My husband passed last Saturday - I'm lost

its scandalous the pension situation Malengwa.  I've got 6 years to go but I'll probably be working til I drop, can't see me ever retiring.

The heat isn't too bad where I am, currently 15 degrees but a bit breezy. I'm working too, but its actually colder in the house than it is outside today lol.  My friend is in Birmingham just now and it 27 degrees where she is!

Good luck with your grief bubble group. I've got a zoom call tonight with a grief councellor, my first shot at anything like this so I've no idea how it will be. Worth giving it a try though.

take care x

I now understand quiet.  At night the quiet is so loud sometimes like thunder.

Its when I really miss her being well, at anywhere so that we could hold hands, cuddle, just be with each other.

• You were right so tomorrow I honour my hearts wishes and half of her ashes in a coffer join her parents.  
• So at this time I am low a will try to explain to her and her 1st family 
• I made 2 cups this morning like always. 53 years if reaching in darkness my hand knew exactly where she'd be.  Her glasses are on her dresser, i haven't the heart to put em away.
• Her coat is by yhe door and still smells of her perfume.  So I go to mass and ask, So lord do you have her in a place where hurting is done.  And I ask, is she warm  is she laughing does she know I' going to come to her.
• I will be happy if you can say, I am OK if you promise me Lord, that she is not affraid.
• Do not dispair please, it will always hurt.  But remember your soulmate is free of pain

1. I had to wait 6 years for my state pension. I took my private work pension out as it was hardly worth waiting for and I might have died before claiming it. It paid off the debt to my Parents for a loan we needed to get the Bungalow. So I don't have to search for the paperwork for that which would probably have ended up getting lost in the move. I know what is coming in and so have to make it last. As I'm not doing much else that lifts my spirits in the slightest I keep buying plants . There was nothing in the gardens here only a small lawn at the front and all gravel at the back. I have decided I need to make the back more dog friendly with a lawn. But the patio needs relaying . And I want to build a wall with a raised bed on the top where the dogs can't reach to either pee on or eat the plants . And I want to grow some clematis up the sides of the fencing. I need some colour. So I popped into the builders yard on the way back from dropping our youngest son at the train station. I went for some posts to make a trellis with jute ,I thought it might be the cheapest option. Got some sand and cement to relay the patio. And a pallet of breeze blocks for my wall. No prices on anything ,so I got a shock at the bill. And then I thought ..Can I really be bothered to do all this again ? Motivation went out of the window aged ago. But I need to have a project to do to take my mind off how miserable I feel. So that's going to keep me busy for a month or two. There are plenty other things that need doing. But I cannot bring myself to the task, so perhaps I will achieve something out the back . At least it will make the dogs happy when they have a lawn sometime not too far ahead. The lady two days gave been too hot to do anything too energetic, It never lasts long so I imagine we will get some cooler days in which we can get outdoors and make improvements on the surroundings if nothing else.  I hope the good weather has made some of us feel a bit brighter. Better than being stuck in when it's pouring with rain . Cx

It is so beautiful, what you have written about your love. I will be with my darling one day, too. 

It has been exceedingly hot. It didn't take much for me to break into a sweat  . So as it started off coller this morning I mowed the little lawn before taking the dogs out. Started emptying the garage to have a go at sorting it out again. Did a bit of shopping . Mainly ended up buying plants and building supplies for my next project that will hopefully give me a break from Ruminating over the past and things I could have ,Should have done. Then ended up putting the storage boxes back in the garage at 9 pm and will have another go tomorrow. It's gonna be hot again apparently. So hopefully I will sleep better tonight and wake up with renewed energy Hah! That'll be the day !

Sounds like me, buying plants! I always say I dont buy shoes or handbags, ( or clothes if I can help it) but I do like a garden centre. There is so much to do in my garden sadly Tony used to do the heavy stuff so now I have to pay for every little job. My pond got a leak so Im just about to have it relined then it will be new pond plants. I was pleased to find newts and dragonfly nymphs which Ive had to move to a smaller pondwe have then hope they will return once its all settled. Id like my patio completely re laid but Im expecting the cost to be high so I will need to save for that. 

Im starting to rethink what I grow. I struggle to water too much so Im at a minimum tomatoes, cucumbers, beans and courgettes. I need to re think more spring winter crops so i can cope better in these hot days. They really make me feel quite ill and if I have to work as well, its horrendous. Reckon I have to work at least 2 more years before I could consider early retirement and have enough to live on and be able to do things as well. 

I buy plants too. No point in clothes or bags when I don't go anwhere, and I'm too old for nice shoes! I've got used to managing the garden alone as David's bone pain meant he couldn't do much, but it feels so sad making a nice garden just for myself. I can't see any point in doing things just for me, but what sort of future is there if I can't learn to do that? I'm tired of people saying the nice weather must make me feel better. It makes me sad that he isn't here to enjoy it. Do people really think a bit of sunshine changes this pain? Why are there so many people with no idea how to help when you're grieving? Isn't grief and loss something we should all understand? I feel so alone and misunderstood. It seems to be getting worse and worse. Sorry to moan, it's not a good day. 

Oh! Spirit,I feel just the same as I think we all do. I try not to put into words too much how distraught I feel. I had to do everything except  the finance before for so many years,so I'm used to that. Before my Hubby got too bad decades ago,he used to try do projects in the Summer and ended up on the lounge floor with a mattress for months. So I told him to leave the heavy jobs as it wasn't worth the pain. He must have felt pretty useless at times. He never ever did the garden , so that was no different. I have no interest in keeping the house nice anymore . It would have drove him crazy if he was here now. What's the point ? How long is it since your loss ,I can't remember. I cry when I take the dogs to the park on a lovely day wishing he was here to enjoy it. I had good intentions of getting him out more when the weather was good. He did like the Sun  And it is so flat here that it would have been easier for him to walk a little more. And I was going to insist he got a mobility scooter so he had no excuse not to go out. It was so hilly where we were in Scotland ,not ideal for him at all. He was too proud to get a Scooter ,but he might have been persuaded coming here not knowing anyone ,so he wouldn't have to explain why he needed one.  The sun should lift our mood and being outdoors ,but it doesn't fix how depressingly Sad and lost we feel. My Sister forgets or doesn't realise how bad I feel cos' she doesn't see me crying every day. I take my tablets to try keep on an even keel. She keeps saying you seem to be coping  better. She saw how much I cried every day on holiday . But I try to act normal when I'm with her. I don't want to bring her down. I don't feel any improvement in my Emotions and Heartache. Antidepressants don't lift me ,cos' it's the grief that I feel. Along with guilt that I didn't do enough.  I thought about digging out for a small pond Melengwa ,but my last one wasn't very successful and there isn't much space to make a decent one. I loved seeing the newts ,dragon flies and frogs and toads which laid eggs in the pond and all the tadpoles. But I probably won't try Squeeze one in here . I need to save up for new Windows and carpets . So really should be spending less on the garden once I get the back a bit more sorted  out. I'm having some building supplies coming today . I hope I am going to get motivated and get the project started. I spent more than I thought it would cost ,but I will be doing the work ,so nobody to pay. After I had paid yesterday I thought to myself Why am I bothering? I don't want to go on the way I am ,nothing to show for each day .. I have to force myself to make a difference to the way I'm existing now. I feel really stuck . I'm so glad I'm retired ,I really don't think I could have faced going back to work. Having to put on a brave face for the Public or colleagues. I sometimes think I could do with the extra money ,but The Government would only take it off me in tax. I waited long enough for my Pension and at 68 years old I really don't feel I have the energy to do as much as I used to do. Hope I have the energy to build the wall I have planned. It won't be as big as the one I built at the last House . And this time I will use the line of string to get it straighter than before. 

Creating gardens was something my husband and I did together, as well as growing vegetables on a full-size allotment. I'm doing it alone now, but it's one of the few activities that keeps my mind occupied and distracts from the aching loss. I've planted up the part of the garden where he used to sit when he was able so  it's full of bright flowers - he loved flowers and would always bring fresh ones into the house. Just had some penstamon and salvia delivered ...

I am working on the garden, too. We have a lovely wooded area at the end of the garden, so it is called ‘The Wildlife Garden’. We have let it grow for the last six months. The butterflies, ladybirds, birds and hedgehog like it. I will also plant some wild flowers, too. It will let me focus on something else for a change.