Just want to scream

It is so, so hard. The last couple of days have been horrendous for me, too. I have either been on the verge of tears or sobbing. I just miss him so much. I know it comes and goes in waves, I want this one to lift. Tomorrow, I am getting out of the house, as I need to try something different. Sending hugs to all. Kate.xxx

InsanityKate, thank you, I read the chats on here but don’t have the energy to respond, I sometimes draft something, then realise I’m not logged on. Even just typing it helps.

It is so shit and cruel, we shouldn’t be in this place but then I remind myself what my baby went through to stay with us for so long, he truly was amazing and I need to find some of that amazingness.

You seem like you are doing amazing and I take strength from that.

Hope you get out the house and have a better day tomorrow.

X 

Indeed, it comes and goes in waves and we all have our trigger points. Even when you know your beloved is going to die, I'm not sure anything prepares you for the reality of the loss that is death. I think a huge part of grief is realising how much our loved ones meant to us and therefore realising how much we have lost, and also questioning what we thought we knew. Yes, getting angry with them for leaving us is a huge part of it, but it's also a realisation of how much they meant to us. I'm coming up to my husband's birthday, the second since he died, and am finding it hard, especially as our daughter has had academic success that he can't share. He was also bipolar which is complicating. But I find I have questions for him that I never realised I'd have when he was alive and I think that this insecurity or questioning of what we took for granted is insidious and unsettling. How can I get him to answer questions that I never had when he was alive, such as, was I a good wife? Why am I questioning it now? And why did you die so quickly I couldn't ask you? Sorry, I'm feeling very fragile.

Wesurvived, please do not apologise for feeling fragile, especially on here. We all get it and it is the only place I feel comfortable expressing how I really feel. You all sharing, really helps.

I am sure you were a good wife but just cannot see that through the fog of grief and loss. Congratulations on your daughters academic success, that alone shows you are doing it and that you are supporting her while you are going through the worst time.

In a bizarre way I feel lucky that we knew they would never cure the cancer as it made us get off the hamster wheel of life, take time to reflect on what we had achieved together and appreciate the small things that we could still enjoy together. I’m so private that I struggle to share identifiable info but really do appreciate all you guys on here who share how tough this is.

Tomorrows another day, let’s just hope it’s a bit better than today. 

X 

I am going to take our border collie to the beach, he loves it there. I have stayed up late, so that I can hopefully sleep. 

I do the same with staying up late in the hope I can sleep….it doesn’t really work for me though, don’t know about you? I don’t sleep, force myself to eat once a day. Cook lovely food for everyone but then just have toast! What is that about?

Our dogs love it on the beach, and it used to be my happy place but I’ve not been but know I should.

Hope you get there and both you and dog have a fab time breathing in the fresh sea air. 

X

I get this 100%. I thought I was strong and capable, people see me that way even now, but really I'm lost and broken. And so so lonely. It's 10 weeks but it feels an eternity. The hugs have all but stopped, people don't see the truth, or don't want to. This is a huge shock and so difficult to navigate, so many decisions and even small things are daunting. 

I'm sorry I don't have any answers, just to say that this is the one safe place, where people really do understand. I am so thankful for that. We are all just doing whatever we can to survive, even when we don't really know what for. Nothing prepares you for this. 

Yes, the intensity is truly shocking. I felt that the life that we shared together had completely vaporised. So on top of the loss, we have that to deal with that as well. I retreated into myself, and I am now slowly emerging. There is no rush, and I knew no one else could help me. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx                                                                                                                                                               

I stay up late too, something I never used to do, but I hate being alone in bed, especially when its cold! I keep the radio on as I hate the quietness. 

I eat rubbish most of the time, because by the evening Im too exhausted to cook. Myshroom omelette or beans on toast is often as much as I can do. I hate shopping, which is why Tony did it. 

I find I lack resilience. Slightest thing, im off blubbing. Im struggling with my return to work. Like many of you here, i thought I was strong and independent, but it was Tony that enabled me to be, as I hope I did for him. Small tasks feel mountainous. I often if this will ever change.

• I don't cook any more. Today has been nothing but tears but I don't know why. The enormity of this has overtaken me again, that and the terrible lonliness. Haven't spoken to anyone since Sunday. Day by day is suddenly too much, I can only manage hour by hour. How are people meant to do this?