Hopeless

Thankyou Breton, I will try the podcasts. Yesterday the grief totally overwhelmed me, I couldn't settle to anything. I ate rubbish and watched too much tv. A very bad day. It's hard to want a future on my own. I seem to spend so much time alone now. I used to think I was quite self sufficient and happy to be on my own; how wrong I was. Now I get scared and panicky, next thing I'm sobbing hysterically. I just want to cope better. 

I know spirit, I used to think I was strong, resilient, independent but im none of those things without Tony. He was my life. I do like my own company to a degree but not when it seems endless. Im dreading the bank holiday weekend, 4 days of seeiing noone. Maybe ill do some sorting out, not Tonys things, but mine, clothes, medi ine cupboard, that sort of thing.

I was just thinking the same about the bank holiday. The seafront here will be full of people, I can't face that. Every day I tell myself to find things to do, but I end up in front of the tv again. I feel worse than I did at the beginning. I'm grateful David isn't having to endure this aching lonliness, but I don't know how to face a future that seems so empty. Thankyou for understanding Malengwa, although I wish none of us had to be here. x

I have been very restless too recently. I want to cry or scream but for some reason both won't come out. Yes like you too Spirit thought I was quite self sufficient and happy on my own but sometimes it can be a bit monotonous but what can you do when some days you just do not have the incentive to do something about it or you don't have your other half to go places with or plan things with. I am constantly now 2nd judging myself if I am making the right decisions on certain things then when I do make a decision constantly worry if I have made the right one or if things will turn out ok. 

That's exactly how I feel. So lonely I could scream, uncertain, indecisive. I feel like a spare part, never the one people really want to be with, just the one they pity. I miss being loved. I don't feel loved any more. I wish I could see how this will get better, but I don't believe it will. Perhaps you just get used to feeling this way. I don't know what I'm meant to be working towards. There doesn't seem to be any light at the end of this tunnel.

I get the spare part bit. You just don't feel like you belong anywhere anymore where you were once part of a couple of its just you now. People try to be so well meaning and say `oh you should try doing this/that` when really sometimes you just don't want to be doing anything. Yes it can be a lonely existence but good job we have here to come where everyone gets how you feel. 

• I thought I might be able to cope better being away with my sister , but it was very difficult. As you can imagine Venice was full of Lovers and  couples holding hands . A Romantic place to be for them, but for singles it is so sad and heart wrenching wishing our Special person was with you. Oh! my dog did it really hit home what I have lost.  Forever . I had to do such a lot on my own as my Hubby couldn't walk too far due to the chronic pain from his spinal injury. And he was getting progressively weaker. Yes I know that feeling of Panic. I was taking Valerian every 4 hours to keep calm. One day I forgot to put them in my bag and I was in a terrible state when we had taken the boat bus to the Island of Murano . I cried through a lot of the evening meal. I want to scream so often. And when the thoughts and images start rushing around in my head I could really scream, and sometimes I cry out a little and it sounds like I have Tourettes . Shocking my sister as she thinks I've hurt myself. I wish we could do more to help each other ,its such a shame we aren't in a real group able to meet up and support each other and have a chat to help with the loneliness . I have to be careful in the house because I could really scream loud ,but the neighbours might come running round or just think I'm totally Mental. Sometimes I feel like I am. 

Just found out from whatsapp that both my kids are away for the weekend. Neither bothered to tell me or ask if I'd be on my own. Were we this selfish when we were younger? I talked to my mum nearly every day after my dad died. I feel ashamed of them. And let down. Life can be so very cruel.

I just think they don't  think about how bad it is for bereaved parents. They are so engrossed in their own lives and wants.I suppose if they work they just want to use their spare time doing the things they enjoy. Without much thought for us.  I have our youngest staying here just now as he hasn't had enough work and he wasn't able to find a place he could afford or be allowed to have two dogs. + he has a live in dog walker / sitter. He starts a new job he's been studying for in August ,hopefully it will be better and more regular than what he's been doing. We lead separate lives anyway ,but I suppose I am really going to miss him when he moves out. Our other son the Eldest is in Scotland where his youngest two live. We haven't seen him since Christmas . He's been going through a bad time and so rarely rings . He says he is coming down this month ,but nothing planned yet. Probably when his eldest two come up from Yorkshire so they can meet here part way. I'm very not got much done today ,felt so tired after travelling yesterday and not sleeping well. Hopefully I will have more energy and dare I say it motivation to do something tomorrow. I speak to my Mum each week , though we don't have much to say as she rarely goes out and neither do I. And she is worried about me crying on the phone I think ,so she doesn't seem to want to speak for long. You gest son said I need to go stay a night ,but I really don't feel like going despite it being less of a journey now I live closer. I know I must go ,but  it takes me all my time to summon the energy to go shopping or walk the dogs never mind anything else. 

I think it's a Son thing . Our youngest didn't often phone when he was younger. But I think when all his friends he made when he lived in London went back to their Parents in New Zealand and Australia he realised that we were his only family. And he moved closer. Or called more often.We had moved nearer the eldest Lad in Scotland so we could see his youngest Children more and for me to have a bit of support with his Dad . Although it ended up being the other way . Us supporting both of them. Each one came back to live with us,not so much out of choice ,but necessity. The youngest lost work in lockdown. and then the eldest split with his partner. So it was a difficult few years apart from other reasons. I think Daughters tend to be closer to Mum's sometimes and think more . It's the case in our family anyway. I know not all are the same . But the men seem to go along with what the Wife/Partner does. I had to remind my Hubby to call or go see his Mother. She wasn't very nice to me ,but I knew she missed him calling . We did go on holiday with her once ,but it wasn't enjoyable for me ,She was a very Selfish Woman and I chose not to go away with her again. She found some friends who she had lots of good holidays with.