My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Evening everyone

Judi your music sounds like a good idea!! Funny how songs can lift us or make us cry!!

Lynne glad you`re stil enjoying your break, I remember Strike they were good!

Gayle you`re very brave, I am going through a stage I can`t look at photos of Paul at the moment without floods of tears and on the whole I`ve had quite a good few days but then feel guilty because I`ve been ok. Mad eh!!!

I`ve been to the gym after work so going to have a shower and watch tv tonight. Going dark already!!

Ailsa how`s work? Hope your mum and dad have a lovely holiday. How`s Kaz and everyone tonight?

Lots of love Helen xxx

Hi Patricia, you`ll be worrying about the weekend but I`m sure you`ll be ok when it comes. I`ve been like that for each milestone I`ve been waiting for but the actual day has been ok. Will be thinking of you xx

Helen xxx

Hi everyone,

Tricia that probably is why you are having a down week as it is another anniversay to go through.  We will be thinking of you.

Judi - your living pattern sounds a bit like mine.  Ofter I hear the milkman delivering the milk because I am still up reading and then I end up falling asleep during the day so it is a vicious circle.  I fell asleep about 2.30 this morning and of course fell asleep about 1 today and woke up at 2.50 and had to pick Jamie up from school at 3.  I ran up the road and got there just in time but what a sight I must have been lol!!

Enjoyed our Macdonalds but still tired so think I will watch some TV and then have an early night.  Really need to get into this packing but so can't be bothered.  Boys are staying at my mums on Saturday night so hopefully get quite a lot done on Sunday during the day when they are away.

Helen, I too find pictures hard to look at from my time with Wully but these pics were strange as they were all from when he was younger (we didn't meet until he was 36 and were together 10 years) so it was like looking at someone else's life if you know what I mean.

Take care everyone and hope your day has been okay.

Gayle x

Hi everyone.  I have managed to come on here a little earlier tonight!

Patricia the angel gift sounds absolutely lovely.  I agree with Helen and the others - Ray's coming birthday will be filling you with all sorts of emotions and you must be very apprehensive.  The anticipation does seem to have a habit of being worse than the actual day.  Similarly I have found recently that things I didn't realise were going to be a problem have been.  I will be wishing you extra hugs at the weekend.

Lynne - it is lovely to hear you enjoying your break and I remember Strike as well.  Carry on enjoying the holiday.

Judi you have made me think that maybe my ipod could help lift my spirits.  I have remembered that I have a playlist of very 'dance about' music on mine that I often used to put on when I needed to find the energy to do some housework.  I haven't listened to it since Chris died but now you have mentioned yours I have thought of mine - I will listen tomorrow and see if it makes me feel happier - thanks.

Gayle I'm glad you got some good from looking through Wully's box.  My son looks very much like his Dad but I don't often see it myself because he looks like the young Chris and not necessarily like the Chris that I immediately see in my head.  A long lost friend found me recently because Stu looks like his Dad when he was younger.  She was working in a garage that Stu went to and she thought he looked like Chris.  Then she says Stu smiled and looked like me.  The next time Stu went into the garage she served him and checked his name on his card.  It was too much of a coincidence so she asked him if we were his parents!  How good is that?

I have had a good friend round for a while tonight and we have been trying to figure out how to make me relax a bit and wind down.  I am a bit like a coiled spring at the moment.  We are going out for a meal on the 2nd October with some of her workmates so that will be a start.  I think I will try to find a meditation cd I know I have as well now it has been mentioned.

I hope everyone else is okay.  Have a good evening all.  Ailas xx

Hi all, thank you so much for your messages of support. I know myself it is anticipation of events to come which is getting me down. That and the fact that I am not feeling that well of late.  I am going to the docs on Monday to see whether there is anything tom worry about. Hopefully not so wish me luck.  Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

Hi Patricia.  I'm sure there will be nothing to worry about but good luck anyway.  Take care of yourself.  Lots of hugs xx

Hi Helen - I forgot to say but work is going okay.  I think I am getting carried away a bit and doing the same thing at work as I am at home.  I have been in for 6:30am twice this week although I left early on both those day - you never quite get over getting up at 5am do you!!  I have been to all 3 of our sites today which meant a lot of driving and tomorrow is expected to be a long one as well.  So far I am planning on finishing early on Friday to make up for it though.

I just need to slow down generally.  How is your work going?  Ailsa xx

Hi Ailsa, you do need to slow down a bit!!!

My work is great, busy getting into a new term and new children but really enjoy it. Would be lost without it and it`ll soon be half term!! Helped me get back into sleeping too, mind you Paul always said nothing would stop me from sleeping!! Well he was wrong because losing him did for a while but pleased to say I`m sleeping again. Off to bed soon, speak tomorrow

Helen xxx

Patricia - I wish you more than good luck for the doctor, I wish you the best vibes going.  And although this weekend will be hard Ray will be with you every step of the way.

Photos - I have so few of Ed because he HATED having his taken, he though he looked awful whereas I always thought he looked gorgeous.  Many times people have been looking through photos and said "was Ed not there?" - and I have to tell them to look very carefully because then you can see a bit of his sleeve or the edge of his jacket as he ducked out of the way.  So I wish I had more. 

However, I did find three that I loved - all of them with a glass of wine in!  I knew that he would hate the idea of me putting them up, so I made a bargain with him (I am always looking up to the ceiling/sky and explaining my actions to him) I have had them printed off in black and white and they are in a very nice triple frame I got when Woolies was closing down - and my justification to him was that as they are black and white and all together, then that must be Art.  I love looking at them, and when I feel really down there is one in particular where he is tanned, wearing the loudest holiday shirt (you can tell it's loud even in black and white) and raising a glass with the cheekiest grin on his face.  It always makes me smile even if it is through tears.  If I had my way I would have it blown up poster size and hang it on the wall.  But others seem to think that might be too much!

Helen, I know exactly what you mean about feeling uneasy after you have had a couple of good days.  I work part-time and often it is that busy that I am almost the 'old me' buzzing around trying to get everything done.  But then I can get in the car to go home and burst into tears because I wasn't sad while I was at work.  As you say - mad. 

Love to all.

Judi x 

evening everyone

Glad your continuing to have a good time Lynne.

Patricia sorry to hear you not feeling too good, hope everything goes ok at docs on monday. It is so easy to get run down when your feeling stressed and upset. As you say, you are probably worrying about Rays birthday and the family christening but i am sure the day won't be quite as bad as you are expecting. Big hugs and I am especially thinking of you at this time.

Judi and Gayle, so know what you mean about sleep patterns, mine is all over the place. Can't remember when I really slept properly. Mine really got messed up when I worked nights, then Liam's tumour returned and all the stress made sleeping very hit and miss(mainly miss) then as his condition worsened, I had to sleep listening out for him and getting up to help him about six times each night. So hence bad habits are formed and I think you just get used to catching bits of sleep when you can. I know for myself that it is no good me even trying to sleep unless I can hardly keep my eyes open otherwise my head hits the pillow and I am wide awake.

your music idea is a good one Judi i am in the process of of putting all our cds on to the computer at the moment, but have to be careful which ones I play as anything we listened to together is just too much for me to handle at the mo.

Gayle you are very lucky to have that box of Wully's things, it must have been so sad going through it but how lovely for the boys, especially as they are so young now. I have very few things of Liam's he hated his photo taken and gave all his old photos away to his children years ago. He also hated clutter so was very minimalistic in his posessions. But I at least have my memories and I know nothing can take those from me.

Had a slightly better day today only spent an hour or so crying! Was busy helping my dad with his garden, then took the girls swimming after school.

Debs x

Hello all, well here i am at this silly time and not tired.  Ah well, seems to be the pattern for most of us. I do so hope that all you lovely ladies manage to get some sleep tonight. It is not good to be awake half the night. (says she who hardly ever sleeps lol).

I wish I could understand why your emotions can be so disabling.  I was planning to go visit my brother in law earlier but as my emotions were so labile I decided against it. I just could not bear the thought of the comforting arms and the platitudes I would recieve.  He tells me it is ok to cry blah blah blah. I know I sound ungreatful but feel bad crying in front of him as he is also grieving for his elder brother. Much better if they were like my sister who lets me get on with it (cries with me) and then makes me laugh.  She is so good for me.

Debs I am glad you had a little better day.

Ailsa, please take care and don't burn yourself out.  Just send me your excess energy instead because I am severely depleted of energy and am more like a sloth than the whirling dervish that you seem to be doing a good imitation of.

Judi, I was lucky as I have lots of pictures of Ray and I have a nice one in a fram in my lounge.  He smiles out at me and his eyes seem to watch me all the time, no matter where I am in the room.  This is no different to when he was alive because I used to catch him just staring at me. He used to say he liked looking at me.  I used to get so cross with him for always looking at me because i got embarrassed.  Now I would give anything to have him sitting looking at me.It really made me smile when I read your description of your pictures being 'art'.  they are a type of art anyway because photography is an art form lol.

Well, thanks for listening to yet more of my rambling.  When I am upset I tend to verbalise way too much. 

Good night and God bless. Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x