My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Evening everyone,

Feeling slightly better today although didn't go to work and stayed in bed all afternoon.  My sister and her boyfriend came over tonight and we started on the garage so I have one skip full!  Just feels so overwhelming lol!!!  The amount of junk is unbelievable.  Will get a lot to the charity shop and get another skip.  Wully was into his music in a big way when he was young and had loads of original 50's clothes which he warned me not to throw out.  I was cursing him tonight though as it is 3 big boxes lol!!!  Will need to find a space in the new house.  But I also found a box with all his old photos and an old family box he got from his dad so I am looking forward to (and not in a way) going through it all before I go to bed.  It will be great for the boys for when they are older.  Garage is quite sad though as a lot of Wully's stuff in there like his golf clubs and his whisky collection.

Welcome Brenda and I too found your post very moving and your pain that you have been through is horrendous.  You do sound very strong and offered very wise thoughts on our own journeys. 

Debs, sorry to hear you are having a rough time.  I hope tomorrow goes better for you and just remember we are all here holding your hand.

Lynne, sounds like you are a having a good time.  I too spoke to a couple of mediums and also found it very comforting - better than counselling in my mind but not for everyone I suppose.

Fiona, I am sorry you too are having a rough ride.  Just keep thinking happy thoughts about the new grandchild which I am sure will keep you very busy and remember January is another few months down the road on this journey so you will be stronger by then.  You have been to hell and back so you will find the strength as you are a very brave strong person.

Helen, sorry to hear about the hassle with the car.  Sounds like the hassle I had with mine.  Paperwork is a pain.  I have just done all my mortgage paperwork today and I am sure it will be never ending!

Hello to everyone else and big hugs Kaz. 

Love Gayle xx

Hi Gayle - my, you have been working hard!  I hope you get some smiles from looking through Wully's stuff.  I know there will be tears as well but they will be wonderful memories for the future.  Make sure you get some rest as well.

Sorry about the car paperwork Helen.  It just makes us miss them more doesn't it?  I am having another rant at the bank just now.  I thought I had done most things till they stuck a spanner in the works again.

I don't know how everyone else is finding the new site - I am getting used to navigating round this thread and some things on my home page but I am struggling with the groups and can't seem to track down my favourite discussions from the old site.  Best give up and go to bed.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xx

Hello everyone, I just want to wish you all a good night and the hopes that tomorrow will bring happier thoughts and feelings for you. Take care x xPatricia x x

Hi guys

Have just caught up with everyone's news as I had my supper and then fell asleep on the sofa sometime during Masterchef, so I think before 9, and just woke up. Have taken the dogs out for a stroll - they seem to getting very used to the strange hours I keep. 

I am so impressed with the energy that some of you show, I feel so lacking in enthusiasm or motivation and most nights think - right, okay Judes, tomorrow you are going to give yourself a shove and get moving.  Hasn't happened yet. 

Brenda hi.  You deserve so many hugs. 

I love reading about all of you and can almost picture you all because you share your thoughts and lives so well.  Keep it up please, you are certainly helping me at the moment. 

Night all, Judi xx

Morning all , Hope everybody is feeling ok this morning . Gayle did you say you've had the offer on the other house accepted ? Hope ypur not getting to stressed hun.

Well we didn't have a to late night , sis gets very drunk very easy so we came back earlier . Strike are the 2 boys that do martial arts to music (and rip there shirts off ) They we're abit dissapointing really , they did the same routine that they did on BGT and that was it , i'd say they we're on stage for about 3 mins . They are good at what they do but 3 mins wasn't enough . The rest of the show was fantastic tho , there are some very talented youn people out there .

Its a long walk today and maybe if there are some shops we'll have tp go in them lol. Poor Mick he just trots behind us but i do try and give them time to themselves too , even tho they say they are fine .

Hope everybody had a good day .

Take care ..Lynne xxxx

Judi, everday I tell myself that tomorrow will be different and I will get up and and do all the things that I have planned in  my head. Unfortunately that never seems to happen because I always find that the motivation is just not strong enough.  Ahh well, maybe tomorrow. 

Lynne I am so glad you seem to be enjoying your break. I am sure your sis and bro-in-law wouls ay if they wanted to get off on their own. They are probably just pleased that you nade the decision to get away in the first place. That in itself is a big thing.

I just got a lovely little 'rose quartz' angel through the post from my good friend in Australia. Bless her she is so lovely and thoughtful.  Rose will now sit by Ray's picture so that I know where she is when I need her.  He is surrounded by angels which people have given me.  A nice swaroski crystal one from my sister, a pendant from a friend and now 'Rose'. I am so blessed to have lovely people in my life. I include all of you in this statement because without your support I would find the days would be unbearable.  So a big 'THANK YOU' for being there and allowing me to join this group. 

I hope that you are all having the best day that you can

x x Patricia x x

Patricia you are a lovely lady, whenever I read your posts I get a sense of a gentle, smiling lady with a sense of fun, you may not feel like it at the moment but the you that is in your profile photo is still there and will see you through.  Ask the angels to help and give you some strength at the moment, I always ask Archangel Michael to protect us all and our house as well, I feel so vulnerable now without Steve and it's comforting to think of protecting arms around us all.

Just a suggestion for all on here, have you tried Bach Flower Remedies?  They can help with the wearying feeling of sadness, not take it away exactly but certainly help to bring it all to a level that helps you cope.  Have a look in your local health shop or Boots chemist and read the list and the "symptoms" sometimes more than one blended together deals with various emotions, Rescue Remedy is a flower remedy most people have heard of and we have used that on my daughters horse after an accident and it certainly seemed to help him although he wouldn't have know what we were doing so not placebo.  Meditation too helps to relax and revitalise you, therefore giving you strength to carry on every day, there are cd's available on Amazon which are quite good - the one I have the man has a lovely voice I could listen to all day!

Been out mowing the lawn and collecting leaves today, it's the bane of our lives although I do love autumn, but every year there are bags and bags of leaves to collect at least when it's not too wet the mower collects them easily - yet another job Steve did the most of.  Every day I send him thanks for things I never appreciated enough before.

Away to get stuff to the tip, hopefully back later, hope you are all doing well today xxxx

Hello Everyone,

Tricia, what a lovely gift to get.  I do believe in all these things to and yes we are all a great support as your messages lift us also.

Fiona - hope you are doing okay today and feeling a bit less stressed. 

I went through Wully's box last night and it was quite sad but a great thing to show the boys when they are older.  It felt strange as it was his life before he met me so it is like looking at a different person to be honest.  I found pictures which I had seen a long time ago of him as a boy and realised that my 3yr old is so like him as a little boy.  Ewan has bright blond hair which is always the joke of the family as I am very dark and Wully had brown hair and we couldn't figure where it came from but Wully had blonde hair as a little boy and his eyes are identical to Ewan's.  It will be very strange looking at Ewan growing up as I am sure he will look very like his Dad.  I wish that I had found the box earlier and Wully and I had looked through it as he hadn't seen it for years and it would have gave him a boost to see it.  He used to sing in a band and I found his posters for gigs that his band did.  One is really good so I think I will frame it and put it up in the new house. 

Well off to do some work before I take the boys to Macdonalds.  We go every Wednesday for our dinner as a treat.

Speak to you all later.

Gayle xx

Hi All

After having accidently slept for nearly four hours on the sofa last night (never manage that long in bed - why is that) there was no chance of me getting to sleep in bed for a few hours so did some 'sorting out' and went to bed at 5am! Unfortunately the dogs hadn't cottoned on to my new timescale and still wanted out at 8 this morning.  So a bit of a topsy-turvy day. 

But having spend most of yesterday attempting to stem the flow of tears, and eventually just giving into them, today has been a bit better.  This afternoon in the car coming back from doing some shopping (anyone else now completely useless at food shopping and wanders around aimlessly in the aisles not fancying anything and coming home with very little or complete rubbish?) a song came on the radio by Christina Augule.... you know who I mean ... called Fighter.  And you know what - it made me jig along as I was driving.

Anyway when I got home I decided that I would find come CDs and put certain tracks on my IPod under a new playlist that I have called 'Feisty' lol.  I have found five songs that make the grade so far, and although I don't think for one minute that if I am really down they will have any effect at all, this afternoon, when I wasn't too bad, I was strutting round my house like a teenager.  Of course it didn't last long, about 10 minutes, but I did enjoy it.  So I am going to find some more appropriate tracks to add to my Feisty list for when I am up for it.

Lynne I hope you had another good day. I bet your sister is so happy and so proud to have you with her.  Patricia - I had my ten minutes of energy today, didn't do anything useful with it but I don't care.  When you are feeling low and demotivated imagine I have sent you a comfy settee, a huge duvet, a mug of hot chocolate (with marshmallows in) and an old black and white film on BBC2 and just relax into it. xxxxx  Gayle and Fiona and all of you others who are keeping me sane - lots of love. Am going to find something for tea now as Gayle's talk of a Macdonalds made me hungry.

Judi xx

Esme, i cannot imagine how you get the sense of a a gentle smiling lady from my posts. If only we could see ourselves as others see us it would be a wonderful thing.  I am often told not to be so hard on myself and to have more faith in my own abilities. My family seem to have nme on some sort of pedestal but I am afraid I am gong to fall off it and disapoint them all in some way.  You are right though I am a fun loving person but just lately am finding it very difficult to find any fun (it is there it is just that I am not enjoying it). 

Judi, your settee, duvet etc are in full use right now, thank you for that.  I have become something of a couch potato over the past few months and it is about time I shook myself up and got going.  I thought I was on the way at last but suddenly I am in the depths of despair. I am wondering ig it is because it is Ray's birthday on Saturday (1st without him) and then we have a family Christening on Sunday and somehow family occasions are not quite the same now. 

Gayle, how lovely to have that box.  My son had the blondest hair as a young child but as he got older his hair got very dark.   You would never believe it was the same person lol.    Anyway I hope you enjoyed your MacDonalds

Take care all. Lovem and angel hugs x x Patricia x x