My husband passed last Saturday - I'm lost

Hi Vicky

Thank you for your kind thoughts, as I posted to Maengwa, it went really well as funerals go. I think Jack would have loved it.

Life does feel surreal just now, I guess I need to find my new normal! I've not been eating properly and have been drinking too much wine just to try to take away the numbness and emptyness... I need to get a grip of myself and try to get new routines and get healthy, Jack would have hated me being this lost.

I hope you're ok and life is being kind to you

Take care xxx 

You've done so well getting back to work so soon. I know for some people it helps to occupy your mind and try to get back into some sort of routine. And also needs must if you depend on your wage. It's a big shock to have just your income . I have to be much more careful with Money now. It has been an expensive few months and I need to start budgeting better. This house needs a lot doing to get better insulated for next Winter ,so I really need to start saving . It's an even bigger shock getting our heads around what has happened and I'm still trying to come to terms with as I've just marked all the firsts.. W. Anniversary ,Birthdays Last month. And this month the greatest loss I've ever known. Don't be surprised at the many different emotions which will overwhelm you as you go forward trying to process what has happened and how your life has now changed forever. Have you asked for Counselling ? I hope you can fit it in alongside work and everything else that needs to be done. I hope you get all the support you need from friends and family. There are many Podcasts you can listen to which can be very helpful ..Some of the Ladies who are coaches are Widows themselves and so they are speaking from experience which makes a big difference from those who have learnt things from a book. Karen Sutton is very good. As is Linda Falasco, Krista St Germain  I find very good ,though you don't need to join their members group which like The Widow coach which seems expensive. Although I'm sure is very helpful. But they all talk about the things we can expect to go through and it helps to know we aren't going mad ,especially when we aren't getting enough sleep and the thoughts are ruminating constantly. I certainly thought it was just me . I have experienced panic attacks which I wasn't expecting. As well as anger,jealousy and of course devastating Sadness. There are lots of other Podcasts on You tube and you will find the ones which resonate with you . I think we've all had Problems with our diets  I couldn't eat anything at first and the weight fell off. I started eating a bit better when I saw how haggard I was becoming with my clothes hanging off me. I still eat rubbish sometimes ,but trying to eat healthier. We need to try look after ourselves cos' this grief is Exhausting. Drinking isn't the answer ,neither is eating vast amounts of chocolate which I do. I would perhaps have tried drink ,but it just makes me ill so I rarely drink Alcohol at all. Take care of yourself and look for all the help you need ..it's a difficult road we are now trying to navigate . 

Hi Alison

Im glad the funeral went well, I find I do get some confort from how many people were there and commented on it. 

You have done well to return to work. I went back 2 months after Tony died but know now that it was far too soon for me. I had lots of support when I was caring for Tony but now am not getting enough and Im finding it hard. But I also know taking more time off is not the solution. 

You kind of do what you need to, to get through these early months. Like breton, Ive listened to various podcasts, there is a separate thread about that. I find it helpful to understand that what Im feeling is quite normal and Im not mad. 

And yes, sometimes I still cant fathom that I wont ever see Tony again. Gruef is exhausting and only those experiencing it really undersrand just how much.

Keep chatting when you want to. Hugs

Hi Breton

I help run a small company, so needed to get back to work for us all to keep getting paid, I am finding it good in a way for the distraction but also finding it hard concentrating.   Financially I don't really have much choice as I still have a mortgage and all that goes with it.  It is scary just having 1 wage coming in and like you I'll need to start being careful.

I've not really thought about counselling, however, I have signed up to an online group session with a grief counsellor, Julia Samuel, who I came across on Instagram, Its next wednesday, so I'll see how that goes.  I'll have a look on Youtube too. I've not had panic attacks but I'm finding when I'm due to go out anywhere I'm getting very anxious, which isn't like me, but Jack & I went everywhere together, so I'm guessing it's a reaction to having to go alone. 

I've been looking at lots of photos of us in happier times and I feel that's helping a bit, although it makes me sad there will be no more new memories to make and we won't be able to groi old together. 

Look after yourself Breton and if you need the choclate have it, just watch out for Diabetes!

Take care xx

Hi Malengwa

I didn't have much choice about coming back to work, running a small company we need to keep the work coming for us all to get paid, it is a good distraction though!

I'm struggling most at night after I've finished work and settling down to watch TV, I'm just so used to Jack being there and talking, I'm really missing that.  I have been thinking of what hobbies I can take up that I've not done for ages to see if that will help. I'll look out for some podcast & see if that helps.

Your so right though grief is exhausting, I keep having these thoughts about what I'm goin gto do with my time and then I end up bindge watching a tv series lol

I hope you can get more support, try not to struggle on your own. I'm even finding social media is helping, I'm on a couple of cancer support groups and it's helping talking to others in the same position.

Take care Malengwa and thank you for chatting with me.

Sendign hugs back to you xx

I'm good for now Alison. Thanks for your kind thoughts.

Vicky xx

Yes, that is one of the BIG changes when you lose your partner/spouse you lose a chunk of income. Like most of you are saying you just need to budget or `cut the cloth` as my old dad used to say but my `cloth` is getting more threadbare by the day as much as you try there is always something cropping up. I'm just about managing but this is when you do actually find out how much the cost of living is indeed rising. A few wee pence here and there is a big thing when you're on your own. 

Vicky xx

Yes, my son keeps telling me I'm asking for Diabetes. My Husband was Diabetic 2 which seemed to be under control. But then he had so many ailments and didn't complain much so how would I know . ? But I did watch his diet and he ate pretty healthy once I had got him eating regular meals . And choosing healthy options.I wish I could look at the photos more ,but it upsets me so much . And I cry too much as it is. Photos of happier times do keep popping up on memories on my phone and Laptop, so I can't avoid them altogether. I was always taking pics. if him with the dogs. I wish we had got someone to take more photos of us together ,but I hate my Photo taking as I'm not at all photogenic.As my Hubby was so ill for do long I mostly went out alone with the dogs, shopping  and to some family get togethers while one of our sons stayed with him. So that's not the reason I get the panic attacks ,they aren't as bad as they were ,but I do take Valerian to keep me stable . Without them I am often overwhelmed with the waves of grieve that come often without warning. I'm down for that session with Julia Samuel next Wednesday I think. She is good ,but hasn't lost her Husband so Even though she is very Empathetic ,I don't feel she really knows how bad the loss of a Spouse really hits us. Which is why I prefer to listen to someone who has been through this and how they've coped with what our loss really entails. Have a listen to the ones I've mentioned. Some of the American Women can be a bit too much. Laughing away . Which I can't cope with. I am a long way off being able to feel Joy or Happiness yet. In fact I've never been so miserable in all my Life.  Let's hope we all find ourselves in a Better place someday soon. 

AlisonMax said:

I've not been eating properly and have been drinking too much wine just to try to take away the numbness and emptyness... I need to get a grip of myself and try to get new routines and get healthy

I can associate with that. I have to be pretty careful with the booze - it can temporarily numb the pain and, often, it's the only way I can get to sleep. But I know that it's not a long-term solution.

I also know that my wife was worried that I might turn to it after her death - she mentioned it to some of her friends, who have since mentioned it to me.

Oh well. We all know that we have to try to find ways to productively carry on.

All the best to everybody here.

PattyK said:

Yes, that is one of the BIG changes when you lose your partner/spouse you lose a chunk of income.

That came as an unexpected shock to me too. I mean, I obviously should have expected it but, still ... I guess it's one thing knowing it in theory, but another one dealing with it in reality.

It also seems tough that the person left behind is entitled to get nothing from their partner's state pension, when that person reaches state pension age. But that's the way it is.

On this subject, and in case anybody here is unaware: if your spouse dies before you have reached state pension age (as happened in my case) then you are entitled to a bereavement payment. It's not much, but it helps. I specifically mention this since it doesn't seem very well publicised, and I don't think people in our position necessarily find out about it in time to make a claim.

For the detail, see www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment