My husband passed last Saturday - I'm lost

AlisonMax said:

we lived every day to the full, in his last couple of weeks he never said why me, he just kept saying it not fair.

I have pondered things like this a lot.

My wife was a brilliant stoic. She never complained about anything, even though she was going through hell: the most she ever said in her final couple of months was that she felt 'unlucky.' Unlucky!

I am nowhere near as strong or resilient as my wife was but, when things are getting on top of me now, I try to use her as a role model. I don't necessarily do very well at that, but I think that she provides a brilliant role model for anybody. And I am very lucky to have known her.

I was speaking to another old acquaintance of mine whose wife died only a few months after receiving a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. He mentioned that, in the first week after her diagnosis, she went through a phase of saying 'why me?' But she soon turned that around into 'well, why not me?' Her thinking was that, since the disease essentially just randomly strikes some percentage of the population, it's got to be someone - and, in this case, it was her. That's a really advanced way of looking at it and, once she had made that transition, she just got on with things, and enjoyed what she knew would be her final days. So she provides another role model for all of us.

Of course, while I know all of this is rationally true, it is very hard to put those same ideas into practice. But I know that we have to try.

Well Alison you sound like a braver Lady than I am. We had discussed long ago that we both wanted to be cremated and no service . Neither of us are /(were ) religious and I don't think we could have faced being on Public show crying our eyes out and falling apart. He was bad enough when his Mum died . And I wasn't great either even though there was no love lost between us as she was such a Selfish  & spiteful person . even with her own son. But I'm so soft I cry when anyone I know dies. I couldn't have had the ashes in the house either . I know it gives some people comfort ,but not me .  Of course you are struggling to look at it , it's bound to be upsetting. My friends had their Hubbies ashes , but it's not for me . Yes, I ask this often . There are so many Evil Humans ,but it seems the good ones suffer most and don't deserve that. And it is so very painful to witness it and feel so B. helpless , that's what I found so traumatic . watching My dear Hubby go through so much pain after all the good he did as a Fireman for all those years . It's Sickening ! We all need to rant sometimes . I still fall apart now and cry every single day. Oh! how I wish we could have our time together back. 

That was us too Angela

We always looked upon ourselves to be honest good living people and looking out for others and then Jay got taken. Someone who worked 50 odd years with hardly a sick day off and then retires only to be hit by a daily barage of hospital appointments, specialists etc he just never got to enjoy his retirement. Jay was the same would do anything for anybody and was generous with his time to a fault sometimes worked more or less 24/7 just for his greedy boss to line his pockets and he got next to nothing in return not even a retirement do. And the best about it was Jay helped his boss set up in business again after his previous company failed it began with the two of them working non stop to get established again. Jay wasn't a partner or anything just an employee but for all he did for that swine still makes me angry his boss couldn't even find the time to come to his funeral but two of his workmates were there to carry his coffin into the crematorium as Jay told me before he passed he wanted them to do it and they kindly obliged. This is the norm I think unfortunately too. People just disperse after a while and leave you to get on with it and just got back to their own lives the phone stops ringing and the texts stop pinging etc. Sometimes a wee phone call can make your day. 

xx

I talk to Tonys ashes still, so I suppose it does bring me comfort. He never complained, never said Why me just said it wasnt fair on me being left behind. Sadly cancer is no respector of anything including how lovely you are as a person. Its a pain we just bear for ever, even if it softens over time. Perhaps it is because we are nice people that we care the most and invest the most in our love for our partner. Who knows?

I yearn for one more day with him, but then Id still have to say goodbye wouldnt I? 

I have noticed that I dont sob every day now, a few tears but not the uncontrollable sobbing that was before.

Onwards we go. 

Perhaps you could get in touch with the DWP and ask if you are entitled to claim some of your Husbands pension. They used to call it Widows Pension ,but changed the wording ..probably so we wouldn't be aware we could claim it after losing our spouse. I did ask about it when I checked to ask if I had informed them of my change of address . And the girl said she would look in to it , but of course she never got back to me and I have been such a mess and so forgetful with lots to sort out still I didn't take it further . They say that there are so many unclaimed benefits but, unless you are in the know or know someone is and claim everything going then the Government keep hold of it and are probably giving it to " The Boat people " who have never paid a penny in like us who have worked hard for a living.                          And yes People do seem to think we should be over it in a certain length of time . Losing a Special Person ,Partner , Spouse , Child or Parent is something we never actually get over . I remember my friend telling me years ago that a work colleague who had lost her Husband and her friend had met up for drinks. The Lady got upset and her friend also started crying as she had lost a daughter only 6 months previous. My friend said she told her she should be over it after 6 months. I was shocked . And I said to her 6 months was nothing and the pain of her loss would still be raw and she would never get over it. Needless to say my friend has no Children and she had not lost her Husband until many years later . She might have realised then just how bad it can be to lose someone so close. My friend has lost a lot of family members over the years including her Mum when she was only in her twenties . I wonder if she had perhaps become a little hardened . Some people don't really feel a lot of Empathy though I have found .   I am trying not to think of the future years of feeling this much pain after my greatest loss. 

It's the phrase 'moving on' and 'moving forward' that I hate. Moving on to what exactly? A sad, lonely future without the person you love? A life of not being cared for or loved or needed? Why would anyone want to move on to that? Where are you meant to be headed when the worthwhile meaningful part of your life is behind you? I don't want to move on. I know I can't go back to my life with my darling, but I don't want to move any further away from it. I'm in limbo, I think. I just feel lost. 

I feel the same just lost.  Just unsafe unstable lost.  

Sometimes I start to think about when we had an argument and what a waste of time it was.  Maybe if I hadnt shouted that time the world wouldn't have done this to us.  Its silly I know. 

It's all 'if only' and 'what if' now. And a lot of 'what's the point'. I try hard to be thankful for all the good years, but memories of the bad times come crowding in and spoil the happy ones. For the first weeks and months I couldn't see a future; now all I see is one that looks bleak and scary. I think I was better off not seeing further than tomorrow. 

I agree Spirit. I hate when people say that. I feel stuck, in Limbo  I feel like I want something to change , for me to get out of this Black hole . I never imagined I would be moving house without him. I knew he wasn't well , but then he hadn't been well for such a long time. I imagine him stuck somewhere . Is his spirit /soul whatever is it left behind when the shell has gone ? I'm not religious , but I feel there is a soul . 

Me too. We always used to say that when you die that's the end, but I'm not so sure now. How can a person just disappear and leave nothing of themselves behind? The essence of a person isn't in the visible physical body after all. You can't see love, but you know it's there. I've always been a cynic but I'm starting to feel differently. I suppose people would say I'm.gullible because I'm grieving, but I think I'm just more open minded now.