Triggers

A lovely poem, and so very true. We are the only ones who truly understand the pain. Sending hugs on another Friday night without him. Kate. Xxx

So well put in verse, Ghostlovescore. Everything seems to be a trigger at the moment. The slightest thing, not even the big things. Yesterday it was not being able to lift the recycling box of glass and having to ask my neighbour. 

This morning it was just facing the washing up which I havent done for 3 days.

The pain is endless, yet I smile and say Im fine to most people. Only those who know see the pain etched on my face and know Im not fine. 

I have just got back from taking our border collie, Jack for a run. I went to Henfield Common where both used to go regularly. As I was doing a circuit, the tears just started falling. We bought Jack as a puppy, and he has been with us for eight years. I said to Jack, “Daddy is with us.” He started whimpering, as he misses his Daddy, too. I know I am being soppy, but Jack was a joy that we both shared. I am having a fortifying glass of wine to cheer myself up. Kate. Xxx

Its not soppy at all. Its part of who you were together, and still are, even though hes not physically there. 

Kate you are not being soppy.  Your being human.

On Thursday I had to go to the Doctors, nothing to worry about just a m.o.t. They wanted some blood no problem, never been bothered by it. Just as she was about to start, all I could see was Sue sat there, and them taking Sue's blood for testing. I could not help it tears started. 

Take care

Polly our black lab misses her daddy dreadfully. She is also eight, and gave us such joy. I wish we could explain to them, she spends hours gazing out of the window just waiting. She licks my face when I'm crying. She's sad, I know. Sundays are the worst, flashbacks of those last hours and minutes. Nobody understands, only those of us who are living this hell. 

I have just taken Jack shopping. He loves looking out of the back window, to keep an eye on things. He is very protective of us at home, he is a true friend and gives me a lot of comfort. Kate. Xxx

Everything reminds me. Everywhere I walk I've walked with him, every room in the house, every tv programme or ad has some reminder or other. I look where he used to sit and the emptiness hurts so much. It's only been 8 weeks. I want to talk about him, I want to keep him in the present, but nobody mentions his name any more. They look awkward and embarrassed when I do. They talk about themselves, they don't see how much I want to talk about him. They don't see what's in front of them because they don't want to, they don't want to be reminded that this thing may happen to them one day. I feel so alone, in every way. They all move on and I just want to stay in a world where he's still with me. 

I am so so sorry that people aren’t talking about your beloved husband. 
I know when I asked someone why they don’t talk about, or shy away from me talking about, my beautiful Valen, they said first and foremost they didn’t want to upset me, they didn’t know if I wanted to talk about him and lastly, that they get choked up when they do. 
I replied that I get terribly upset when people don’t talk about him, yes I do want to. And that in a perverse way I’m glad they get choked up as it shows how much they care about him and times that feeling by infinity to get even a tiny bit close to where I am. 
They now bring him into our conversations where appropriate.

My 90 year old mum barely talks about him, but she found his passing before her very hard. She became depressed and angry that she is still here, at the end of her life, and he isn’t with all our plans. She lets me talk about him, but doesn’t really join in. 
Toxic brother just thinks that if I start doing Park Runs I will “get better”. Insert very rude word here!

But I am, and always have been, incredibly lucky that my lovely brother and his wife and our cafe friends have always talked about him, joked about him being the tech expert and now we only have Google? Raise a glass to him. Have raised money for the charities he held close and the Air Ambulance who care out to him. When the girls open the cafe they say “morning Valen” to his picture they have up. Last year we had a little birthday party - he had been planning it and asked that I go ahead with it if he didn’t make it, which he didn’t by quite a way. 
So he is kept very much in their hearts which is incredibly comforting to me. 
As I say, I know I am very lucky.

So talk to us about him. What made you both laugh, where did you go on holiday, how did he make you feel. And the shit stuff. 

15 months of going on our Sunday walk. The first couple of months I cried every Sunday en route. That lessened till I can do our walk without tears. 
But today, as I (I just typed we) walked over the train crossing I saw a train waiting up the line. I heard, clear as anything, my beautiful Valen saying “mind the chuffer” and that was it for 10 minutes. 
But it’s not the first time there has been a train waiting. Just today it was a trigger.