My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Good morning everyone.  Well I'm up & about for my long day - I might have to work till 6pm tonight - so wish me bags of energy to get through it.  Even I am getting concerned about burning myself out now so I have made a pact with myself to slow down a bit from tomorrow and a bit more from Monday.  I have been doing funny, stressed breathing since the weekend - the kind where you keep feeling like you can't quite fill your lungs and breathe deeply enough but you are trying too often to breathe that deeply, consciously anyway.  No-one should be as aware of their breathing as I am right now.

I completely understand how you feel about your brother Patricia.  I try to avoid upsetting anyone who knew Chris.  I need someone like your sister who I am comfortable sharing my tears with.

Judi, Debs, I'm there with Patricia when it comes to photos of Chris.  He was quite happy to have his picture taken so I have hundreds, maybe even thousands.  He was a singer so I even have posters!  I have video/DVDs as well.  Some of the films are of him singing and some are just general holiday films - putting up tents and stuff.  He even left us a farewell video.  That is not as bad as it sounds.  Chris was worried about losing his memories so he talks about memorable things in his life in the video.  To be fair it doesn't matter whether you have photos or not does it.  We all have our memories and that is what counts.  We certainly didn't take all the photos because we expected any of us not to be here.  My memories are more of a comfort - the photos can be hard sometimes.

Well I'm up early for a reason today so I had better go and get ready for work.  I'm glad you are enjoying your new term Helen.  I hope you got some sleep in the end Patricia - and everyone else.  Speak later.  Ailsa xx

morning girlies

Really busy at the moment and more than a little stressed, bt keeping up with all your posts.

kaz-where are you love?   missing you

sue x

Hello Ladies,

Wully loved getting his picture taken and we have dozens of ones he took of himself lol!  Like you Tricia he loved watching me and I too got embarrassed as it was usually when I was getting dressed lol!  I remember one funny moment in the hospice when he had been really sick and it was close to bedtime so I managed to persuade him to have a shower (it was always a big palaver) and I would help him and do all the work and he was adamant that I was to get undressed too and come in with him.  The nurse that was helping us was having a fit (in a joking way as she knew us both well).   Some of the pictures I was looking at he had his top off and that made me feel sad as by the end his torso was covered in various scars as he had, had some major surgeries and procedures.  Looking at the pics of him as a young man without these scars not knowing what was to come was sad.

Oh dear think I am going to have one of those days.  Feeling totally overwash with sadness at the moment.  Yesterday triggered it off as sometimes when I am driving down our street I flash back to the funeral.  When the hearse came it drove down our street slowly with the undertaker walking in front and it was the most painful moment ever.  We live in a nicy shiny modern estate and it was just so wrong for all reasons.  Then this morning my mind keeps going back to his last day and holding his hand.  Life is just so unfair!  He was such a good person and he was like a child at the end and I just miss him so much.  Will need to go as I can't stop the tears this morning. 

Gayle xx

Gayle sorry your feeling so tearful too. It is horrible when you can't leave some memories behind, I keep having flashbacks of Liam's last few weeks which were horrendous, yet I have so many good times to remember but they don't seem to surface very often, even though I know they are there my brain cant let go of the sad ones. Like your Wully, Liam was such a wonderful man, so kind and gentle why is life so cruel.

Debs x

in my work as a vicar i have to deal with people nearing the end of their life very often but not until my lovely wife Sandra died on 6th June did i truly understand what 'it' is like. now i have to visit a couple whose lives are devastated by cancer, the husband has just had the same prognosis as Sandra, she lived 6 weeks after it. this is a very in your face reminder for me but as with others, reminders are all over the place. it's so hard to even get up sometimes.

Gayle and Debs - I hope, hope, hope that your day got a little easier, I don't use the word better, cos that is too much to ask for when we feel like that.  I also find that most of my thoughts/memories are of when Ed was ill and like you some of them are so very hard, however it was during that time of his life that we were the most honest and most caring and most loving to each other, so because of that we talked so much and all the things that many people don't ever get round to saying to their loves we were lucky enough to tell each other.  It makes me feel very secure about his love for me as he had never been one for showing his emotions or feelings before.

I think that these sad memories are with us all the time - it is the funny or happier ones from times before they were ill that suddenly burst in like a tiny short-lived ray of sunshine.  I cherish those ones.  Today's was when I heard the Mavericks 'Lets Dance the Night Away'.  Years ago one eveing when we had friends round my darling suddenly announced that he thought the lead singer would made a very good best friend.  It doesn't sound funny now, but at the time we all fell about laughing.  So that was my good five seconds today. 

Weebill - I take my hat off to you. I believe that it takes a very special person to be able to cope with reminders like that without falling to pieces.  I know that I just withdraw into myself and have no words to offer if I hear of someone who has had a similar prognosis - I don't know what to say because we had hope for a while, and then it went.  So you must be very special.

Ailsa, I think you should maybe pamper yourself a little and see if you can slow down a little.  Patricia, let me know if you need more hot chocolate - I still haven't done anything energetic or constructive, but there's always tomorrow.

Love to all

Judi xx

Evening Everybody , so sorry some of you are having a hard time at the moment , i'm away but although i am trying to "get on with things "its still not easy . I had a weepy day yesterday as it was 12 weeks since i lost Gordon , why 12 weeks is anyworse than 11 weeks 6 days or 12 weeks and 1 day i dont know . At the show last night they also sang our wedding song , and i couldn't hold it together anymore . My sis and husband were brill and we came back and had coffee and biscuits . The song i heard was Elton Johns "the way you look tonight " We had it played for our first dance but us being us , just when everybody was in tears watching us (why does that always happen at weddings ) we had arranged for the DJ to play"two hops "i think its called ) and everybody's tears turned to laughter and loads joined in with us , it was the best day/night ever . Its so hard to think that we didn't even get to our second anniversary , but my one consalation is that , we did meet and i loved and cared for him all the time he was ill . We'd been together 4 years when we married and he was diagnosed 3 years after we met . Thank goodness we did as his first wife wouldn't not have cared for him like i did, his daughters have told me that . Sorry for the ramble ,

Sue i had been so worried about you , iyou have always been a great help to everybody else so i hope your stress levels are down now . Ailsa i hope you got through your long shift . Its my kast night here and i will be glad to get back even if it is just to be on my own again at least  i can get to the cemetery ,.and i,ve missed the grandkiddies so much ..

Have a good evening everybody Judi , Debs keep posting , i hope its helping ..

Lynnexxxxxxxx

Lynne, never apolgise for 'rambling' - I love reading your posts, and could just picture your wedding dance and  had a tear in my eye because it is a beautiful song - but love the idea that on good days you can relish the memory of making your wedding guests laugh.  Gordon was SO lucky to find you.

Judi xx

Thanks Judi thats so nice of you , i was lucky to find him xxxxx

Hi everyone

Think I`ve got an image of you on your 1st dance Lynne, can imagine tears and laughter!!

Judi we did a lot of talking too and Paul told me how much he loved me!! One night while we were in Center Parcs (booked for us by a friend, we were there just 2 weeks before he died) he said I love you and I replied I love you too and he said No, I really love you. We weren`t really soppy all the time but that was lovely - oh no here come the tears now!!! I did have a memory the other day though that I actually smiled about so that`s one plus!!!

Nothing planned this weekend apart from back to the garage to sort paperwork so not sure how that wil be. Usually like to have something planned to break it up.

Hope your day hasn`t been too long Ailsa, nearly Friday!! Hope everyone else has got through today okay

Helen xxx