My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello again. Well it has taken me over an hour to read through all the posts while I have been away. Hello Debs. It is a shame to read that yet another person has to join us under these circumstances but you will find a lot of support here and a lot of friends.
My camping holiday was good. Sounds like I had better weather than a lot of you did. It was sunny right through until Thursday morning. I had a great time with the kids. I did, however, have lots of wobbles on this holiday. Chris and I loved camping and I was surrounded by just far too many reminders. I think I was trying to be both Chris and Ailsa. I was okay as long as we were busy bowling, shopping, sight-seeing etc but then back in my tent on my own I just kept going to pieces. So on Thursday when the weather turned a bit I asked the kids if we could go home. They were fine with that. We spent all day packing up as there were 4 tents to do so I didn't get back until late on Thursday. I was so tired yesterday I decided not to try to catch up on here for another day. I will go camping again next year but I am going to change how I do it. Chris and I have loads of camping gear - Stu always said we went 'glamping' not camping. I am just not strong enough to go with so much stuff. I am going to give some of the things to the kids and I will take less with me. I think it is the same old story with so many things to do with this grief thing - the first time we have to do anything without our partners is the hardest. The camping was hard because as well as everything else I think Chris already knew that even if he had recovered from the cancer the damage that had been done by his treatment was going to disable him slowly but surely. Last October he took me to look at caravans and I am sure that was because he didn't think he was going to be strong enough for camping for too much longer and he wanted to prepare an alternative. I love driving but I am not brave enough to tow a caravan. I have cried loads since I got home as I think I felt like I had let Chris down a bit coming home early. I feel a little better this morning and I think that is partly due to coming on here and catching up with everyone.
I went to the doctor yeaterday as I have had a stiff back for a while now but didn't do anything about it while I was looking after Chris. I am going to have some physio and the doctor reckons that some gentle exercise and painkillers should do the trick so I hope he is right. While I was there I asked him about bereavement counselling. Answer!! - look in the yellow pages!! Flippin' useless! In his defence he went onto say that because Chris died of cancer it might be a good idea to contact the hospice for more specialised counselling. So guess what everyone - looks like I am going with Helen's advice and looking to all of you on here for your special brand of support.
I have caught up on some funnies. I love the research that is on-going into 'widow's brain syndrome'. I will contribute to the research tonight with both choc and wine while watching xfactor!!
You have been buying great cars - I best take my poor van for a wash today. It's a mercedes so it is nearly as posh as a BMW & a mini. My first 2 cars were old style minis but then I got some bigger cars and now I can't go back to smaller. I like being up high looking over the traffic.
Have all the schools gone back now? How is work going Sue? Sounds like you were feeling the same tired we have all felt when we have gone back to work.
Kaz - now I am home I am going to do some dancing. I used to dance quite a lot but 2 frozen shoulders straight after each other and then Chris's illness put paid to that for a long while. I think dancing will help to strengthen my back so I am going to get started next week. I am going to a northern soul night next weekend so that will mean some dancing.
Can I join the DIY team? I have a blind to put up this weekend. I did some drilling a few weeks ago and used the wrong drill so it took ages - maybe I need the classes as well. The gardens all sound like they are going to be great. I love my garden. Chris put a lovely big deck in and a patio so I love to spend time in it.
Well I had best stop waffling for now or this will be the longest post going. I need to download some holiday photos and get them on facebook. Take care everyone. Thanks for being here when I came back. Glad you had a good time too Kev. Ailsa xx

Welcome back Ailsa. Glad you had better weather than we did. To be honest the hospice wasn`t much use, don`t get me wrong all lovely but better support here from those who understand xxx

I`ve just been to the hairdressers so feel better now, roots all gone!!!! Also done weekly shop, met quite a few people I know too all asking how I am? You can`t really answer truthfully can you?

I laughed at Lynne also, always some catastrophe. Hope the car bootie goes ok xxx

The weather here is horrible so back to the d.i.y today, going to try the curtain rail in Nat`s bedroom and get her new curtains up.

Speak later, Helen xxx

ailsa,
Welcome back - we have missed you.
Glad you had some decent weather on your trip, and don't blame you one bit for coming home a bit early. You certainly didn't let Chris down - he would be very proud of the fact that you went in the first place. Friends of mine went camping in Scotland and had one dry day in a fornnight - can't think of a worse scenario!!
oh joy!!!
I have bought myself a beast of a strimmer, who is called Stan, and am about to try it out on the back garden.
i may or may not be back later!!
sue x

Sue is right, you didn`t let him down at all xxx Think you were brave to think of going for a week after the summer we`ve had!!! I know when we`ve been camping Paul and I have come home early - especially the year we went to Anglesea, it was so wet!! Nice to be back in your own bed xxx


Good luck Sue, not the weather for gardening here and I can`t work out Paul`s cordless drill to do curtain rail. Aaaaahhh!!!

Hi you guys just cant seem to get a minute to myself at the moment and I have family round all evening plus dogs so I am getting on here quick before they all arrive.
You know coming on here is like reading a good book it is such a tonic...Lynne I loved the hairdryer story.. Sue for heavens sake be careful with the strimmer...Helen put the drill down!! Just cause Sue is loopy I think one in our team is enough....Just white wash the windows!
Ailsa Im sorry but your Doctor is dreadful. I cant believe you were told to look in Yellow Pages for bereavment counselling...I am shocked..
You must start dancing, but take it easy on your back.. Ballroom is good cause you need to have good posture which would help, but maybe not line dancing or disco eh!!!!!We have had a party on here before maybe we could try ballroom and latin classes....Get in practice for Strictly !!!!
Make sure you get a good warm up and cool down and jump in bath when you get home!!!!
Hope everyone is ok I will try and catch you later lots and lots of love and kisses kaz xxxx

Hi Everyone
Lynne you really made me laugh about the hand drier, you remind me of my youngest daughter who is so accident prone, in the last week she has managed to pull down a towel rail and the best one was when she went swimming and decided to tie herself to the bar at the edge of the pool with her bikini string(don't ask me why!) with a combination of her pulling and the water she couldn't undo it and so we had to get the life gaurd to cut her free.
Ailsa I think you were very brave to go camping and should be very proud of yourself I am sure that next time you go things will be a little easier for you. Your doctor sounds as bad as mine, my poor dad had to cancel his holiday so that he could look after my girls so that I could spend all my time at the hospital/hospice. He asked the doctor to fill out an insurance form which he was happy to pay for but the doctor refused because he doesn't have Liam's permission!! They are still arguing over it now.
Had my gym induction today, reckon i will be lucky to be walking tomorrow! No actually really enjoyed it. It has been a really sunny day so managed to get out into the garden it is looking a bit better out there now as it had got a bit overgrown in the last few months.
Debs x

Strictly starts back 18th September at 8.30 - 10.00 YIPPEE!!! kaz xxx

Not to long then Kaz, i went to watch the tour a coule of years ago i'd love to go again , might start looking for tickets xxxxx

Hi

Well I`m afraid I`ve got my anti social head on?? Been invited to a bit of a do tonight and I`m really not in the mood to socialise. Son and daughter were trying to persuade me to go (as they might go too) and I ended up in tears!!! Not sure why, felt bit down last night too but just can`t face getting changed and talking to people. Isn`t that awful. Just want to curl up on couch and watch tele. Just feel tired after only 2 days at work!!

Will have to give myself a shake!!!

Helen xxx