Podcasts with Karen Sutton. My Husband died- now what ?

Amazes me how people really cannot see that we are still struggling. We may look OK.on the outside ,but I won't pretend I'm Ok. I try not to be too miserable in other people's company. I don't want to bring anyone else down. I try to keep busy. Others who haven't been or going through this can only imagine some of the things we are feeling. I feel I have withdrawn into myself. What's the point of going over what happened and how bad I feel. Nobody really wants to know anyway. I gave still a lot to sort out . Since moving 3 months after I lost my Dear Hubby. There are still lots of boxes to go through properly ,give stuff away . Perhaps sell some items. And donated more to charity. I'm having a few new UPVC windows out in so I can get the bedrooms decorated and hopefully more organised. I feel stuck and need to get the house sorted ,then I might be able to start doing Hobbies again.I have had some counselling ,but certainly not enough ,and not really been taught how to cope. 6x 1 hour calls with Cruse which were helpful ,then nothing . I feel like I'm just left  hanging ,not knowing what to do next . So I'm concentrating on getting jobs done. Especially getting this house insulated and warm for next Winter . My bills were so high . And I'm just getting straight with money. I try anything to help me get through the day. Nights are much more difficult. I really don't know what the answer is to how we can make this grieving easier. The first year was bad enough. But this 2nd year is like a punch in the guts. The realisation that this is it. I still have to stop and think ..he's really never coming back. And that's all I want . How did I let this happen? Why couldn't I stop him leaving me ,? Sounds like you are much younger than me . I'm so glad I am retired. I would find it so difficult to put a brave face on . I cry every day and have done since my loss. Over a year of this miserable existence . Just taking each day at a time . 

Nobody really wants to know how bad it really gets. Nobody ever mentions my Hubby's name .My siblings didn't when I went to family gatherings without him for more than a decade. I have no interest in going to anymore gatherings. I feel like a spare part. I didn't enjoy going without him anyway . I always had to get one of our sons to stay with him while I went . I can't stand to see everyone with their partners . Envy and Anger are terrible feelings ,but I can't help feeling them now My Best half has gone for good.  

I'm still tempted to make a small pond ,but I will leave it for now. I don't need an extra job. I'm going to get the back looking more like a garden. More dog friendly. And get decorated inside as the bedrooms are just shabby . I will be glad when the new windows are  in and I can get the bedrooms as I want them ,with more storage and less clutter. I hope you haven't hurt yourself too bad . One of my son's dogs bit me a month ago. Partly my fault. I had a tetanus jab a few years ago ,so didn't go to the docs. It seems to have healed Ok.  I wish I didn't constantly dream about the past so much. My sleep is the same ,It's enough that I think about him practically every waking moment. It's exhausting. I hope for better days for all of us. Cx 

Horror is the right word for this. I'm trying so hard, I'm really fighting to stay afloat, but it's such a struggle and I feel so alone. I've told friends and family how I feel but still they stay at a distance. I know they don't know what to say but I've told them just say anything, just talk to me, don't ignore me, but still they expect me to make the first move, and I just can't. 

It seems to me that almost everyone has backed off, just one friend who sticks with me. Maybe it's my fault? I'm becoming a drag. This has been a truly awful week, on my own every day, and not likely to see anyone next week. Both our birthdays early July, so that's looming over me too. Oh dear, this is such a whinge ... no wonder they've all given up on me! 

Oh! Spirit ,you really aren't alone in feeling this way. I think most of us are in the depth of depression since losing the one we loved most. I know I am ,and I don't say much to family because they just say " He wouldn't want you to feel like this " How the hell can we stop feeling like this when half of us is gone.? Nobody really understands unless they are going through this. I was the same when April and May were drawing near. I knew it was going to be difficult and upsetting.. Thinking that this  time last year in April he was still here ,though very ill. Not realising just how close to leaving me he was. He pretended to be Ok .just so he wouldn't go in hospital. I wish I had just called for an Ambulance instead of going to the rubbish Doctors we had in Scotland. All appeared to be Locums who I later realised were not experienced enough to look for the reasons behind what he was going through. This plays on my mind constantly. Deep down I knew he was deteriorating and yet I thought with medication I could keep him safe at home, respect his wishes. and get him better as well as he was ever going to be . As I had before. But I was wrong this time and I can't forgive myself for that. Anyway sorry back to you . Family and friends are  walking on  eggshells with us. They don't know what to say. And often they say the wrong thing. My elder sister is my biggest support and yet she shies away from discussing or saying too much. She has said the wrong thing many times ,but I don't say much,though she knows from the look on my face. Perhaps it's the same with those around you. But the fact is we need to voice and let out our thoughts. I wish we could all support one another better than this . Don't think you are whining. We don't see it as that. We are hurting badly. And knowing that the significant days are looming we dread how we are going to fall apart. I certainly did. April was maybe the worst month with all our Birthdays and Anniversary. But May ..the date he left me Was like a punch in the stomach. A whole year passed . I couldn't bear to look at the look around the time he took his last breath. I held it together in front of family ,but it was excruciating  I didn't remind anyone ,they actually remembered. It will be very upsetting for you and I hope you will have extra support on those days you dread. I'm sorry you are spending too much time alone to dwell on your loss and the grief we are left with. If only we were all closer and could support each other in person.. Pour out your feelings on here as much as you need to. Despite knowing some are just a phone call away this is still a lonely place we exist in.Surely in time things must get better. Thinking of you . Cx 

They genuinely don’t understand. How can they ? It has truly been the most challenging experience of my life, and every day I have to ground myself to face the day ahead. I can literally lose hours and hours in this haze. I make myself move, and try and do a minimum of 5 things a day. Today, it has lifted. Thank goodness. Sending hugs, Kate.xxx