Feeling Broken

Sorry your struggling at the moment, PattyK.  You know where we are if you need to rant or ramble. 

DeeD,  thank you. I am still married to Sue as far as I'm concerned. Still wearing my wedding ring on the right finger. 

Take care everyone. 

Thanks Ghostlove. 

It will leave eventually just a few shit things that have happened recently that have exacerbated things a bit for me just now and I've just withdrawn into myself a little bit again. Yes as I've said here already too I'm still `Mrs Mason` when on the phone to authorities etc and I still look at that wee saying I saw on social media. `I'm not a widow I'm a wife whose husband is in heaven` I think it just means you know you will meet up again one day. Oh yes I know you are all here and I'd be lost without this wee forum because all do get it. Take Care. 

xx

PattyK, 

 Just checking on you, how are you doing ?

Hello  Dee D  ,I'm only in my 10 month . and dreading the next two months . Besides Anniversaries , there are Birthdays that I have to cope with . Most of ours fall in April, But they will pass without any celebration . They weren't celebrated last year for obvious reasons. And i don't think we will be making much of them for many years to come . Don't expect too much of yourself. There is no timeline for feeling any better or trying to move on. We are all different in different circumstances and a different story  that we have lived through. I'm the same ,as going out to the Supermarkets . I have to take a herbal sedative to calm my nerves before I leave the House . If I forget and I feel a panic attack looming I have to rush to get back. I have moved house since my loss ,and still finding my way around and I've got lost a few times and had terrible Panic attacks. One time I was stuck on the motorway in pouring rain, at peak time on a Friday afternoon. If it had been possible I would have just pulled over and stopped the car , but it wasn't . I was shouting for My Husband to help me get back to the House . I was screaming and crying. Now I won't go out at night . And I'm more careful to only go to the places close by. I have started going to a Yoga class with my sister , If she doesn't go ,I don't go. It's good in that you don't have to actually talk to people too much . If you don't really want to join a club yet how about getting some craft  stuff like cross stitch or crochet /paints or something to start a new hobby from home ? I'm trying to start my painting again. Motivation is low just now. The house needs decorating and I need to de-clutter , but keep putting it off . I have to go out twice a day to take the dogs for a walk. Do you have any pets ? If not and you like dogs / cats or rabbits perhaps it would be good to get one for company. You will meet others on their walks and  perhaps a little small talk will help.  I get that about making friends . I only have my sister here who has been good contacting me every day. She tries to get me to go out , But I can't stand noisy pubs with lots of people . And I can't bear to listen to music . The lyrics set me off crying . I have cried every day since My Husband died , but it's embarrassing breaking down in public. That would be a hard one to go on holiday alone . I don't think I could do that. My sister persuaded me to go to Venice with her next month. I can't say I'm excited about it . I broke down in the Travel agency when we booked it, The girl asked If I was a Mrs as well. And that was it . I could feel the anxiety building already. I can't exactly say I'm financially well off ,but I can manage to pay the bills. This house needs a lot of work which I can't afford to do just now and so I'm feeling stuck . What are /were you interested in before your loss as in activities ? 

Hi Ghostlove!

Yes I'm good. Nice of you to check in. I was out last night with my son and daughter in law we went out for dinner- wee Mother's Day treat so it was nice to get out for a couple of hours and to see the grandchildren too. I can feel a slight shift again as if things are getting better again but as I said still comes in waves and hopefully the tide will stay out for another little while. Hope you're ok yourself. Take Care and hugs to everyone here

xx

Hi Bretton!

Just read your post. I am going into my 3rd year without my husband he passed in June 2023. It is so comforting to read that we are all like-minded in meeting people etc and joining things. I have a little dog and he's my reason for getting up in the mornings as he needs to be walked and fed. I get what you mean about decorating. I would like to get my place done and it has been in my head to get it done since my husband passed but I haven't moved house. My house is bought outright so at least I still have a roof over my head and don't need to worry about mortgages etc and like you I can manage the bills etc but when you lose your spouse you lose a chunk of income too. I had thought about moving when he was going through his treatment and in his final days he said to me why I want to do that and I said to him because he wouldn't be here soon. But he said to me to think carefully even in his last days he was still being logical about everything. He said why would you move when you are mortgage free and is it something I would be able to afford to do which I know I couldn't. The house is just so quiet now without him but I sometimes wonder if that is a good or bad thing. I am getting used to being on my own and quite like it but I still miss him and the grief still comes in little waves. My best wishes to you moving forwards. 

Vicky x

I have found crafting and painting a real help. Something to concentrate on. 
I went to a Collage Group about a year ago, 5 months after my beautiful Valen was ripped from me. The group was too big and noisy for me, but it did spark an interest and I started doing it at home. 
About 9 months ago I joined a small (6 of us) craft group at our local cafe. We all have mental health problems and are incredible supportive of each other. Each week one of us has a meltdown and we now actually joke about whose turn is next. I have continued my collaging there. I find my mind is resting whilst concentrating on such a simple thing as cutting out shapes and sticking them on paper.

I also joined a watercolour class at the same cafe 6 months ago. This is monthly and again, at the most 6 people. We are all very, very beginners with a kind and patient teacher. I think I am improving a bit and have been doing more at home. 

I had never done any crafting or painting before Valen left. I know he would be both amused and quietly impressed at my efforts.

I find my knitting very relaxing. I did it when Jay was here but it was a bit `hit n miss` and I would just get fed up with it after a while and chuck it aside until the notion to do it again took hold. I have done it a lot more now since Jay has gone and do little simple projects like making scarves and shawls headbands etc and i've sold some online making me a few wee pennies. Mainly in the winter time though when there is more need for this kind of stuff so that gives me a wee boost when I sell something and I get some good feedback from buyers so must be ok. I'm into my online study as well. A local college did free courses through covid which I did for something to do and really enjoyed them so do one of these every now and again and still do them for free so that's a bonus. Sets you a wee challenge and keeps your mind active as well learning something new all the time and I have passed most of the courses I have done and as you say MrsVT helps you concentrate and focus on something else. 

xx

Sadly Im not creative or crafty but it does seem to be something that comes up a lot. 

I will look at courses though, but i cant get out in the evenings and Im not sure I have enough concentration or stamina. 

I do jigsaw puzzles, which I find relaxing. 

I have a jigsaw permanently on the go on the dining table. 
I do a bit every morning with my first coffee and every night while the hot water bottles heating in the microwave. 
I’ve just moved from straightforward pictures to those what happens next ones. Some are great fun, some very frustrating. 
I do at times though sweep all the pieces off the table in a fit of what’s the point. 
And then bang my head on the underside as I search for all the pieces.

I do find them relaxing on the whole