is rubbish.

Love to all

Judi xx