First gig

My Husband also watched most of the same shows you are all talking about. Its so strange to read that. I did like to watch some of them with him, that's if he had not stayed in bed. He would watch films on his computer in bed. I can only watch mundane stuff now. Antiques roadshow, Homes under the Hammer if its not a couple . I resent that other couples are still together . And that's awful I know ,but it makes me so sad , I can;t bare to watch films or series with lovey dovey couples either . I can't buy the things I used to buy especially for him when shopping. Everything seems to remind me of him. I used to love music, it upsets me now. I tried  going to a concert with my sister , but I cried the whole way through, It ruins it for my sister , I did the same at a meal with her and my son , my treat for his Birthday. Tried to make the effort , but it feels like Torture . So only place I go is to Yoga , walk the dogs and shop. What a boring life . I really don;t want to be here without him. Though I couldn't do anything to ruin my sons life , so I have to carry on 1 day at a time. 

Hi Breton, 

the more mundane and familiar the programme is the better. 
So though I laughed at my beautiful Valen watching all those American pawn shop (yes Les Gold), Counts Cars thingy, storage and baggage wars, Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers on a loop, so he must laugh at me now resorting to old series of Bake Off, Sewing Bee, Interior Design Masters and Pottery Throwdown on a loop.

I have a long list of recommendations from my sister and friends. I start to watch but just can’t concentrate. They do all look good and I will eventually settle down and watch. 

I went with my sister to a live streaming of the ballet Giselle last week. It’s a sad ballet so at least there were lots crying and so I didn’t look out of place. My sister sat holding my hand for most of it which was comforting. But then I got back to our empty silent home and cried.

I can do some of the going out stuff - volunteering 4 days a week, craft group weekly, watercolour class monthly, out with my sister once a week, seeing my mum several times a week, even a couple of evening dos. It’s the getting home bit and the evenings I can’t. Somethings wonder why I bother if I feel so sh1t after.

I am mixed. I stopped going as often to some bigger groups but just couldnt cope and spent my whole time sobbing. Im not naturally gregarious so not going to those things means im at home more. Which isnt good either. I cant win. I do choir which I like and go to work 2 days and some weeks, thats it. I dont have family nearby, i dont drive and thete are no evening buses. I dont mind being at home because I feel closer to Tony here but I dont want to be here all the time.

Pepple keep saying why dont you volunteer but I just dont feel ready for that yet, i dont feel i have anything of myself to give. Im not creative, ive looked at U3A but everything is either on a day I work or too far away.

I feel like Im really trying but failing...again

This weekend, being mothers day, I saw noone at all. Its been miserable.

Hey Bretton!

I feel like that often myself. I am happy in my own company though thankfully and doesn't really bother me if I see anyone from day to day. I felt like you did to when my husband was in his final days and didn't want to be here but thinking about it was as far as it got luckily and I realised there were people I still needed to be here for. My TV is hardly on at all now and the house is so quiet but in a funny sort of  way I'm starting to like that. Hard to get motivated some days but you just do. It will take time and you will know yourself when you feel a shift and things start to change. We all grieve differently. Just keep coming here as  we are all a good support for one another and all get it. Take Care. 

Vicky xx

Again Mrs VT1

Ice Road Truckers, Deadliest Catch how uncanny is that!  Bet they've both found a TV up there and are watching all those programmes on a loop again. Must say though found Hardcore Pawn quite amusing all the infighting with the family especially with the brother and sister running it and all the customers kicking off when they find they're stuff they are trying to get money for is worthless and insisting it is worth hundreds of dollars. 

xx

I bet they are sat there together saying “Oh I remember this one!”. 
I used to get really annoyed with the Golds, until I learnt to just enjoy it and laugh at all the shenanigans like he did. 
My brother in law recently said how much he misses watching things like Junk and Disorderly with Valen while my sister and I would sit with a couple glasses of wine nattering in the room next door. And having a whiskey with him in the evening. He told me a few months ago he bought a bottle of a new whiskey to share with him, before he realised what he was doing. Neither my sister or I drink the stuff. 

Don't like Whisky either. Jay used to drink Jack Daniels. I'm happy with a `wee voddie` (vodka) or wine

I rarely go out on an evening. Just once a week to the Yoga. I try hard to concentrate , but the Indian music she plays makes me want to cry. When they do the relaxation /meditation at the end I can't bear to close my eyes. I just imagine how it was fort my dear Husband laying in that Hospital bed in the dark or looking up at the ceiling and I start to cry . I have to try sob really quietly because there are others laying close by. When the Teacher tells us to breath in out or mentions the heart ,that makes me want to cry . My Husband was finding it so difficult to breath and I relive watching him take his last breath and start choking , And I ran out to get a nurse to help him . And that's the last time I saw him. Then I go back t the house and he;s not there waiting for me like I know my sisters Husband is. And yes even after we have made the effort to go out it does feel so Shite going back in the House alone . My dogs greet me , but it's not the same . I'm glad we moved though , I didn't want to stay in that house . But He was supposed to come with me . So unfair that he died just 3 months before .