My husband passed last Saturday - I'm lost

Alison it is so very raw for you . And even after a year I feel it just as raw now. I would wash my Husband to save him the indignity of a stranger doing it. He wouldn't let anyone else do it anyway. It is so traumatic having to watch the one we love so much suffer such excruciating pain and be unable to help them. My Hubby was pretending he wasn't so bad for my sake . He had been ill for so long it didn't seem to be any different on the outside . It is so Cruel that they have to go through so much. We were in denial . And I was already in shock and grieving . I could see how he was going downhill. And having to witness that makes me feel I let him go. I didn't do enough to keep him here with me . Like the rest of us you will go through so many emotions. I hope you have friends and family who will support you well through this traumatic and deeply sad time. I try to console myself that My Hubby is no longer suffering , but it doesn't help. Yes we do feel empty . Our other half has gone . And it feels unbearable . There are some things I'm trying to help me get through it , but at the end of the day we have to go through this very complex thing called grief. 

Thank you for your kind words Breton. Sorry you have been going through this too. Life can be so cruel and unfair.   I did look after my husband's personal care for a few weeks but latterly he couldn't get out of bed,  turn over or talk much and he was too heavy for me to lift, it did break my heart getting carers but I was really struggling and scared of him falling and not being able to pick him up.  I do have family and good friends looking out for me, this morning I got so depressed knowing I would never hold him or see him again.  I know he's out of pain and it was so hard watching him suffer, I just miss him so much. I hope your grief starts to ease soon. xx

I don’t post much but I lost my husband in January after a 2 and half year battle, so your story resonated for me - he went downhill very quickly went in for a stent and ended up passing away 3 weeks later and spent a week in ICU over Xmas which was difficult but we got him home in e end and I managed alongside the hospice for the few days he was here.  He was only 55 and we met when he  was 23 - I did a lot of grieving when he was diagnosed but it doesn’t prepare you.  Nearly 4 months on it isn’t better but it’s not as raw and I have realised that he would want me to live . I definitely  have times when I have to break from grief take a walk, have a bath go for coffee with a friend or garden- it isn’t easy but he wanted me to live and I want to do it for him , he was brave and I must be too.  Like others here I do miss him terribly and think of him constantly and sometimes I am a mess but I feel more able to cope now - I know that not everyone is the same and grieves differently but I hope I may give u some hope x

Thank you so much for your message.  It's terrible you have had to go through this. My husband said the same he wanted me to live my life, at the moment that seems impossible. I'm glad you had a lot of years together, although the pain of losing him after so long must be horrendous. We met late in life and were together almost 8 years, married for almost 7, but he is/was the love of my life.  I didn't know love and happiness like we had existing, my life feels empty without him. You've given me hope that the grief will get easier to deal with in time.  Good luck to you for the future, each day at a time x 

It's not easy I know. And I miss my Hubby so much it hurts . I wish we had been closer during the last few years . Illness really puts a damper on everything . I had to go back to the Doctors last week and he's upped the Anti-depressants , I didn't want to use them but After using sleeping tablets for a few weeks they wouldn't give me anymore ,but gave me a low dose of Anti-depressants instead. And I have to go back to see him in 3 weeks. I'm glad you have some good support , You certainly need them ,especially in the first few weeks/months when there is so much to sort out. Make sure you get plenty of rest and try eat something nourishing to keep your strength up. I lost 15 kilos within the first few months. And aged about 20 years . I've put some of the weight back on now .  Take care. xx

Hello Alison,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am just coming up to 3 years after losing my husband to bowel cancer in June 2023. He fought his for almost 2 and half years. He got his tumour removed in January 2022 and was told they got it all and said he was `cancer free` `in remission` whatever they never say you are cured. It came back unfortunately 5 months later and after that it was just a downward spiral for him both physically and mentally. They tried him on new chemo which unfortunately damaged his kidneys so had to be stopped. In the end he too was bedbound and like your husband lost all the weight baring in his legs. He was a `big bear` of a man and it was just pitiful to see what he became reduced to at the end. He ate very little at end too and that was never him because he loved his food and he had to get the carers in too to wash him in the mornings. He took 4 bouts of sepsis and was admitted 3 times to resuscitation at hospital and then put into high dependency. They allowed him back home because he said if he was going to pass he wanted to pass at home. So it was on the 4th bout of sepsis along with his advancing cancer that took him in the end. My last memory of him leaving this house was being stretchered out into an ambulance and getting blue lighted to hospital again where he stayed and passed two weeks later. He was just too weak at the end to be treated at home. 

As Breton has said everything will be very raw for you just now and your head will be all over the place. Do you have close family living near you? Just lean on them for now and accept all offers of help and support. It won't seem real for you just now I know it was for me but everyone is different. It just felt that I was watching it happen to someone else but it was me. I couldn't cry when he passed and thought it really strange because I felt it was something I should have been doing. I did plenty of it when he was going through his treatment. Over the last 2 and half years though I have been having little outbursts of crying for no apparent reason so maybe this is it happening now but I feel a bit better once I have got it out. 

Please stop by here when you feel you need to. We are all a good bunch and are a good support for one another and we all `get it` when maybe those around you don't. Take Care of yourself and sending you my best wishes. 

Vicky x

I don't know if I've already said it . But I was telling the Doctor how I was when my Hubby was really going downhill at the House. I had shut down . And I don't think I have ever experienced that before. I wasn't acting myself. It's the strangest feeling when you go into shock and seeing everything ,but as if you are in someone else's body. I couldn't bring myself to cuddle him ,even though I really wanted to. I would sit at his side and talk with him. And sometimes thinking "You are going to die on me and leave me" Any normal time I would have been in floods of tears. I can't normally keep my emotions hidden. Now when I look back ,I think how could you be so cold and horrible. I was caring for him in every other way. Now all I want is to hold him and kiss him. But it's too late . I can't ever again. I can't understand why I couldn't just snap out if it. 

I get all that what you said Breton. I was like that too. But as I said already in his final days I was very much in denial that he was going to pass. Some days he would just sit up in bed and watch TV or scroll on his phone things he did normally and I think I got a false sense of security about that that he was getting better. But I always remember hearing that when someone is in their final days they `rally` meaning they just look like they were before and don't look as though there is anything wrong with them and can talk and interact with everyone as before only difference is they are doing it from a bed. Jay was like this in the two weeks before he passed and you could never tell he had terminal cancer and then he was gone. I just felt so useless that I felt I couldn't help him enough. It is just so unfair sometimes. 

Under the appalling circumstances in which we all find ourselves, this a very inspiring post, and one which offers hope. So I thank you for it. Several points you make have direct resonance for me:

Plum1972 said:

He was only 55 and we met when he  was 23

My wife died aged 61; when we first met, she was 22.

Plum1972 said:

I did a lot of grieving when he was diagnosed but it doesn’t prepare you.

Exactly that. We all knew what was coming and, although you can try to make yourself 'ready' for it, you never are.

Plum1972 said:

Nearly 4 months on it isn’t better but it’s not as raw and I have realised that he would want me to live

I think that knowing our dead partners would both want us - and expect us - to carry on after they've gone, and have good, productive, enjoyable lives, is the key realization. Because, after all, we all know that had the situation been reversed - i.e. had we died, rather than them - that's what we would have wanted.

But, of course, understanding that is a very different thing from actually putting it into practice. It is anything but easy - but we know what we have to try to do.

Plum1972 said:

I know that not everyone is the same and grieves differently

Yes. We are all different.

Plum1972 said:

but I hope I may give u some hope

I think you have. So, thanks.

To AlisonMax: all I can add in addition is that I feel your pain. None of us want to be in this situation - but this is the hand which life has dealt us; it's not going to change; and we have to find ways to cope. Talking and thinking aloud here can be helpful - I do so myself in order to try to clarify my own thoughts. Please take heart from Plum1972's post!

I send everybody here my very best wishes.

My Hubby was acting normal too. Normal for him as he had been ill for a long time . Although he kept saying "I'm not going to get out of here " and I would get upset. So he stopped saying it. The day before he was up and out of bed when I went back in after emptying the bowl of water I washed him with. He was messing about with a towel on his head and I said The staff will think your mad.  He seemed as if he was feeling better,but he was putting on a brave face. He felt very cold on his arms and I put a blanket around him cos' he refused to get back in bed .  It was all an act . Because that's the last time we spoke. He wasn't conscious the next morning when they called me in early. I wish I could turn the clock back. I'm never going to forgive myself for not seeing the signs.