My husband passed last Saturday - I'm lost

I am so sorry you are in this terrible pain. It is truly horrific at times. My husband also tried to act normal. He would put on three layers of clothes, so people wouldn’t see the weight loss. I could not get him to go the Doctor’s. We had some terrible rows about it. He insisted it was Long Covid, but I knew differently. It wouldn’t have made any difference as it was too late, but we didn’t know that at the time. I was so, so hard. Kate.xxx

I know what your mean Breton, my husband went downhill really quickly in his last couple of weeks and we did nip at each other a bit, but we both knew it was the pain and the stress that was causing that.   I'm sorry you are struggling so much, your husband would have known you were struggling too, don't beat yourself up about not feeling closer, you were there for him when he needed you most and watching your soulmate fade is the hardest thing in the world.  I'm still feeling in limbo at the moment, I need to get some kind of routine going and start looking after myself, cut out the wine and start eating healthy.  You take care too xx

Hi Vicky

Thank you for your kind words and advice. 

Your husband went through a horrendous time, watching him suffer so much must have been so hard for you. Our stories are very similar, in that my husband wanted to stay at home and thankfully he was only in the hospice for the last 15 hours. In my head I keep seeing him how he was when he passed and it is heartbreaking, he was such a handsome man, who took pride in his appearance and I miss him so much. My brother and sister-in-law live not far from me and have been fantastic but I think it's only people who have been through this themselves that truly understand how painful this is. I'm not too bad when I'm with people but when I'm on my own, especially at night the floodgates open, think i must have shares in Kleenex by now.

I will drop by for a chat, you have all been so kind and understanding

Alison x

Thank you PTP

It is a horrible situation to be in and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  It is helping me to read all your messages and learn how you are all dealing with this.

It's all so raw at the moment, I've spent most of the last week making funeral arrangements and dealing with paperwork. I'm going to see my husband today at the funeral parlour and in a way I want to see him but in a way I'm so sad and not looking forward to it.

I'll keep visiting the site, thank you again for your advice.

You are a braver person than me . I couldn't do that. When our eldest son came to the Hospital he wanted to see his Dad after he had passed. I said he didn't need to and should remember him as he was last seen.I didn't want it to have a bad effect on him. It certainly has on me . I constantly relive the last moments , last breath. But everyone is different . I hope it is the right thing for you .   Perhaps someone can go with you and wait for you to bring you back home . x

Hi Alison, how are you after visiting your husband? I went to see mine 3 times, once on my own ( with a friend waiting outside), once with my daughter and once with my sil. Im glad I did, I know its not for everyone but talking to him, going through the funeral order of service with him, helped me get through it. 

The funeral and paperwork is exhausting but keeps you busy. I did just one thing each day. Having to phone some places and say those words "My husband died" left me in tears many times. I still find it hard to say. 

As the others have said, we are a good bunch, you can chat here without judgement.

I struggle with the last day, when he was begging to die. I cant unsee or unhear that. 

That is very true Alison. It has to have happened to you to understand the pain. I put my hands up to that because I used to be one of those who when someone close by to me or someone I knew had someone pass away I used to wonder why too in a couple of months or whatever they wren't `back to normal` or `got over it` but now I do get it. Nothing is the same and you have to spend weeks/months having to adjust to the `new you` being on your own and I still am adjusting. 

Vicky x

It is truly terrible, what we have all been through. The trauma for me took a long time to settle down. I personally think it is a form of PTSD. No one is ready for it. Fortunately, it has eased to a degree. The flashbacks aren’t as often. Although sometimes I will get caught out. Sending hugs. Kate.xxx

PattyK said:

That is very true Alison. It has to have happened to you to understand the pain. I put my hands up to that because I used to be one of those who when someone close by to me or someone I knew had someone pass away I used to wonder why too in a couple of months or whatever they wren't `back to normal` or `got over it` but now I do get it.

I have often thought that of myself. A very good friend of mine died about ten years ago, and looking back, I didn't give his wife anywhere near as much support as I could have, or should have.

Now, obviously, I finally 'get it.' I think I am actually a better person for having suffered this experience - but what an terribly hard way to have learned this lesson ...