Just want to scream

It is so, so hard. The last couple of days have been horrendous for me, too. I have either been on the verge of tears or sobbing. I just miss him so much. I know it comes and goes in waves, I want this one to lift. Tomorrow, I am getting out of the house, as I need to try something different. Sending hugs to all. Kate.xxx

InsanityKate, thank you, I read the chats on here but don’t have the energy to respond, I sometimes draft something, then realise I’m not logged on. Even just typing it helps.

It is so shit and cruel, we shouldn’t be in this place but then I remind myself what my baby went through to stay with us for so long, he truly was amazing and I need to find some of that amazingness.

You seem like you are doing amazing and I take strength from that.

Hope you get out the house and have a better day tomorrow.

X 

Indeed, it comes and goes in waves and we all have our trigger points. Even when you know your beloved is going to die, I'm not sure anything prepares you for the reality of the loss that is death. I think a huge part of grief is realising how much our loved ones meant to us and therefore realising how much we have lost, and also questioning what we thought we knew. Yes, getting angry with them for leaving us is a huge part of it, but it's also a realisation of how much they meant to us. I'm coming up to my husband's birthday, the second since he died, and am finding it hard, especially as our daughter has had academic success that he can't share. He was also bipolar which is complicating. But I find I have questions for him that I never realised I'd have when he was alive and I think that this insecurity or questioning of what we took for granted is insidious and unsettling. How can I get him to answer questions that I never had when he was alive, such as, was I a good wife? Why am I questioning it now? And why did you die so quickly I couldn't ask you? Sorry, I'm feeling very fragile.

Wesurvived, please do not apologise for feeling fragile, especially on here. We all get it and it is the only place I feel comfortable expressing how I really feel. You all sharing, really helps.

I am sure you were a good wife but just cannot see that through the fog of grief and loss. Congratulations on your daughters academic success, that alone shows you are doing it and that you are supporting her while you are going through the worst time.

In a bizarre way I feel lucky that we knew they would never cure the cancer as it made us get off the hamster wheel of life, take time to reflect on what we had achieved together and appreciate the small things that we could still enjoy together. I’m so private that I struggle to share identifiable info but really do appreciate all you guys on here who share how tough this is.

Tomorrows another day, let’s just hope it’s a bit better than today. 

X 

I am going to take our border collie to the beach, he loves it there. I have stayed up late, so that I can hopefully sleep. 

I do the same with staying up late in the hope I can sleep….it doesn’t really work for me though, don’t know about you? I don’t sleep, force myself to eat once a day. Cook lovely food for everyone but then just have toast! What is that about?

Our dogs love it on the beach, and it used to be my happy place but I’ve not been but know I should.

Hope you get there and both you and dog have a fab time breathing in the fresh sea air. 

X