My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Evening Lynne



I'm fine..........hardly had time to draw breath today..........this is the first time I've been able to sit down and read/answer posts/e-mails etc......... Everyone say 'Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh'!!!!!



Lynne I still find it incredible that someone could stoop so low as to take something from a grave........Do you have a place in your garden to plant a special tree/shrub/rose in your hubby's memory.........and put your cuddly there. It will be safe and you'll have somewhere to sit and think............Just a thought!!!!



Love and ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) for you..............



Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I've been looking after 2 of my grandkids tonight Kev they are good company so i can see how your dad likes having Brad , you have a good time .. Dot thats a lovely idea about the garden , i was actually thinking about buying somekind of water feature so i could do something with that , yes i'm still amazed that someone has stollen anything , i'm so wary now about going to the grave i'm scared of what i might find . I always thought everything was safe there , there is some lovely things and they haven't been touched , thats why this feels so personal ..

Lynne xxxxxxxxxxxx

Lynne don't feel like that it's just some low life thinking they are clever.

Kev xx

Evening everyone.

Lynne I`ve got a `memory` rose that Paul`s mum bought for me and I`ve also got his plum tree. One in the front and other in the back garden. Perhaps you could put your little dog with something like that?? When we bury his ashes in the garden of rest it will only have a small stone and vase so will put a few flowers there but also remember him in my garden xxx

Paul`s mum and dad have been round tonight, they look after me. Son out working....in the car!!1 He`s been all over today, waiting for him to get home safely! Daughter`s at a friends over night and I am actually enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine. And a catch up on here of course!!

Tricia, you are doing so well to be back at work with being a nurse. Well done!!!!xxxx

I`ve got to be up early tomorrow, car in for M.O.T at 7.30!! Get me back into practice for next week. Not had to set the alarm for weeks hee hee

Helen xxx

Hi Everyone,

Had a busy day at work and managed to do my first two full days. I am only supposed to do a Monday and Tuesday and work at home the rest of the time so it was a bit of an achievement. I then came home and did all the garden so just sitting relaxing with cup of tea and bar of chocolate (don't tell Weightwatchers!!).

Ailsa, I am glad Chris got to the football. I am sure he had a great time. Wully did too and like you say the people he went with have memories now too.

Lynne, glad you are feeling a bit better about it. Ailsa had some great thoughts on it.

Hi Dot, Patricia, Kaz, Kev, Fiona and Helen. Hope you are doing okay. It was interesting to hear about your counselling Helen. The only reason I would go (at the moment) is to find out more about the last two days but like you said no-one will really have an answer. Wully was "okay" on Saturday morning and had his porridge etc then about 3 hours later he was effectively gone as he was so agitated and angry and not really aware of anything. The hospice didn't have a clue what was going on and it wasn't until the Sunday that they knew he didn't have long but couldn't say whether it was a couple of weeks or days. It turned out he died that night. Like you I wonder if there was anything I would have said or done different but I don't think so. We told each other how much we loved each other every day so what more could we have said? When we knew he was dying I pictured him being very sleepy and dying at home with me and us telling each other all the important stuff but it just didn't work out that way. I spoke to a psychic and she said he was very sorry that he caused me the hurt but he was in a better place and loved me very much. She said he said he was in the bottom of a black depression and wanted to go when he did (which was true - he was the lowest I had ever seen him that week). I don't know whether it was true or not but I took great comfort from it. She said he has like a big blanket wrapped around me all the time protecting me and will stay with me for as long as I want him too.

Are you okay Kev as you seem very quiet? Hope you are doing okay.

Anyway, hope you all have a good evening.

Gayle xxx

Hi Gayle

I think we are answering our own questions aren`t we? Wully`s final day sounds as quick as Paul`s. The psychic must have been comforting xxx Well done at work this week xxx

Kev you have been quiet lately, hope you`re doing ok too

Helen xxx

Gayle, I feel for you. It seems that there is a pattern which people follow. They call it 'terminal agitation'. It does not mean that the time of death can be predicted just that the body is reacting in some way. Ray started to show signs of this on the Friday night prior to his death on the Sunday evening. I remember being asked for permission to give Ray the sedation and analgesia he need via the syringe driver. My rational side tells me that consenting was my only option if he was to be spared extreme pain due to being unable to take oral medication. My irrational side tells me I precipitated his early demise and I have to live with that every day of my life. What makes it worse is that it was a replication of what happened with my mum (not exactly but very similar).
I believe that the last of the senses to go is the hearing and for that reason played his favourite music and told him frequently ow much I loved him and always will. We also told each other every day of our married life (34 years 3 months) that we loved one another. I so miss that cheeky grin and those words which I took so much for granted. Sorry this has turned into a rant.
Take care all. x x

Hi,

It does sound the same as Wully's death. I too had to give permission for him to be sedated which was the hardest thing ever. I had to keep thinking of previous conversations about what he wanted at the end to make sure I did everything the way he wanted. I did tell him I loved him but wasn't sure if he really knew I was there. I remember on the Sunday holding his hand and he did squeeze it very briefly so maybe that means he did know I was there? Life is just so b*****y unfair for us all. I know what you mean about missing the grin and words. I constantly wish I could relive moments and selfishly wish he was still here even if he was ill just so that I could see him and talk to him. Everything around us constantly reminds us of their absence. I still call his mobile all the time to hear his voicemail message and pretend he is busy. I put it in his good suit pocket which I sent to the undertakers. Take care of yourself and feel free to rant!

Gayle xx

Evening Patricia



Don't apologise for having a rant love..............it's better to get it out of your system than to bottle things up to be unleashed when least wanted or needed.............Take comfort from talking to Ray and playing his favourite music - this will have helped him settle and be much calmer............you did all you could for him.........



Comforting (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) for you tonight..........



Dot xxxxxxxxx

Paul went into a sort of sedated state himself the night he died, just semi conscious in his chair. No drugs, didn`t even have his pain killers that night. He literally changed in half an hour from conscious to not. He was at home and no medical staff but had been seen by the doctor that morning. How quickly it all happened. Lovely for him as he wanted to be at home without a fuss but too quick to have time to say goodbye

Sorry for my rant now!!! These are the questions I wanted answered this morning??