Woke up really early, thought I would sort out the coat/shoe cupboard. Nice idea. Ended up sitting on the floor clutching his coat crying. Just moved his coats upstairs, can't get rid of anything. I'm no nearer 'moving on' than I was when he died. This limbo is driving me mad, I want to sort myself out but in reality I can't even manage to sort a cupboard. Now I feel a wreck and it's only 9.30.
It is a horrible feeling. For me, it also felt like panic attack. I think it was the realisation that it was all my responsibility, rather than two of us. We had loads happen in the first year, flooding from under the kitchen sink. Water was spurting everywhere, and our son wrapped an old quilt around the pipe.
A leak through the ceiling, a tap in the garage, the hand brake on the car was playing up, on and on it went. I am currently trying to learn how to use his tools, as our daughter’s bed needs dismantling. It has improved, and I know ask for support where I can. Kate.xxx
Today, I am trying to find something that will bring me some inner peace. I know that when I get very low, it is really hard to come out of it. So I must act now. I am going to take our border collie, Jack, to the garden centre. I shall look for some new plants that the rabbits won’t eat at the grave. I shall then chat with my darling. This helps. Later, I will walk Jack with our daughter through a bluebell wood that is 10 minutes away. Nature always seems to help. It will be a F…. Day to do with chores. Kate.xxx
