Lost my wife.

Hello Artie 61, welcome to the group we all hope never to be part of.

Im sorry to read about your lovely wife, and so recent for you. My husband died in October also from sarcoma,  although a different one, they are so rare. He also had surgery, was very ill afterwards but they thought they got it all, only to find a couple of months later that it had spread and was spreading very quickly.

I have also on several occasions gone to bed not caring if I wake up. I sm scared by the future without him. Im 61, its not old.

We absolutely all get it here, we dont judge and we support each other. We can say how we are feeling. 

You will be so busy with the funeral if there is one, and mountains of paperwork. I found I could only tackle one thing each day as some were so hard, I was sobbing down the phone a fair bit. 

Check out bereavement support payment, as long as your wife paid NI at some point, you should be eligible.

Chat here any time

Hello Artie,

Welcome to the forum and so sorry you find yourself here as its not really a place most of us want to be but here we are. I lost my husband in June 2023 so I am a good bit further on that you. I can relate to mostly everything you have written. I at one time didn't want to be here either but my husband Jay bless him was the one who made me see sense even in his final days. Like you say just the thought of carrying on without him for years to come just seemed impossible at the time. They still do, but just not as much as they did at the beginning. In the two and a half years he has been gone I have been able to do a lot of thinking and there are people here I still need to be here for moreso my older sister who has learning difficulties. She lives independently but needs me for a lot things like paying bills for her etc anything in authority she just can't deal with. She also went through a diagnosis of bowel cancer the same as my husband but hers was caught very early and surgery got rid of it and she is making good progress in her recovery. I also have a son and daughter in law who live not far from me and I have two little granddaughters who keep me going too. Jay just passed 7 months before his 70th birthday.  His cancer became terminal and with 4 bouts of sepsis added to that it just more or less finished him off he took everything they could throw at him to get it a 2nd time (it came back in May 2022  5 months after his operation) until he could take no more and until the surgeons/specialists had exhausted all avenues they could go down.  It was heartbreaking to see what he had become from what he was at the end. He was a big strapping bear of a man virtually reduced to nothing. Just keep coming here when you feel you need to. We all get it and there will be someone who can relate to what you are feeling going through and who you can relate with yourself. Just take things a day at a time for now it's all you can do. Best Wishes to you. 

Vicky 

Hello Artie 61. I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I was in the same position as you 9 months ago. My wonderful husband of 30 years had tonsil cancer. He had 6 weeks of radiotherapy and 5 weeks of chemo once a week. His treatment finished on good Friday last year. We couldn't believe he got through such a harsh treatment and were looking forward to his recovery. It was not to be. He collapsed and died in front of me on Easter Monday, something I will never come to terms with and I relive every day. A post mortem revealed he had a DVT in his leg that travelled to his heart. It was quick for him but it left me and our family so devastated. Anyway thats my story. The only thing I can say is take one day at a time. Some day's I can barely get out of bed other days I watch TV until the small hours. Does it get easier I'm not sure but you do learn to live with it. I don't cry every day now, but when I do my god the flood gates open and I can't stop. Take care of yourself. 

Big hugs 

Sue

Hi Artie

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here where none of us want to be but I and the others totally get it.

You will still be in shock.  It's so soon.  I understand its hard with a small family.  I only have my brother sister in law and neice and nephew now that my husband has gone and they live 200 miles away.

I've been feeling so terrified to be alone so I've been staying with them for past weeks since my husband died at the end of November.   Nick's family are many but they've basically disowned me, not spoken since the funeral.   They didn't even come to the funeral directors with me.

But it's not quantity it's quality that matters.  Make sure you catch up with your mum and sister regularly even if its just to say you only managed one thing today - for me I still struggle to get out of bed but it's one thing.

And as a very lovely friend told me take half an hour at a time.  Its enough, any more is just overwhelming. Maybe later an hour will be ok but I'm still not there.  Everyone is different. 

Keep in touch.. lots of hugs

Hello Artie 61

you and your wife went through so much, as have many of us here, with bravery.
We expected that after the surgeries and treatments that our other halves endured, that at the very least the universe would have the decency to give us all many, many more years together.

My story in brief. My beautiful Valen had surgery for neck and node cancer in Nov 24. 
After enduring radiotherapy with great resilience he had horrific side effects where his skin literally fell off his face and neck. 
He got through that and he was given the all clear in April 25. He was having lymph drainage clearance treatments due to the amount taken from his neck. After 3 months we and the nurse noticed a new lump in his neck. 
August we were given the unbelievable news that it was back with a vengeance, in the other side of his neck, spine and liver and was spreading rapidly. And that with chemo he would have 3 to 6 months. 
After an incredibly stressful 4 week battle to get a start date for chemo + trial drugs we got a date of Sept 26th. 
As it was away from home we stayed in a really nice hotel the night before. Just before we left the oncologist phoned to say that the latest scan showed it was in his brain stem. My gentle man sat in the bed and wept. The only time he had cried in this whole saga. 
Treatment was due to start at 9.30. At 4.30 he said he couldn’t breath. After trying the usual massage and inhaler he gasped ambulance. I had just got through when he had a massive embolism and within seconds he had gone. 
I am haunted daily by the look of mixed confusion and pleading in his eyes as he looked at me. And that his last word was ambulance.  
I have cried every day, sometimes several times a day, for 14 months.
I am grateful daily that he knew I was with him, calmly getting him help, loving him.

Not so brief huh?. 
As others have said, you just take things minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day and suddenly it’s week by week. Sometimes you step back to day by day or hour by hour. 
Sometimes you will manically do paperwork or cleaning, sometimes you only get out of bed to go to the loo. 
Things you easily managed to do before suddenly become almost insurmountable. Things you never knew how to do before you find you can. 
You must do things at your pace, not anyone else’s, as we are all so very different in so very a similar position. 

I have found this forum a lifeline to come on and rant, rave, cry, share, get advice and laugh. So please don’t hesitate to talk to us. We are a friendly bunch really x

Thank you all for taking the time to read about my experience. I don't think anyone can really know how you feel if they haven't gone through this themselves. The sense of despair and hopelessness is profound. It's only ten days so I don't expect to feel any different, if ever, anytime soon. My love, thoughts and sympathy go out to you all.

Artie61,

Please try and look after yourself,  on this crap path. Like you say its very early for you. Try to eat, try to sleep and drink plenty of liquid if you are crying a lot, because you will be dehydrated.  I know these can sound hard believe me we all know, but you have to try. I lived off crisps and crumpets for a while. Just take it easy and do what is right for you. This is your journey, don’t be bullied into how you should feel or grieve. 

Take care. 

Hi,

I was very sorry to read your post, but I wanted to reply. I lost my own wife two years and three months ago (you can read my profile for more on that.) Like you, we were both in our 60s, and should have had much more time together.

It is an utterly shit position to be in - we have all been robbed. I don't have any solutions to offer, but all I know is that we have a responsibility - and a duty of love - to carry on as best we can. But it is very, very difficult.

None of us want to be in this group - but you are among friends here. We all get it - and we can all help each other.

I send you my love and best wishes.