My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi All

Well I did something, this morning I went round the a hotel/restaurant/bar that is around the corner from me and asked to speak to whoever dealt with the staffing.  Most important - I didn't cry once when I was there!  (Yes as I was walking home, but not in there).  I explained that I was ideally looking for some work over the weekends, but could maybe do the occassional evening.  When I think about it, I must have sounded quite odd because I think I made it sound as if I was offereing my (paid) services rather than looking for a job!  I suggested that they could keep me as a kind of back up if someone phoned in sick - and I would appear five minutes later like some kind of waitress superhero!!  I am sure that they will think I am mad.  But you never know - it might work out.  Anyway, even though I had a few tears after as I said, a little bit of me felt quite strong. 

Patricia, I am sure you are a godsend to your in-laws, and you should take it as a huge compliment that they don't want to worry you and realise how hard this is for you.  It means they love you.

Fiona hun, everytime you think he is going to walk through the door, Derek is walking into you heart.

Speak later - better just go and sit by the phone incase the hotel realise that they need me ..... lol.

Judi xxx

Hello evryone.  I hope you are all okay?  I hope you are okay Fiona.  I completely understand your expectation that Derek will walk in through the door any minute.  I still have panics from time to time that I am actually losing my memory and I have just forgotten that Chris is still in hospital and worse still, I haven't been visiting him.  It is a strange feeling and I really question myself at times.

Well done Judi for going round to the restaurant.  I really hope they call you but either way you should be really proud of yourself for taking the plunge.  I accepted your friend request on FB today - thanks.

Patricia I hope your mum-in-law and your dad are feeling a little better.  My van door is still working!

I am off to the physio shortly for some more acupunture.  I have to leave at 7 so I haven't got long.  I need to call at the supermarket on the way home to get some stuff in for the weekend as my sister is coming to see me.  We are going to go shopping for something to wear to our other sister's wedding next month.

I have arranged to meet the superintendant for the cemetery at the cemetery tomorrow to discuss the bench.  Hopefully it will go ahead from there.  I am hoping that in a months time the headstone, kerb and bench are all in place.

Right I had better go and get ready.  Have a good evening everyone.  Ailsa xx

Hello

Someone advised me to post on here, said you were a friendly bunch! So many sad stories.

My husband  of almost 25 years died on 24th September. He had been well until collapsing at home 5 weeks earlier, he was taken to A&E were they thought he had a chest infection, his red platelets were low, he had low blood pressure and was sweating profusely. He was discharged from hospital 3 times over those weeks. He had all manner of tests, scans, broncoscopy, bone marrow etc, we were both very frightened. When he was last discharged 1 week before he died, he only lasted 2 days at home before he started to cough up blood. They diagnosed Large B cell lymphoma on the Monday and he started chemo on the Thursday, he died four hours later.

I can't believe it, we had just returned from a holiday in America, the morning he collapsed he was chopping logs in the garden. It feels like my insides have been torn out,  I find it hard to accept he has gone. Each morning I get up and put on my face, I am incredulous that I look the same, I feel haggard. Everyone says I am doing fine, what I am feeling is normal, I can't imagine ever feeling normal again. What will I do each evening, weekends without my special man?

You all sound so brave, I can't face going back to work, coming home to a sad, lonely meal for one, when will I be able to return to my job without breaking down?

The only thing I am glad for is that he was not in any pain at all, just very tired, so many of you have had the agony of watching your loved ones suffer.

I am so sorry if I have gone on a bit but at least it is a few minutes not spent staring into space.

Thanks for reading x

Evening all , Well done Judi , how brave of you and how clever too , to think of doing something like that . I'm thinking of offering my services to the local pub , if they need a taster they can call on me any time lol. Ailsa i hope the meeting with the superintendant goes ok , i'm looking forward to seeing photos of your bench , maybe i'll come and plonk my self on yours for a while .. We're still waiting for the permit to come through for the head stone so i haven't got a date yet , hopefully it wont be to long .

Well i went to my little grandsons birthday party and i timed it perfectly , just as i got there most of the little kiddies we're on there way home bless .. So i then watched the whole day on video , from him getting up in the morning and opening his pressies , when he got to nursery and  they sang to him , and then at his party when he blew the candles out on his cake and opened more pressies , so i saw the whole day but with him sat on my knee , much quieter , perfect ..

Hope evrybody is ok .. what you all up too .

Lynne xxxx

Hi Sadanna

Glad you found us, this is the place to be! You haven`t gone on too much and I know it is too early to think about going back to work. If you`re like most of us you`ll be ploughing through endless paperwork. We all understand and will be here. Take a day at a time and don`t `expect` anything of yourself.

Ailsa good luck with your bench. Lynne glad you had the best part of the party.

Well done Judi, hope you get some response.

Well I had a bit of a reunion last night and we have named a date for Paul`s charity night in his memory. Friday 7th May 2010 which is the day after the anniversary of his death.Lots of plans and lists were discussed last night, such lovely friends that are all going to be busy.

Had a tough day at work and just had tears with in laws (something I try not to do now as I know they are hurting) The girl I work with has health issues(thyroid) and also her mum has lung cancer. It has really hit me today and I`ve found it hard. Tomorrow is another day!!

I am so tired which doesn`t help so early night for me. Hope everyone else has had an ok Monday.

Helen xxx

Hi, all

#Off to pub quiz , so will catch up tomorrow.

brain cell - now where did i put you............

Sue x

HI im sorry about your loss i have just lost my dad due to the same illness your husband had. i seem to understand what your sayin what happens now ? its hard seeing my mom like the way she is we lost our dad just last month why i was holding is hand he was only 57 and left 3 sons and is wife all i can say is stay srong my mom seems to be. she just looks forward going to the grave every week your husband will always love you and your family im so sorry ..im sorry if ive gon on a littel its just that we share somethin and its a shame that people like us have to come to the internet to share storys of loseing a love 1

Hi everyone,

Hi Sadanna, sorry to find you here but I find this thread a support I couldn't do without at the moment.  Like someone says, don't look too far into the future.  Take each day or even each 1/2 day as it comes.  You have had a terrible shock as your husband was ill for so short a time and you must go easy on yourself.  Do you have much support at home?  Don't worry about work - you will know when you have the strength.  I went back to work 4 weeks after my husband died but I knew that personally I couldn't leave it any longer as I would never have went back.  I have had to push myself to go out or I would just spiral out of control and never leave the house.  I have two young children who are a godsend as I don't have a choice but to go out and about and see people.

Well what a day I've had!!!  You couldn't even write a book about my life because no-one would believe it!  Before we moved to this house we lived on a farm and we moved here to have a low maintenance house and be near Wully's family.  We had 4 cats at the farm (3 lived outside and 1 inside) so when we moved here (a new build) we rehomed 2 of the cats and brought one barn cat and a house cat.  Wully bought me the house cat for my first birthday spent with him and the barn cat is semi-feral.  He comes in the house occasionally but you couldn't pet him and he doesn't really like people.  Anyway to cut a long story short, I can't take the cats to my new house so my parents are taking the house cat and the cats protection league were taking the other one and try and home him on a farm.  However he got sick with a cold so I took him to the vets tonight and he gave him an antibiotic jag after much struggling.  Anyway, when I got outside he broke out the cat carrier and got away!!!  He ran away into a park and off!  The vet is about 10 minutes drive from my house so its not like he will make his way home and I feel so bad and guilty.  I hunted for him but he was well gone.  I have had him for 7 years and feel terrible.  I know he won't starve as he is semi-feral so very self sufficient but he is out there on his own!

What a day.

Hope you all had a better day and hope you get on okay at the cemetery Ailsa.  Hope you are doing okay Helen as you seem to be on the same blip that I am on too.  Well done Judi - very brave!  Hugs to Fiona, Lynne, Kaz, Sue, Esme, Patricia and everyone else.

Gayle xx

Hi Sadanna , sorry i missed your post earlier , you,ve been given some good advice and i'm sure you'll soon be at home on this thread , we all rely on each other so much , total strangers who have been thrown together by a tragic denomonator , we dont want to be here but have no choice now , we all oryeach other on this roller coaster ..

Helen the charity night sounds fab , i may plan something like that at my sisters pub , not on the scale of yours but a get together and a drink in his memory . Gayle i once had a cat that dissapeared for 9 months and then reapeared , so i think yours will turn up in a couple of days , dont feel bad there was nothing you could have done . xx

Good luck with the quiz Sue

Lynne xxx

Welcome to the thread Sadanna, sorry you find yourself here. This is a good place to come to though and you will find lots of love and support.  I imagine at the moment you are feeling shock and disbelief at finding yourself in  this position.

Sue, hope you found that braincell and that it was switched on.

Gayle, what a day you've had.It never rains but it pours.  You poor thing having all that hassle.

Judi, well done you going out there and trying to get some employment. I hope they realise what an asset you would be.

Helen, good luck witht the charity night.  Hope you get some sleep tonight.

Lynne hope you are ok. Glad you enjoyed the birthday party.

Ailsa, hope the physio senssion went well.

Hope Fiona, Esme, Kaz and Kevin are ok too.

I have been to a group bereavement support session this evening.  It was very emotional and everyone was telling their own individual experiences. So, so sad. It is wierd how you can feel so in control one second and then the next the tears are just dropping from your eyes. That is how I was tonight in the session.  I am sitting here now trying to decide how I feel and strangely I have no idea. It is as though all my emotions have been suspended for a time.  This scares me as I do not know what to expect when they switch back on again.

Well I hope you all have a resonable night and a better day tomorrow.

Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x