Why do I grieve, not for the past, because that was already past
I grieve for what we may have had together in the future
I grieve with racking sobs and immeasurable pain for the loss of him
I grieve because I know that this is not for today for it will last
beyond tomorrow, next week, next month and next year.
The overwhelming need to be with him, if only for a brief minute
frightens me, yet comforts me through my tears, because it means
That I have experienced the depth of love I did not believe existed
And for that I should remember to be grateful, but it still seems
As though there is no tomorrow for me any more, just today
To push myself through, for the sake of others and in memory of him
Not to sound self-pitying or boring others with my pain, so I paint on my face
And I face the world, but inside I feel nothing but emptiness and grief,
and with that word again, I grieve, and I scream to the sky, I want him back
The world is silent, the world we knew is no more, and I feel cast away
on a sea of loneliness, where there is no laughter, nor even fights, just silence
The silence made of grieving and loss.
Whilst others quite rightly gather back their lives and hold their loved ones even closer
I want him home, I want him back, I want to be with him
But in his name and for his memory’s sake I must go on, into a future alone
No one can help me, not family nor friends, for this is one battle I must face
To waken each day, look at the same spot on the ceiling and get on with trying to live
Without him.
Aww bless you AliG55 
it's lovely to see your message, I hope you are doing well.
I always still read the posts and you are right about how difficult the site became when it was 'upgraded' with loads of glitches but it has seriously been my lifeline for the last nearly 3 years!
I was 60 in February. I still work 3x5hours a week and have a decision to make on a pension that has matured. It's doing my head in 
Colin would've had it spent pdq one way or 
another but I'm just baffled with it lol!!
It's nice you and SheilaJ have kept in touch - some old names still pop up in different threads 
, it shows how powerful this forum can be 
I feel I still need the connection here but not as much as as I did in the first 2 years. I still hate Sundays and hate spending so much time on my own but I'm getting back to my old self- slowly but surely xx
Hi, I get all of this. I'm two years in and since the anniversary in February I'm feeling better about things. As you say, we are different people and we have to be as we need to adjust and get on with the lives that we now have. It's still so so hard at times though and we'll never forget our loved ones and what we and they went through throughout their illnesses.
I've reconnected with some family members very recently and have realised that I want and need them in my life. I've also recently moved on a lot of Nic's many collections of stuff. It was very hard to do, but I have to live my own life now and make my home my own. I still have all of Nic's personal things from throughout his life and I treasure them and their memories.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've turned a corner and am kind of happy to move forward on my own. I'm making my own decisions about everything, dealing with the house and all the problems it throws up, and just getting on with it.
I've ordered a headstone finally. It had to be done as Nic's parents' ashes were buried with him and his sister was keen for a permanent reminder for all of them to be in place. She lives in America and this has been very difficult for her, not being able to come over for the funerals due to Covid.
I think that's it for now and apologies for the long message. I guess I needed to get it out.
Best wishes to you all 
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