8 months without him

I am finding the second of everything so very much harde4 than the first year. 
Last year I was still in shock. 
This year, though still in illogical denial - I did after all see my beautiful Valen taken, the reality has begun to sink in properly. 

Though I do still look for him walking down the street at his coming home time. 
Turn to his spot on the sofa asking him a question then boom. Hits again. 
I still sometimes say in reply to an invite “I’ll check what Valen’s doing”. Then cry. 
Things like that. That catch you unawares. That then lay you low for days.

It’s been 18 months and I still cry everyday or night. 
But I go out for a walk every day. Even if I can’t bring myself to go to my volunteering job or see my sister. I will still walk. 
For me, like Vicky, there are no weekends any longer. Just an uneneding get up get out get home go to bed cycle. 

For me, it’s the evenings I barely cope with. Things go downhill form about 5.30 onwards. The time he would be cooking up a storm in the kitchen. Or texting to say he is on the train home. 
Then the long night stretches ahead. Telly, a film, podcasts, jigsaws, reading, crafting.  
Never settling to one thing. I eventually get to bed about 2am, sleep 3 or 4 am.  
And god forbid I have been out in the day and actually enjoyed myself! The guilt is horrendous. 
I know how upset he would be seeing me like this. But I just can’t break free from it. 
Im just hopeing that one day the guilty feelings will lessen.

Huge hugs to all of you xx

Hi Vicky, I think I have been on auto pilot for the first year.  I am feeling so low now and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.  I have been in denial about my loss but am beginning to see my husband has actually gone and I will never see him again.  I don't know how to move forward.  No one understands how awful th8s is.

Deborah x

Just keep coming here Deborah because we all do understand how awful this all is and its a good place to come when you need to let off steam or have a good vent nobody judges you and we all do get it. Yes I can imagine you would have been on auto pilot for the first year you will just be coming to terms with the loss and still expecting them to come back. Just take your time. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Hello Shoulders, You must still be in terrible shock.  All I kept saying was " What am I gonna do ?" I had cared for him so long and now what . I had shut down when my Husband was dying. We had both long ago decided we didn't want a funeral. Neither of us are religious , and we couldn't cope with falling apart in front of an audience . So my dear Husband was cremated. My family and friends said it was wrong , that I hadn't said goodbye properly and not got closure. I was there holding his hand and told him how much I loved him then he took his last breath. I am different to her . She has her faith which seems to help her . Our two sons have been very supportive ,but they don't really understand  It's excruciating watching the person you love most slipping away . So cruel for both partners . It takes a long time to accept they have actually left us . I was in shock for the first few weeks , Have cried every day since . It's now 10 months since and I feel like I've been crying forever . Yes the pain is excruciating , I expected to be deeply sad and Heartbroken ..but there are so many other emotions that follow . I was in denial leading up to him leaving. Then came Anger , And so many regrets . Guilt that I didn't do enough to keep him here . Some people say they haven't cried .. I think that must be the Shock. Some don't want to let the feelings in , but we have to go through it. We cannot run from it , I've tried . Tried keeping busy ,but once I stopped through exhaustion the Grief was there waiting for me . So please let it all out . Don't try holding it in because it makes it worse. I hope you have a good support network  in god friends and family. I'm sorry you have had to join this Painful group. None of us want to be in.