Wife passed of TNBC last month

I am very sorry to read your post  - it's a shit situation to be in.

There is nothing I can say that will help - but please know that everybody here feels your pain.

I myself struggle every day, but what has helped me a bit is socialization, and company - not that I get a lot of either of those. Other than that, physical activity can also help. So my suggestion is to try to keep moving.

Please investigate what other help is available to you - and, specifically, whether or not you can access any bereavement counselling. That isn't a magic bullet, and you might or might not find it useful - but I think it is worth investigating.

None of us want to be here, but this community is supportive, and talking here can be helpful: at least, this place offers a non-judgemental forum in which to unload. Ultimately, we all have to carry on somehow: we owe that as a duty of love to those we have lost. But it is very, very difficult.

I send you my love and best wishes.

Hello Jp10

So sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband Jay in June 2023 after a 2 1/2 year fight with bowel cancer. I was hardly able to shed a tear after he passed too and I thought it was really odd that it wasn't happening just didn't feel normal because the tears never stopped when he was going through his treatments. He seemed to take it all in his stride and took everything they could throw at him until he could take no more. I was the one I think who was falling apart for both of us. We were together 40 years and it is a shock to they system when that someone who was at your side for all those years is no longer there. So much has happened in those 3 years that he has missed and I haven't been able to share with him. Just keep coming here when you feel you need to we all get it and we're a good bunch who can relate to what one another is going through. Take Care of yourself and best wishes to you. 

Vicky. 

Thanks for replying. I'm getting plenty offers of company, to socialise. As nice as that is, there's only one person I want to spend time with. I'm usually quite active, gym, walking, cycling...but have very little motivation at the moment 

Thanks for replying Vicky. We had so many plans, and things we wanted to.work on, especially as a couple trying to get back better than we ever have been, after what we'd been through. Just feel there was no time to provide any closure on a lot of things. We got on so effortlessly 99% of the time. We just 'got' each other. The timing of when it happened, 2 weeks before we were due to fly to Greece for her birthday, something that we had so being looking forward to. It would have been just what we needed to sit, relax and talk. We did so much together, we were practically joined at the hip. 

That was the same as Jay and I JP we were more or less joined at the hip too. We had so much we still wanted to do but cancer took it all away from us. Such a cruel disease. In the 3 years since he has been gone our son got married and they welcomed a 2nd little girl our 2nd grandchild she will be a year old next month (october). Jay wanted to see our oldest granddaughter start school last year but as I said cancer put paid to that he only got to see the first two years of her life. That was indeed cruel timing for you losing your wife just before a planned holiday. We didn't really go abroad we had a static caravan in Argyll in Scotland where we spent a lot of our time in a beautiful setting really peaceful our little home from home. I had to let it go though when he passed financially it wasn't practical for me to keep going with ground fees utilities etc to pay on my own. It was for Jays retirement but unfortunately we never really got much use out of it because when he retired it was as if it was hospitals, clinics, specialists etc every other day or week and when we did got it was just so he could get a rest away from it all. He worked for 50 odd years solid with hardly a sick day off work retires, and it was like everyday was a hospital day. Just all seems so unfair. Take Care. 

Vicky. 

Jp10 said:

As nice as that is, there's only one person I want to spend time with. I'm usually quite active, gym, walking, cycling...but have very little motivation at the moment 

I fully associate with all of that. You can read my profile for more information about my situation, but my wife died only about a year after we'd both retired. She was all I'd ever had, and we had big plans for many years of further adventures together - but now that's all turned to shit.

I have found this Summer particularly difficult for some reason. I don't want to be here any more - but I know that I have to find ways to carry on. And so do you.

I myself now have zero motivation - but I have found that socialization can (only temporarily!) help with that. So please seek out any opportunities which might help - and say 'yes' to any potentially-helpful offers which might come your way.

I wish everyone here all the very best.

Karen and I loved our holidays. Never anything expensive or too exotic, just loved getting away together. My name is Jason, but Karen always called me Jay! One thing I'm struggling with at the moment, one of many things, is spending money. We both worked and saved for years, but that money is 'ours' not mine. May sound a little strange but hard to explain 

Quite an appropriate phrase....all turned to shit!!! Totally agree.

I know my wife would want me to be happy. She cared more about me than herself. But I felt the same about her. It just feels that all I ever did...work, gym, look after myself, save money....was all for her/us. Now it just feels pointless. I know we all have to find that reason to keep going. I know I'm in the very early stages right now.

Jays proper name was James but everyone- apart from his mum, dad and brother- all knew him as Jay

Hi PTP!

I find it hard to get motivated also have a zero rating there too a lot of the time. I am always ` thinking` of doing things but a whole different story actually `doing` things and as you say the motivation sometimes is just not there even still for me after 3 years. So much I want to do and I get very angry with myself when I don't do what I intended but I know I will get things done eventually ` sometime never` as I say but it will just be when I get round to it. 

Vicky.