Triggers

I'm getting tired of people thinking I'm ok. I might look ok, but that doesn't mean a thing. All the same platitudes being said over and over. People suggesting things to 'distract' me. People telling me they're coming to visit rather than asking if that's what I want. Telling me it's not good to be on my own. Maybe the only person I want to be with is the one who died. Maybe nobody else is worth my time right now. Maybe I do want to be on my own with my thoughts and memories, and to be able to cry in private. 

We handle bereavement so badly. I think we're a nasty reminder to those still lucky enough to have their other halves. An embarrassment. They just want to jolly us along until they can pretend everything is normal. Only our normal was shot to pieces, and it can never be right again. Every night I look at David's picture and it hits me again, that this is forever. No amount of cheery words or cups of tea can change that. And this is so horrible of me, I know, but I can't help thinking that one day they'll be in this position, and only then will they get it, the way we here are forced to get it. 

Sorry for the rant. Some days are just that bit too much. Love and hugs to all xxx

Having a rant is good. We had a thread called ‘Ranty, rant, rant’, that went on for months. Go for it. The truth is important. I have experienced exactly the same thing. The platitudes, cliches and surface crap.It didn’t mean anything to me, so I decided that I wouldn’t discuss it with them. I have spent a lot of time on my own, and it has been the right choice for me. You can’t outrun the pain, and having a cup of tea and a chat, isn’t going to fix it. As I said to our adult children, *One day they will go through it, and then they will understand”. I stopped people coming over, as I always ended up trying to make them feel better. I knew that if I focused on myself, I had a better chance of surviving. Every day, I have to fight for myself, There has been a gradual improvement over the past 18 months, but I have had to work so bloody hard every day, to stop myself falling into the abyss. Kate.xxx

Thankyou for that Kate. I had begun to think maybe I'm being selfish by not really wanting the 'help' people are offering. I guess I'm entitled to be self centred right now. This is the only time I'm truly honest, not pretending I feel better. It's only been two months, why would I feel better? I need to learn to say 'No thankyou' rather than just Thankyou. xx

You have said exactly how I feel. 
So much of our time spent trying to make everyone else feel better. 
So much time and effort put into pretending we are “ok, thank you. Getting there. Not to bad”. 
So much time white lieing that we are eating ok. Sleeping ok. Getting out. 
Plastering our masks run. Hiding our tears so not to upset people. 
Quietly seething as we listen to the well meant but unwanted platitudes and advice. 
Accepting offers to go out to please the other person. 

It’s bloody exhausting.

It’s been 15 months since my beautiful Valen was traumatically taken from me and I have only just started to say “no, but thank you for asking”.  
I am so tired of trying to be alright when I’m not. 
So just last week I walked into our cafe, stood in front of our 2 very special friends and said “I am not ok. I am badly struggling. I am not asking for specific help. I just want you to know that everything is not alright. I am tired of looking out for other people and not looking after me”, 

And you know what, I immediately relaxed. 
They looked at each other and said to me “We know. We were waiting for you to acknowledge it. Now focus on yourself and if you accept an invite, even to go for a walk, and you say yes, don’t be scared to then say no”,
After that experience I said the same to my  rather and sister and got the same reactions.

That was brave. People keep telling me it's 'early days' and then expecting me to be interested in their stories (which always seem to include references to their very much alive husbands). It hurts being with other couples. It just makes me feel even more alone. I think today is a 'tears and tv' day. I thought I was doing better but I found a notebook full of texts he had copied down from when we were first together and it broke me again. You wonder how people are ever meant to bear this amount of grief. It's good to know you are here, that we are walking in each others' footsteps. Thankyou. xx

It is a freeing experience, and it is the one thing we can control. I get to choose how I spend my time. We have all been through, (or still are) going through a living hell. Everything else has been taken away, and we have had to try and build some sort of life for ourselves. It is an extremely difficult path to walk, but I am still in the game. Kate. Xxx

The other week I did let rip at someone I had already consciously decided to avoid, but as she goes in our cafe it is sometimes hard. I have on occasion not gone in when I’ve seen her there. And one of the girls now messages me to warn me if she is there.

This lady said “I’m so glad you are out enjoying yourself. It’s good to see you have moved on at last and are back to your old self. You must be relieved”. I know this was well meant, if crass. But the way she said it made me so angry. My friend saw how I was reacting and tried to move her away, but not in time.

I won’t repeat what I said. All of you here can pretty much guess what it was. 
It was very sweary! And amounted to - There is no going back to how I was before, when my beautiful Valen was physically by my side. I have cried at least once every day for 15 months. I am physically and mentally exhausted. Now ****off and leave me alone.

I get, truly get, that lots of people are well meaning. Just don’t know what, or how, to say things. Until they walk in our shoes they never will. But in our fragile, brittle states, some things and words are like bullets, triggers, a slap in the face, hurtful.

But I am so lucky that those few, very few, friends and family that have empathy can make me cry with their kindness, little hugs, a heart text, a silent squeeze of the hand. Talking about Valen in ordinary conversation, not forced.  
He is not forgotten ️

I wish I could talk about my Paul more. Most of our friend’s still can’t cope with his death. They literally start crying. It makes life more difficult, as I would like to be able to talk about him more. 

It's strange this week, I've had two yes two phone calls, but why Monday & Tuesday. Friday is my birthday and Sunday is a year. So why not then ? One phone call was crap and left me feeling what is the point. The other one was nice, it was Sue's best friend, and we told a couple of stories about Sue. Which made us both laugh. Yes tears as well.

Take care 

Everything we do is such hard work. I spend a lot of time alone especially evenings and weekends, but I do appreciate being taken out for tea or lunch. Just this morning, i got a message to say ' ive made some soup, would you like some?'. She knows im not really eating properly. Then she just said fancy a coffee? I was working but actually I said yes, and it helps me to see people, i just try to be selective about who. I dont want to spend all the days at home, alone, crying. I did that after Christmas when I was sick with flu. I need people in my life, especially those that are empathetic and dont try to tell me what to do all the time. And dont mind me talking about Tony, good memories and those last few awful days. And dont mind me sobbing!

Ive just returned to work which is an exteaordinary challenge but I hope that work will help me in the future, even though right now its more like ploughing through treacle.

We are safe here, we all get it. Our grief journeys may be different and very individual but we can still read and relate to what others have said or are experiencing. There will be many common experiences, and some that are different, which is all OK. 

Whatever we feel or do is OK.

Hugs to all today xx