First gig

I'm with you on the toothbrush,  couple times I've lifted it up to put in his memory box but then say no not yet. I took his older socks out the drawer put them in a bag and the bag still sits on the floor. I have his ashes which haven't moved since brought him home but feel he needs to be in an urn next to my bed but also don't want to move him. You feel u can't do right for wrong.  I have my 1st grandchild due in May and hoping he will put some light in my life as like u feel like I don't really want to be here anymore without my soul mate znc he would tell me off with those thoughts x

It’s so strange. I could move his electric shaver to his bedside drawer. But get palpitations over moving his toothbrush. 
I cleared quite few clothes (he himself spent several days going through his clothing and shoes and they went to charity. That in itself was bloody heartbreaking), but the small pile nearly folded on the window seat of his “sloomy at home clothes” will continue to gather dust. 
I removed a motion sensor light in the hallway. But the blutac which held it in place is still on the wall. A blue blob with his thumbprint. 

I can’t watch new series of some programmes. Because that would be unfair to him for me to see them but not him. 
Sometimes I feel plain daft.

MrsVT,  

You are not daft,  you are just trying to survive in a world that does not make sense anymore.  We all do daft things,  I can still get a wet face shopping and I can't buy certain foods. I just hope I'm not talking allowed, when I'm asking her advice in shops.

I talk to Valen out loud when I go for my walks!
But people are so used to seeing others talking with ear bud thingys that it doesn’t look odd.

I hope

That's like me MrsVT

When Jay was here the fridge was stocked now it's like `Old Mother Hubbard` with her bare cupboards. When my son comes over he will go to the fridge and say he's hungry and look in and say `do you not eat mum`?? and I say I do William but the fridge these days is just not as full as when your dad was here and it's just what I need for me which is usually chocolate, sweets or ice-cream. oh and ready meals. 

xx

My husband and I were always tied up with childcare until Covid: our relaxation was watching American police procedurals - NCIS, Criminal Minds, Bones, Law and Order. We were released from that responsibility but then my husband had terminal bladder cancer, which we survived, and then oesophageal cancer. He died eighteen months ago and I can't watch the American programmes. I watch the crime series on Channel 4 instead: it's a way of continuing our old life but in a different way. But he's not here to make the coffee in the morning, unload the dishwasher, do the hoovering. Everyday, quotidian realities that bring home that your everyday life is shared, and you can't find a different way to make coffee. You have to do it yourself. It brings it home that my life continues while his doesn't: I have new experiences, see our children's achievements, the flowers grow in spring. But finding a way to continue our old life in this new reality is hard. 

I get that we survived. When Jay retired we had a little routine going of who would do what chores on what days. He was your proverbial couch potato as well and liked to watch Shows like you watch things that seemed like a lifetime away like Pawn Stars,  Storage Wars, Wheeler Dealers, Counting Cars, etc and he would channel hop which would drive me nuts he would begin watching a programme and switch it over half way through and then watch repeats of programmes he watched probably earlier that day which used to drive me nuts too. He watched all the cooking shows as well with Gordon Ramsey, Jamie Oliver etc the TV would be on 24/7 whereas now its hardly on at all maybe in the morning just for background noise and then off at lunchtime til teatime at night. The house is so quiet too but I don't know if that's a good or bad thing and sometimes I still miss his big booming voice he never spoke to you he shouted and I would be saying to him to bring it down a decibel as I was sitting right next to him. The things you remember. 

xx

I’ve said before that your Jay and my beautiful Valen were kindred spirits! 
Pawn Stars, Storage Wars (US and UK), Baggage Wars, various Auction Houses, Salvage Hunters, that other American pawn shop show, Morse., Dads Army. Can’t watch any now. 

When I was working and he was working from home he would always have Judge Judy on ready for me for when I got home. Can’t bear it now.

And as I have said before, I can’t bring myself to watch new series such as Father Brown, the last series of Bones or The Good Doctor which we never got round to. I feel like I am betraying him and that it’s not fair for me to watch them when he can’t.

I have the tv or podcasts on as soon as I get in as the new silence is unbearable. 
I cry every time I step through the door and there’s no “Who’s that?” to my “Only me”. 
It’s as you say, the little things not just the big things.

The wind is howling and without him it frightens me, never did when he was here to protect me.

It is really horrid here too. The wind is strong. 

Oh my Mrs VT!

Kindred spirits right enough!  Dads Army that was one of his favourites too and `All Creatures Great and Small` (the original one with Christopher Timothy and Peter Davidson) an `Last of The Summer Wine` he would sit and watch these on a loop. MASH was also a favourite he watched over and over again. Hardcore Pawn was maybe the other one you were thinking about with Les Gold and his family he watched this too. 

xx