Feeling Broken

Hello DeeD, 

I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you as the minutes pass by.

I had my beautiful Valen ripped from me nearly 18 months ago. 
I know what you mean about the confidence. I now understand that all my confidence was because Valen was always by my side. Encouraging me to do, try, accept new things. Be it food, a club we would join together or a tv programme.
He gave me courage. Without him bedside me I have none. 
I accept invitations with every intention of going. But rarely do. Those invitations are drying up. Not that I care.

I am incredibly lucky that we have a solid set of very close friends who have been so supportive. They all talk about him. All miss him. All cry for him. So when I do go out it is with them, or my close family. I have tried a couple of clubs without them, but had full blown panic attacks. So don’t put myself through that.

I sincerely send you a big hug

Thank you for your lovely words, it means so much. I’m not very good at opening up and this felt like a safe space to do it with people who understand. You are very brave attempting clubs, I find myself increasingly avoiding even supermarkets, filling the car with fuel until absolutely necessary etc. I feel disappointment every time I wake up each morning. I’m not suicidal but I just don’t want to be here anymore. I’m shrinking day by day. Feeling more pointless, hopeless and lost. Just going through the necessary motions of life until it’s over. 
these feelings are all new to me, I used to be so buoyant, positive and joyful. I’m just a shell now, a woman who fake smiles. 

Morning DeeD, I have just had my morning cry. This is when I wake, and the realisation that my Paul can’t be with me, hits. It is just over 19 months for me, and I seem to have taken a dip, again. We were together 40 years, and it is bl… difficult to find the point to anything. I find I live two lives, one is the ‘Let’s pretend to everyone’ life, that I am fine, and life is looking up. The other is, the introverted me that does not wish to see people. I still feel heartbroken, and it has not gotten easier. I just lie to our adult children, as I want them to still have hope. I feel my life is finished. My objective is to get our children to the higher ground, so that they can survive financially and emotionally. After that, I really just don’t care. Kate. xxx

Hi DeeD,

 I have just sworn at my wife and had a cry. Just started to clean the bathroom,  and I just thought what is the point.

I volunteer on a Monday, but I feel out of place. I also go to a bereavement coffee morning on Tuesdays, but I am the youngest one by a few years so again do I fit in ?

We moved over 8 years ago to are forever home. I would not change thar because Sue was so happy here. We never had children, her choice.  So I am totally broken and lost at the moment.  I have lost the friends I thought I could count on. The postive I managed my first gig and staying in a hotel on my own a couple of weeks ago.  It hurt and drained me. 

So please continue talking if it helps it has helped me a lot.  I think most of us feel the same.

Take care  

Hi DeeD. As you can see, many of us have similar feelins, and yes, this is a very safe space to say how you feel.

Ii hope you have got through the day in whatever way you could. Ive yet to face many anniversaries, as Im just 5 months along and feel very fragile. I made myself go out to things because everyone told me not to stay at home, but I find groups too big and making new friends such an effort, im not naturally gregarious. 

Yes my confidence is shot to pieces, I have my work which keeps me busy and fills my mind, but I do spend a lot of time alone. I have gone out for tea or lunch on my own, but not yet considered anything like a holiday. 

I suppose dont worry about what people expect, easier said than done, your journey is yours, and moving on will come in its own way for you. At least thats what I tell myself!

Keep talking, we are a decent bunch here.

Hello DeeD,

Oh Bless you! I could relate so much to your post. Yes all you wrote I could have written myself. I am a natural introvert and don't think anything about being by myself. All the `friends` I had were as you call them `couple friends` and a few aquaintances (single) but I don't seem to see or really want to see anyone now. I am going into my 3rd year without my husband he passed in June 2023 from bowel cancer. We were together for 40 years so a long time and a shock to the system when he was suddenly no longer there. He always had a big presence one of those people you heard him before you saw him. It was good for me to `hide behind him` a lot and let him take the lead when we were out and about but now day to day living and decisions are all down to me now and sometimes it can be hard to navigate things on your own without someone else's input and just hope you're making the right decisions on certain things. I just some days still do not have the energy to actually go out and do something but at the same time beating myself up thinking I should. I have started going back to the gym again but some days it can take me all my time to actually leave the house to do it. The girls at the sports centre are always on at me to take a fitness class but as most are saying here and I agree it's the worry that you won't fit in and I feel I am putting it off all the time for that reason alone. I'm happier going in and doing a gym workout on my own really. I've gone back to online study too I did that during covid where a local college was offering free online courses and I really enjoyed doing them and I went back to doing them again. Days now feel like covid all over again just morphing into one another at least with covid he was here for me to go through that with but now it's just me and this is it. I have my son and daughter in law who live not far from me with my two little granddaughters and as you say, sometimes you don't want to feel you are a burden. A lot of the time when I am at their home- which is not very often I feel as though I am `intruding` I am just here now for the run of the mill babysitting when needed and occasionally picking one up from school the youngest is only 5 months old so a long way off that yet. I#m 64 years old this year so a bit long in the  tooth I feel for making new friends but as the saying goes never say never. I wish you well moving forwards. Take Care. 

Vicky x

1. Oh my goodness, I can relate to those feeling about grown children so much. Sometimes I feel like the only reason I have to stick around is because I can’t pile more trauma on them. Our first grandchild was born last year. I love her so much but I’m also angry my husband never got to be a grandparent with me. 

You need to pat yourself on the back for going to a gig. That’s huge despite how it made you feel. 
I don’t know anyone else who is a widow at my age, no one can relate, the only single people I know are divorced and actively looking for a new partner. I don’t want to be any part of that although I understand it’s right for them. 

Exactly how I feel, I hate to feel like a burden. My husband used to say when we were together that 1 plus 1 equals 3 and he was so right. I’ve turned into a person I don’t really like, I wouldn’t want to be friends with me because I feel so fake, smiles, laughter, enjoyment it’s all put on. 
someone said something yesterday which really resonated and brought me comfort, her husband is unfortunately terminally ill so she gets it. She said ‘the pain won’t get any less but it will get gentler’

I hope she is right because it’s a lovely way of looking at grief

That sounds lovely Deed and a nice way of putting it. Yes me and Jay (my late husband) were sort of all one another needed. He was quite a private person so I think we were well suited. He wasn't one for going out with the lads etc and just liked it when it was the two of us going out for the occasional meal or whatever. My older sister got cancer just two months after Jay passed and the team that treated her ironically were the same ones who treated Jay and his surgeon said something similar to to me like `It will never leave you, but it will get better` something similar to what that person said to you. My sister is fine now though her's was caught really early and they were able to go and cut it out and she is recovering well so bittersweet really they saved her but couldn't save Jay. I look after my sister as he has learning difficulties too. It does get better but I won't tell you when you'll know yourself when you feel it is because we all process grief differently. Mine still come in waves and at the moment I'm fighting the tide. Take Care. 

Vicky x