Just want to scream

Oh spirit, I have no idwa, but somehow we do, as you say, hour by hour, day by day. Definitely not talking or seeing anyone make things feel bleaker. I do try to get out on my non working days, but its exhausting and sometimes I cant face it.  Then I dont see anyone for a few days and am stuck at home as I dont drive, and feel lonely again. I havent got a routine yet, i hope work will help with that in time but at the moment its like ploughing through treacle.

No one can prepare us for this. I couldn’t do the dog walk, as I was too tired. I managed chores, and light gardening. I then slept solidly for three hours. 

Hi Wf.

I think and am sure we have all been where you are and in some cases some may still be. This month (January) has recently become are really bad month for me. It was this month 4 years ago that my husband went in to get his operation to have his tumour removed and which was successful but little did we realise that cancer would be back for him 5 months later and eventually take him in June 2023. Things for you just now will still be very raw and it is still quite early days for you in your grieving journey so everything you feel now will be normal. We were together for 40 years and to have someone taken from you after being by your side all that time is really quite a shock to the system so I think I get where you are coming from. Yes all the `man things` that were his department I have to try to navigate doing them without him. I am still very cautious about getting things like repairs done because we would decide on who to go with together for things like that and it is always at the back of my mind that whoever I get may be a `cowboy tradesman` so I tend to go by word of mouth for that any neighbours who have had repairs done I get names and numbers from them. Some things I have managed to do on my own the car for instance I have got it through 3 yearly MOTs with just needing a few minor repairs done i.e. tyres replaced break pads fitted etc but a few other things I have managed to sort without him I just have to now because its just me on my own is the attitude I have had to try and take and just hope he is somewhere watching and approving how things have gone so far. My son is good with electrics  with it being part of his job and I know anything like that he would come over and fix for me and there is a retired plumber who lives across the road from me he helps out us neighbours now and again if we need anything. Financially things have become a bit tight for me but I manage and just have to cut the cloth in certain places this is another thing that doesn't prepare you when you lose a partner a chunk of income goes with them and I lost all his support benefits as well as his state pension. 

The eating thing will come you will manage to eat eventually and what and when you eat will be your choice just as long as you do. My eating has changed a lot I am only cooking (if I do) for myself a lot of the time its ready meals and maybe once a week if funds allow I'll get a take away. Jay (my husband) loved cooking and would cook for an army even though it was only us two. I would get belluses from him if he saw what I eat now he loved his food. So much has happened since he's been gone. I welcomed my 2nd little granddaughter in October last year and my son and daughter in-law celebrate their first wedding anniversary next month on Valentines weekend and it would have been Jay's birthday on the 12th February. Just take your time and take things a day at a time it's all you can do for now and just keep coming here when you need to. My best wishes to you. Take Care. 

Vicky. 

Oh Malengwa, I totally get you. I cuddle up to his blanket in bed but it’s nowhere near as soothing as he was. I feel like he somehow showed me how to live without him after he was diagnosed, but it’s not working! I was 18 when we met and we were together till last year when I was 50. It’s daft stuff I struggle with.  I’ve realised I grew up with him there for me. 

I love cooking and find its passes the time but then I usually cannot face it so give it away if it doesn’t get eaten here. 

The radio is good, I need to get back into listening to music because even if it makes you sad it brings back such happy memories too.

I always thought I was resilient like you and could handle anything thrown at us but like you I’ve now realised it was my hubby who made me strong. I’ve spent most of today crying after telling myself today was going to be a better day.

This has to change, even though we can’t see it now.

X

We are on a very close timeline. My beautiful Valen’s birthday is next month and is also the second he will miss. 
I am definitely finding the seconds harder to cope with than the firsts. 
The reality of him not being here is now really real. 
What I struggle with is that we were only 3 months different in age. When he had his birthday I always joked he was now my sugar daddy for 3 months. 
But next May I will be 2 years older than his ever youthful 56.

What makes it even more difficult is he was born on Valentines Day. 
We always went away the week before his birthday, before the hotel and restaurant price hikes. 
Last year I had a phone call from the hotel he had booked (I hadn’t realised he had done so, I think wishful thinking on his part as even if he had started chemo and it had been successful in getting us to the max 6 months, Feb was the 6 months marker ) asking why we were not there. 
At least that won’t happen this year. Not sure what I will do. That is a decision for the day.