Triggers

People can be so very unkind. It was the same for me. In my darker moments, I wanted to ask them if they thought “Death was catching”. We have the loss that we are trying to process, and on top of that we can feel ostracised. It is a very odd feeling, and hurtful. In the end, I decided that I would just mix with people that were supportive. It has taken time, but I have started to build some new friendships. Sending you hugs. Kate. Xxx

My little Border Terrier is `Jack` too Kate. William (my son) and I bought him for Jay for his Christmas 13 years ago this October so he was his dog. We used to have a German Shepherd too call Max and he was mine. When Jay was in hospital I asked if i could take Jack in and they gave permission seeing as Jay was in his last days so he could see him before he passed so I made arrangements to take him in on the weekend he actually passed but he had gone before I got the chance to do it. So I look at Jack as though he is still a little bit of Jay here with me now. He was very lost at the beginning and kept running to the door to look for his `daddy` coming in but think after a while he knew he wasn't coming back. He is my little companion now and my shadow it's true what they say dogs do follow you to the toilet but I would never be without him but I know one day he won't be here and that will break my heart all over again. 

xx

My son I notice never seems to talk about Jay- his dad. When I talk about something we did or he did with his dad he sometimes never seems to want to acknowledge it. He and his dad had their differences at times on certain issues but at the end of the day they were fine. Twenty one years of being season ticket holders going to Ibrox football stadium on Glasgow to see Rangers play says enough and when William was little they always had their `boys day out` to the cinema to see the latest releases Harry Potter etc mum wasn't allowed it was `boys only` but I was fine with that  and gave me some peace and for them some father/son bonding time William is very deep in his thoughts though a bit like me and his auntie (my sister) so sometimes you don't know what he is thinking but I am sure he will be remembering his dad in his own way. I can talk about Jay now and it doesn't feel so raw now this is a way for me just to keep his memory alive to and just keep talking about him. 

xx

Oh Malengwa!

So glad its just not me leaving dishes in the sink for a day or so but I get that. Even after 2 years there are still days I look at this place and say `what's the point`? nobody comes to see you so nobody sees the mess  the clothes hanging over the bed frame, dishes in the sink etc. Some days I know I should clean and tidy but just some days I just can't find the energy to do it even for the simplest of things. When Jay was here I was a stickler for tidiness and had my little routines of what got done on which days now though as I said some days just feel there is no point. Sending hugs.

Vicky x

Trigger tears flowed today. 
One of those “can’t make up my mind what to do days”. I made a short list of things I should do - batteries to recycling, bottles to recycling (not all alcohol ), bit of shopping, bag of stuff to charity shop, hoover, clean etc etc. 

Eventually decided that as it was a nice day I’d walk into town and look for a book. Trying to get back into reading, I was an avid reader before. Just can’t concentrate enough on fiction so looking for a biography.
Stopped off in the charity shop and whilst looking at their books UB40’s Can’t Help Falling in Love came on their radio. 
And oh boy, did those tears flow!

UB40 was the first gig we went to together. 
When they did that song, my beautiful Valen turned to me and sang that song to me, word perfect, looking into my eyes. 
That was the first time he said I love you.

I’m with you there Vicky. 
Each room had its cleaning day, only 6 rooms in our bungalow so the 7th day was the garden.

Now, I either go crazy woman manic cleaning and do the whole place in 1 day. 
Or I look around and shrug my shoulders and say “Sorry Buba, I can’t be arsed. What’s the damn point. Who cares, I don’t”

Oh mrs VT what a lovely memory. Tony didnt reallly bother much with music so i dont have those kind of memories and that makes me sad sometimes. 

I find myself saying " cant be arsed" quite a lot. I did make a stew yesterday by chucking some veg in the slow cooker. Thats probably the first home coked meal ive actually made that isnt an omelette.x

Today, was difficult. I took some books to St Barnabas, as I am starting to repurpose my darling Paul’s study. It will be our room, with memories of travel and special times together. It will take time, as everything I sort through brings back flashbacks, and I can’t rush it. It was the first time I had been back to the hospice for over a year, it felt surreal, and I went straight to the memory of us sitting there having a coffee and chatting, in the early days of his diagnosis. I think I am in some sort of time loop. Hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

My sentiments exactly Mrs VT. Just can't be arsed!

Great those slow cookers aren't they Malengwa. Just like the microwave just stick the food in turn it on and forget it. I actually got the Gousto meals delivered last week the box for 1 person obviously and they were actually quite good. You need to cook them though but it didn't take long to make them and I surprised myself that they were quite edible so something else to think about for future eating