Panic attacks back

You stepped on your dogs paw. My error was letting my Collie play with a stick in the Park last Saturday morning. She won't play with a ball. so I bought her these pretend wooden sticks from B & M. It was dirty so I intended washing it , but forgot to take it that day. I threw a long stick for her , but despite it being mainly dry weather for weeks , the stick went into the ground like a Javelin. My girl ran towards the stick with her mouth open and it went down her throat. She yelped and drew back to get it out . I ran up to her and checked her mouth but could not see any blood or any injury. We went home and she seemed Ok. Went on her bed as she always did, Came out an hour later for the carrot they all get after  a walk. Back to her bed again. I went shopping . came back in time for the next walk. The other 3 dogs came to greet me with wagging tails as I came in ,but not Jess. Which was strange . called her to come and she wouldn't move. So had to call the Emergency vet. After some time examining her and then an X-ray to see what the problem was found a tear in one of her tubes. Got her referred to Specialist for Monday soonest. She had CT scans and then they went down her throat to stitch the tear in her Esophagus . She has perked up now she's home and the meds are kicking in. But it has cost £6,000+ and practically cleared my Bank . Because I never got round to getting her insured. She is worth it . And all that goes through my head is if only I could have paid whatever it cost for my Dear Hubby to still be here or that I would have traded her life for his. And why can't I do anything right ? Why did my Hubby have to suffer so long? Why has our lives been so shit with him being so ill for so many years ?  The guilt that I did such a stupid thing as to cause her injury by throwing a Bloody stick. The guilt that I couldn't save my Hubby ...that I didn't do enough etc. that will never go away ,no matter how much anyone tells me it's not my fault. I think they are going to try the EMDR or something similar with me and I'm dreading that , but I can't see any other way to move forward. 

I am so glad your collie is ok. The vet’s fee sound’s horrendous, but I would have done the same. I haven’t got pet insurance either, I must sort it. We have all had so much to cope with. It will be 2 years on Tuesday, I don’t actual know how I have got through it. Emotionally, I know I haven’t. Certain elements have improved, but the intensity of the loss hasn’t. 

I am a bit late to this but I do sympathise with you, I have too have suffered panic attacks, these were especially bad when my husband was first diagnosed especially at night, thankfully my anxiety meds are keeping them at bay and I seem to be coping ok but it’s a thin line I think to be pushed over especially with something like an anniversary.  II am yet to get to a year but I had his birthday and two of my children’s birthdays recently and they were definitely challenging!

 I do hope you get the help you need, I know I am lucky as I don’t carry any guilt about Grants passing, he had pancreatic cancer which is normally fast and painful but it wasn’t like that for him and we got time together that we never thought we had, the doctors did everything they could to save him he was never in pain and died peacefully at home with us looking after him surrounded by love - we did all we could - i am extremely grateful for this as I know how traumatic many of you have had it.  

to the lady with the injured collie I hope your puppy is ok, I feel your pain - my 5 year old Romanian rescue needs both hips replacing her first op is on September 8th, she has been my rock Since Grant died and she was his furry angel - am so scared of losing her too!

Aww Breton. So happy you're dog is ok they're our wee companions at the end of the day. As you say it's things like this I think make us more aware of being on our own now the slightest little thing (although what happened to Jess wasn't slight) and it feels like a nightmare when maybe before you partner or spouse was there and they were able to come up with a reasonable solution to whatever issue you were faced with. And I agree about having a shit life when they were ill. It all just seemed so unfair that the good people you and your partner thought you were get a raw deal and those who are just out for themselves and always on the take if you like get to live a life happy as Larry. Yes lots of `ifs` and `whys' too if only I had done this or why didn't I do that and you do you just feel the guilt all the time and then people tell you it wasn't your fault that they passed and nothing could be done but your mind is always replaying it sometimes. Take Care.

Vicky x