Back again

Hi Jillybean74,

I hope you are ok. I know I am behind you on this path, but then again this path is crazy. I am afraid people don't understand unless you are on it. I have been told I look and sound stronger, but I don't feel it. They don't see me at my worse breaking down, not speaking to anyone for days. Even after 54 weeks, still not wanting to wake up. 

Take care. 

Sorry just to say I am not going to do anything stupid. 

Sometimes it just becomes too much. You can keep busy and distract yourself but it's still so lonely without them. The thing about grief coming in waves is so true. The waves can be overwhelming and scary. I can't think about the future, all that time feeling like this. People already think I'm ok (it's been 12 weeks) and have mostly backed off. I can't bring myself to ask for help or just a chat, I'm on my own so much, often just in tears at the futility of it all. My family are 70+ miles away and I don't drive. I feel trapped. It will get better, I hope, but no time soon. As you say, this is a safe place to be open and honest. In the 'real world' I feel invisible and mostly ignored, but here I'm heard. And understood. Thank goodness for this place, and people who know. 

Oh spirit, I could have written this, its exactly how I feel. I dont drive and dont have family nearby. Ive had a really busy week but its been so lonely which sounds like a contradiction doesnt it? But we all know its not. People also think Im OK, I can smaile and sometimes laugh, but it hides the most painful pain noone can see.

Jillybean, hi, ive not been in this group long, just 4 months, so weve not "met" before. As you say, we are safe here, we dont judge or criticise, or tell each other to pull yourself together or get a dog, we just know what it feels like. A big hug coming your way.

Ghostlovescore, I am also struggling at times with the not wanting to wake up. Its horrid isnt it?

Hi there, I had a good sob this morning as I was missing my darling Paul. Several minor things have broken in the last couple of weeks, and I have found it overwhelming. Normally, we would have worked it out together and laughed. The carpet cleaner smelt of burning, our daughter dropped her mobile in the bath, the hand brake light won’t go off in my old banger, the kettle needed replacing. It just gets too much, sometimes. The weather has also been rubbish, so I can’t spend time in the garden. I find it so soothing, and peaceful there. On the positive side, we now have a new carpet cleaner and our son has done a thorough clean. A new kettle and a new phone have been ordered. As for the car, I am not sure. I cried myself to sleep earlier, and I feel better for getting the pain out and acknowledging it. All I have is my honesty. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

Hi Jilly!

Your are a wee bit further on than me and maybe some of the rest here too. I am just over 2 and a half years after losing Jay and as you say a lot of people just don't get it but we all do here. Whether its 4 and a half years or 4 and half days grief has no time limit and as Ghostlove says you have had to go through it to know what it's really like. Hands up! I used to be like that and wonder why people I knew who had lost a loved one and it was a good bit on, why they hadn't moved on but now I do get it and its right what they say grief has no time limit. I have had a really bad week this week just one of those weeks when everything seems to go wrong and without Jay here makes it worse he would have been here to help me look at the brighter side of the situations but everything in situations like this are just that bit harder without him and yes I had good hard sob to myself a couple of days ago but felt ten times better when I got it all out my system. Just the path we are on and need to navigate I suppose. Best Wishes to you. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Hi. Your week sounds like my January has been - one thing  after another,  the final straw being needing a new catalytic converter on my car - fortunately my son is a mechanic so he sorted that for me but its just exhausting having to deal  with everything on your own. Renewals for the car and home insurance, MOT, someone hitting my car and having to deal with all of that, visits to the vet with our 13 year old fur baby the list goes on. I cried myself to sleep last night and I did wake up feeling better and able to face the world again. 

It seems that we’ve all had a bit of a rough time lately. I always try to let things slide that people say “think of the good  memories” etc and as you said I’m sure i have said the same in the past. We know that they are trying to help and be kind but sometimes I just want to scream at them. 
And the people that say “ you are so strong “ No, I’m not. I might be good at the practical stuff (because I always have been) but emotionally I’m broken. I’m not being strong - I’m just doing what I can to get through the day. 
im so glad we can all help each other on here as we truly are the only ones that get it 

Take care everyone 

I am feeling much better today thank you.

Try not to isolate yourself too much. Even if you don’t talk to anyone else come on here for a natter - there’s usually someone to listen. 
We are all Kindred spirits on this rocky path. I’m not use how it works but if you ever need to chat privately let me know. Evening it’s just about the weather. It’l doesn’t have to be deep - just a connection with someone. 
Take care 

J

Twelve weeks is nothing at all.  If ever you need a chat just come on here. There always someone to listen 

Are you a reader: if you are I can highly recommend Megan Divines book  It’s ok to be not ok  It made sense of so many of my feelings- Kinda made me feel normal

Take care and be kind to yourself.