My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

FormerMember over 16 years ago

7970 replies
21 subscribers
1766361 views

My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa

FormerMember over 16 years ago

I had a cute moment yesterday with my 3 yr old Ewan. Recently people have been talking about whether I have seen white feathers around. I am not sure I do believe in all that, however yesterday morning I was sitting thinking about Wully before I went out to look for cars and Ewan was playing in the garden. Then he came running in with a white feather he found in the garden (which is quite unusual) saying he had a special present for me and I was to keep it as an ornament on my desk! It was one of those really lovely moments and I wondered if it was Wully trying to tell us he was thinking of us.

Anyway, I am away to do my ironing. All that car shopping left me little time in the house. And then off to bed.

Goodnight everyone, Gayle x

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Well ladies, I see that you are all keeping very busy. I hope that tomorrow brings a little more sunshine for you all to enjoy. I went to the 70th birthday party and everyone seemed to have a wonderful time. I did a lot of taxi driving (my choice) and that kept me occupied. Unfortunately it rained so the party had to move indoors but was quite cosy as we all seemed to congregate in the kitchen (obligatory do you think?). My son announced his intended wedding date to the gathered clans, asking them to keep the date free and my niece gave out invitations to her daughters Christening. Busy times ahead.
Gayle glad you got a new car sorted.
I was thinking about Christmas myself the other day and wishing it was already passed. Last Christmas we were given the news (on Christmas eve) that Ray's treatment was no longer effective. That was a terrible day and one I would rather forget but of course can't. Christmas day Ray put on a good pretence of enjoying himself when in actual fact he was extremely ill. We have a lovely family photo taken that day which he loved and had with him in the hospice and now sits on the television stand where I can see it at all times.
Have a good Monday ladies and hope the weather is good to you. Love Patricia x x

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Morning girls

I hope you all have lovely plans for today?? And that your day is filled with sunshine and rainbows.............

Love and comforting ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Morning all The car looks great Gayle , i'm glad youmanaged to sort it out , i was undecided wether to change my car a couple of weeks ago , we bought it about 6 weeks before he died , but i think its to big just for me , but when it comes down to it i just dont want to go car shopping again , i dont particuly enjoy it and i would look at the colour osr something like that and Gordon would get all the tech stuff sorted , the one thing he did do he put it in my name and i think that has saved a lot of paper work . What a sweet moment with your son Gayle , i wasn't sure about the feathers either but you've restored my faith a little bit .

Hope you had a good night out Helen and looking forward to today now . I'm having a few wobbles again , i had a weepy day yesterday even tho the kids we're here , i managed to go to the bathroom evertime i felt the tears coming on ,but it was awful once they all went , Dam this grief .

The party sounds like my kind of party Trisha , the kind where you stand in the kitchen having a good chat . We had a photo taken on new years day when there was all the kids together , its the only one with the 14 of us all together , and that takes pride of place too , i also put a copy with him in the coffin .

Yes i think the pups are trained Coral, they should be good they have got a nice comfy basket and wearing jewelery what more would they want ? I've also sat a little monkey in the middle of them now , Gordon bought it when we went to Christies last year , he would be laughing at me now for doing all this , but then he would pat my leg and say "if it makes you feel better " . I miss that so much .

Sue once again your pics have made everybody smile , what we going to do when your back at work and you dont have as much time , can you access this site at school?
Kaz sounds like you've had a busy weekend which is always good

Morning Dotee xx

Lynne xxxxx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Morning everyone xxx

Hi Dot, hope you have a good day xxx

Gayle the girl I work with told me about white feathers being an angel, funnily enough I found one in the garden while I was cutting the grass on Saturday, wish we knew for definite xxx

Patricia the best parties end up in the kitchen!!!

Kaz glad you`ve been busy.

Lynne the weather`s not looking good here for outdoor music but Nat said last night we`ll just take the big golf unbrella so I suppose we should just go for it!!! I bumped into a friend of Paul`s at the restaurant last night, he`d had a few and just kept hugging me and saying how pleased he was to see me but then said he gets upset thinking of Paul not being here anymore so he couldn`t beging to think how I felt, I fel tthe wobble coming!!! but swallowed it and changed the subject. What we like??

What you up to Coral, hope you`re ok xxx

Sue I can`t beat you on the bouncing balls!!!

Have a good day everyone

Helen xxxx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Oh lynne thank you, I had forgotten until you said it yourself, but I also put a copy of the family picture with Ray in his coffin. I wrote aq message on the back for him so that he knew we were all with him. How could I forget that small detail but I guess with everything else going on at the time and the numbness I was feeling it is understandable.
My family seem very concerned about me. I can't think why because I am just going through the natural grief process and it has to run it's course. I took dad home from the party yesterday and then returned for my niece. The hostess of the party (another niece) was concerned because she thought I was away too long. Had I have returned any faster then I would have earned myself a speeding ticket. Not a good plan lol. It is sweet but I do sometimes feel as though the family are worrying too much.
Gayle I bet you are excited about your new car. About the feather, I believe in those things and hope you find some comfort in it all. Children are so trusting and I truly believe that they are quite perceptive and understanding of some things which we as adults will never understand.
Sue, I still can't post pictures but working on it.
Dot hope things are going well for you.
Have a wonderful day ladies and hope the weather is good to you.
Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi Everyone,
Catching up in all the posts just before i go and see to my dad and give him his tea, i am just finished work and thought i would say Hi to you all. Weather terrible here today more rain think it's to be like it all week. I also didn't know what to think about white feathers but the day i started work again i found one on my drive as i went out the door so i would like to think it means something. I have just changed our car as well i have got myself a mini cooper (not a new one) Derek would have loved one and we even went to see about one when he was ill but decided against it, he always said he would get me one for my 50th never thinking he would not be here for it, so i just decided to go ahead and get one my son helped me, i just love it to drive although i don't go far in it, not to keen on driving. Need to visit dentist again filling came loose again but they are on holiday today try again tomorrow. I have not thought about Christmas yet we just didn't do Christmas last year as Derek died on the 13th of Dec and it was the first year without my mum as well. Hopefully i will have a grandchild this year and make it a bit easier for us all. Speak soon.
Take Care
Fiona xxxxxxx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi everybody

Well well well , i cant believe it , i was supposed to be getting a taxi at 12/30 to pick my daughter up , and although i had been up to the grave earlier on (i was there at 8 in the morning ) at 12'20 i had an incredible urge to go back to the church yard , so o phoned my daughter and told her how i felt , she told me to do what i'd got to do and to phone a taxi when i was ready , so i went to the church yard and straight away i noticed 3 young girls running about , at first i didnt take much notice but after a while i realised they were running from grave to grave and not really staying at one (as everybody else does ) well they walked past me so i asked them what they we're doing , and as one of them had things in there hand i asked where they had got them from . well one went on the defencive straight away and tried to give me what she had got in her hand , i said i didn't want it and would she put it back where she had got it from . I told her if stuff went missing or moved people could really get upset , as i was as something i had put on the grave had gone missing . 2 of them said they hadn't moved anyything but one asked me what had gone missing , when i told her she said the other one had put it on her grandads grave , i asked her if she would show me and she did , The other 2 ran off , so i'm hoping now they have been caught in the act they dont do it again , mean while the basket is getting full with dogs. I do feel better now i know who took it , she cant have been more than 13 , and i'd tried to explain how upsetting it was for people if things went missing , but dont think she took it in , if it hadn;t been for her friend i wouldn't have known where it was .
Any way hope your all ok

Lynne xxxxx

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Fiona glad you got a car sorted. Seems as though you are having a tough time at the minute. Try not to wear yourself out. I hope dad is not too unwell at present. Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

FormerMember over 16 years ago

Hi Lynne,

That was good you found out about the dog. At least she took it to put on another grave not just pure badness or vandalism although still not good to steal and now you know what happened.

Fiona - mini coopers are cool. I really liked one I saw online but decided it would be too small for me, the boys and the dog (although their size is deceptive). Good for you for treating yourself - Derek would have wanted you too and thats what Wully would have wanted for me too. Your grandchild will definitely help this Christmas and keep you busy. It will be tough for all of us this year. Think I will research if their is a pill you can take that will know you out for two weeks :-) To be honest I am dreading both but probably New Year more as we always spent it just the two of us (apart from when we were younger and out partying of course). New Year is a big deal in Scotland - so I will definitely be going to bed early and sleeping through it all. Anyway, enough of Christmas - we will be talking about buying presents shortly :-)

I had a rubbish day today too. Nothing in particular just loads of silly things going wrong. Although one guy at work kept humming the song played at Wully's funeral as he said it was stuck in his head. When I threatened to punch it in for him that quickly stopped him! He wasn't being deliberately hurtful he is just quite immature and didn't think what he was saying. Well off to watch TV and have an early night - really tired today - think I have probably been overdoing it for a few days.

Take care everyone.

Gayle x

More from this forum

My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?