Funeral aftermath

You did well to get through it. We had discussed many years ago that neither of us wanted a Funeral. Knowing that neither of us would cope very well. And we aren't/weren't religious. We opted for Cremation without any fuss. Just the thought of falling apart in Public made us cringe. I do understand that for some it can be a comfort and brings some sort of closure ..Each to their own. As for how we manage the rest of our Lives without our Special Person. I wish I knew myself. Half of me left with mine. The Happy, Funny , Mischievous and optimistic side . He made me whole and although I can be an independent person because I've had to be strong. I did depend on him for a lot of things. His opinion, although we didn't agree on everything, we did agree on  many things. Its been 15 long months now , and all I want is to go back to the time he hadn't been so ill. To do things differently and change the outcome, but I know its too late for that now. I moved house 3 months after he died, and so there has and still is a lot to do, which I am trying to focus on . I have been taking one day at a time. Trying to do something constructive , anything to give my grieving brain some respite from the overwhelming thoughts and emotions. I still listen to Bereavement podcasts now and then. //our dogs force me to go for walks otherwise I would stay in the safety of this House I cannot yet call home. 

Well done for getting through the day. It was lovely for Stuart's work colleagues to attend. When it was Jay's funeral he asked that a couple of his work colleagues carry him into the crematorium there were two who he worked with and asked me to ask them to carry him in but ended up phoning them himself from his hospital bed to ask them. I remember one actually breaking down crying over the phone when he phoned him I was there when he made the call and he couldn't apologise enough when he saw me at the funeral but it was all very acceptable. I really can't remember everyone who came to Jays funeral but like you I saw a few faces from the past mostly people Jay had known. So glad for you that everything went the way you wanted to make Stuarts send off the best it could be. Just take things a day at a time for now and just continue to lean on family and friends and accept any offers of help. It will be hard to navigate life without him just now but you will find a way through and you will know yourself when you feel a shift in things as time goes on just now things will still very surreal and strange but you know to come here when you think things are out of sorts or don't feel normal we've all been there and there will be someone who can relate to what you are going through. Take Care of yourself.

Vicky x

Thank you for your support. I can’t imagine moving home yet. I have an ex wife of 36 years divorced and three grandchildren, who are loyal to her, to navigate. She came to the funeral and cried all the way through. I had done my crying during the 20 months of this cruel illness. He had not wanted family to visit and had not told the grandchildren about his illness. She told all and sundry that she and the grandchildren had only found out through Facebook that Stuart had died. I can understand it was a shock but I had to respect what his wishes.  His brother visited the last week of his life. I didn’t tell him he was visiting as he would have said No. I received a text later saying he was embarrassed for people to see him like this. It was a difficult balancing act at the end. 

The funeral is a hurdle, one that you have managed to navigate. Now the real hard work starts. You will find you are still quite numb, things seem surreal. I had brain fog for many weeks, every decision was too hard, every phone call was difficult to make. Take any help that's offered, sadly it won't last very long, so make the most of it while it's there. Don't try to think ahead. One day at a time, or one hour if that's the best you can manage. Do whatever you feel up to doing, some days you'll achieve something, other days are just tears and tv. Be kind to yourself.Don't have expectations, you will do this your way, and at your speed. The grief coach Julia Samuel recommends allowing yourself to be 'in your grief' but also trying some distraction when you can. This is how I've managed the 10 months since David died. The distractions might only last five minutes at first, but they do help, and I find I can be distracted for longer now. I still have days when I cry all day. Take it very slowly, and come on here when you need a friend who gets it. I am so thankful to have found the lovely caring people here. Sometimes it's just too hard explaining to the 'real' world just how this feels.  Sending you a big hug xx

Ive had a cry most of the day today, generally had a rubbish week so im extra sensitive and floored by a power cut. Thank goodness my neighbour took control and helped identify the culprit, which was the washing machine. But still i cried, a lot, Tony would have sorted it. Now its a new washing machine. 

So one baby step at a time is all I can say xx

Well done for getting through the funeral. The support is great, but then they all go home and that is when the reality hits. I remember thinking, ‘My life has vapourised, right in front of me’. That was a lot to take in, and process as I then had to start on the legal crap and support our adult children. I was completely exhausted mentally and physically, but found it really hard to relax as I was having terrible flashbacks and nightmares. I decided that I would, ‘Just go with it’. The grief had a mind of its own, and I had to let it in. That was the best choice ever, as repressed grief can be really damaging. Rest when you can, eat when you can, put yourself first, if you can. Try and keep coming on this forum, the support really helped. It is just over 2 years for me, and I now have some quality of life. The grief attacks still happen, just not as often. Sending hugs, Kate.

Very True Kate. 

The grief does still hit even for me after 3 years but like you said it's not as bad as in the beginning. I have moved on be it very slightly but I feel I have and yes I have learned `to go with the grief also`. Still have my F**k It days/weeks now and again and just go with them  now but know they will pass and I can move on again. There is no `one size fits all` in grief and it can affect us all differently. 

Vicky x

I am glad the funeral went well for you, it is definitely an overwhelming experience and something a surreal occasion it is still comforting to know that people came to say their goodbyes to my special person.

People do handle things differently, my husband was very open and inviting to others during his illness but my Dad who has throat cancer and is under going treatment would rather have no one visit as you said you have to respect their wishes.

8 months in for me and i definitely feel it is less raw but still have an identity crisis trying to work out who I am without him, the good in the world is becoming more apparent for me and I am trying to say yes sometimes to things that feel safe - mainly with family and friends, I have just come back from Rome with my 18 year old youngest and we had a lovely time we spoke of his Dad often and ate our way round the sites - Grant wanted me to enjoy life after he had gone and I will keep trying. Good luck and keep talking it definitely helps.

• Vicki 

I agree with you Vicki that is one of the things when you lose your partner/spouse trying to work out where you fit in now or who you are. I sometimes find that myself and can't actually put myself into any category and yes you now have to think sometimes of going to places on your own but as you say ok if its with family or people you know. I've not been any holidays on my own I'm a little nervous of travelling a distance on my own. Yep talking definitely helps and good we have here to come to. 

Vicky x